Qing's Daily Sports Rant

Masters 2nd Round, Frozen Four, Yankees-Sox, and a Sports Survey

2008-04-11T23:46:00.003-04:00

Yeah, so I just want to point out...Tiger is 7 strokes back after 2 rounds at Augusta. So much for the Grand Slam. Sure, there's a chance he could come back but I don't know, it looks like picking the field wasn't such a bad idea.

Yes, it is possible for a Yankee to be UNDERRATED. Chien-Ming Wang is an elite starting pitcher.

Other than that, not much to report except the Yankees dominating the Red Sox tonight: Chien-Ming Wang is looking like one of the best pitchers in the league, 2-hitting the Red Sox tonight. This guy is really something special. He plays for the Yankees, and still somehow he's underrated after back to back 19 win seasons. I hate the Yankees, but I'm a huge fan of Chien-Ming, and he looks like he's on his way to another remarkable season.

Meanwhile, this is bizarre...some construction worker apparently buried a Sox jersey in the visiting clubhouse of the new Yankee Stadium in an effort to jinx the Yankee franchise (he was obviously a Sox fan). Memo to the Steinbrenner family: DO BACKGROUND CHECKS!!!

What a game in the Frozen Four last night. Yes, we're actually talkin' hockey here. It was a thriller between Notre Dame and Michigan, and somehow Notre Dame was able to win in OT 5-4. We're talking about a 4-seed, a team that barely made it in to the NCAA tournament, beating the #1 team in the country. Unbelievable. Michigan goaltender Billy Sauer who's been dominant all year folded early in the game and was taken out after they were down 3-0. Incredibly, they rallied to tie it at 4 but fell apart in OT, as the Irish go on to face Boston College in the final. What did I learn? Hockey can be entertaining, though hard to follow as it's very fast paced. But last night's game was INTENSE, and that's another reason why I think I'll start following hockey next year.

Unfortunately that's all I got for today. It's late, I'm tired, and I don't feel like writing any more. Have a good weekend, everyone.

-Carson
4/11/08

Cubs-Pirates marathon game, Bill Self, and Dolphins

2008-04-10T21:13:00.004-04:00

Yesterday's Cubs-Pirates game was yet another mindfuck. Remember, this is coming off a 12-inning affair in which they blew a 7-0 lead, going on to win 10-8 over Pittsburgh. That's nothing compared to the sequence of events that can only be described as one of the wildest Cubs-Bucs affairs in recent memory. Ryan Dempster had a 1-hitter through 7. No shitting, it's RYAN DEMPSTER!!!! That son of a bich has had a revival of sorts since rejoining the rotation. But I'm not sold yet...I wouldn't be surprised if he gave 6 runs in his 2nd inning during his next start. And then Kerry Wood blew his first save in the 9th, squandering a 2-1 lead by surrendering a homer to Jason Bay. Uh-oh. Heading into extras against the pathetic Pirates AGAIN. Oh and by the way...9,000 people were at the game. By the end of the 15 inning marathon, there were only a few hundred people left in the seats. How funky is that??? I hear there was a Penguins playoff hockey game at "The Igloo" though. I suppose that explains everything. But back to the game.

The goddamn Pirate Parrot almost cost the Cubs the game...

Aramis Ramirez hit a 2-run homer in the top of the 14th. Ballgame. Or is it? Adam LaRoche, mired in a 0-25 slump, steps up to the plate against Kevin Hart in the bottom of the 14th. And then something truly bizarre happened. The Pirate Parrot, Pittsburgh's ubiquitous and beloved mascot, started gyrating his belly behind home plate, clearly distracting Kevin Hart as he surrendered a game tying 2 run jack to LaRoche. Dude. You've gotta be kidding me. Has a mascot ever had such an impact in a game before? Hmm. I don't know, there's a fine line that mascots must tread. When has a mascot ever crossed it? Well, how about the Mariner Moose's hit-and-run on Coco Crisp at Safeco Field last year. But this...I really don't know what to make of this. I suppose it's another element of "home field advantage," which I'm sure many other teams will copy for further notice. Cubs go to Philly tomorrow. Watch out for the Phanatic, Jason Marquis. He's got quite a belly to gyrate as well.

Still, I have to admit, even as a Cub fan, this shit is gold!

Bill Self isn't an idiot. He finally came to his senses and agreed to stay in Kansas. Dude, this was a no-brainer. You're in a situation in which you have one of the best programs in the nation. Why the hell would you even consider passing that up to go to...OKLAHOMA STATE??? That would've been a colossal mistake.

Looks like it's down to Jake Long and Vernon Gholston for the #1 pick in the draft later this month.

Finally...Dolphins begin contract negotiations with Vernon Gholston and Jake Long. Well, judging by team needs, the Dolphins need an offensive lineman. Badly. Their offense was pathetic last year and they need someone to help anchor that attack. Jake Long is an absolute beast and helps them more than Gholston. So that means the Rams should wind up with either Chris Long or Gholston. I've seen Gholston play and his pass rush is downright ridonkulus. But there are some issues with Gholston's ability to stuff the run, so Chris Long may be the safer pick at #2.

NBA Season in Review and The Masters

2008-04-09T16:55:00.004-04:00

NBA regular season is coming to a close, and I suppose this would be a good time to look back on what was actually a pretty lackluster season.

END OF SEASON AWARDS
MVP: Chris Paul, Hornets
ROOKIE: Luis Scola, Rockets
COACH: Doc Rivers, Celtics
IMPROVED: Jose Calderon, Raptors
DEFENSIVE: Marcus Camby, Nuggets
6TH MAN: Manu Ginobili, Spurs

BEST MOMENT: Dwight Howard at the slam dunk contest.

BEST STORYLINE: Houston Rockets, 22 straight wins

BEST GAME: Can't think of any great ones in particular. I guess I'll go with the Nuggets dropping 160+ points on Seattle.

BEST TRADE: Lakers getting Pau Gasol

SURPRISE TEAM: New Orleans Hornets. I knew they were going to be good this year. Just not this good.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: Chicago Bulls. The sexy pick to win the East flopped. Big time.

TOTAL DISASTER: Miami Heat. Who knew that it could've gone this badly, this quickly??? At least they've got the most ping-pong balls in the lottery, giving them the best chance to land Michael Beasley. The Knicks are close behind in this one.

SLEEPER TEAMS IN THE PLAYOFFS: Magic in the East, Suns in the West. Phoenix is finally starting to develop at least some semblance of chemistry under Shaq. They've been a little more consistent lately so maybe we could see a little run in the postseason. Don't forget, they still have a solid core of players with playoff experience.

Only a few more weeks until the NBA Playoffs, which run for almost a quarter of the actual duration of the regular season. I'll unveil my playoff predictions once the teams are finally determined.

First round of the Masters is tomorrow, and Tiger Woods makes his run for the Grand Slam this year. I don't watch majors except in the final round, back 9. Yes, I know, there's plenty of sports fans out there who say that golf is boring. They're right...except when it's the back 9 of a major tournament, which can provide some high drama. And usually that high drama works best when you have a huge meltdown, a la Jean Van De Velde in the British Open, Retief Goosen's 3 putt on 18 at Southern Hills, Greg Norman hitting one into the drink, Colin Montgomerie's many major meltdowns, Sergio Garcia's failure in the clutch, and Phil Mickelson's US Open debacle, aka "I am such an idiot." Golf definitely works best when all hell breaks loose after some guy does something inexplicably stupid. That's why I watch the final 9 holes of each major, to see who's gonna fuck it up at the end.

Tiger who? Stewart Cink will win the Masters. You heard it here first on the Sports Rant.

Everyone thinks Tiger will win this week. Would I be stupid enough to take the field? HELL YES. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Tiger will NOT finish first this week. Instead, I'll make a bold prediction: Stewart Cink will win the 2008 Masters. BOOK IT.

-Carson
4/9/08

KANSAS'S CAPTIVATING COMEBACK, MEMPHIS'S CATACLYSMIC COLLAPSE, NCAA Tourney Recap, and Boston sports

2008-04-08T16:18:00.003-04:00

They were boogeying down to Elvis in Beale Street. Before Mario Chalmers shut them up for good. It was an NCAA final for the ages. Certainly the best I've seen since I started watching March Madness. Memphis had this game, before an unthinkable meltdown in regulation and in overtime cost them the game. They were up 60-51 with 2 minutes left. And then all hell broke loose.

Kansas started fouling Memphis right away, and suddenly Memphis forgot how to shoot free throws. The team that had an Indianapolis Colts run defense-esque revival at the free throw line during the tournament choked when it was all on the line, allowing Kansas to come back in the game, setting up a wild sequence of events that led to Mario Chalmers nailing a 3 to tie it up at 63 with 2 seconds left. Kansas was down by 3. That's THREE. What do you do there, Memphis? You FOUL! It ain't rocket science! Dude. You gotta foul in that situation. But suddenly Memphis found themselves in some kind of mindfuck and Derrick Rose just let Kansas dribble the ball up the court and set up Chalmers for the game tying 3.

Mario Chalmers and Kansas pulled off a MIRACULOUS comeback last night.

And then more funky shit went down with 2 seconds left, as Memphis for some reason decided to inbound the ball without calling a timeout to draw up a play. Was John Calipari CATATONIC?!!!!!! Dumbasses. So Joey Dorsey hurls up a halfcourt shot that didn't even come close and we're going to OT, where Memphis never stood a chance as momentum had already abandoned their side. Derrick Rose fell ice cold and Kansas pulled off an unbelievable comeback.

It's official. Hey Memphis. Kansas drinks your Jack Daniels. They drink it up. Big time. How about that, two major championship games, two thrillers. First Super Bowl XLI, and now the NCAA Title Game. This is turning out to be one hell of a sports year.

This year's tournament was one of the best in recent memory. Let's relive the good, bad, and ugly.

BEST PLAYER: Stephen Curry, Davidson. Yes, he lost in the Elite 8 but he put up a show like no one else this year. Gotta give it to this guy.

BEST GAME: Kansas vs. Memphis. National Title. Hands down.

BIGGEST UPSET: Davidson over Georgetown. I believe I got that one!

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: Duke. Almost lost to Belmont, then got their asses handed to them by West Virginia.

BEST PLAY: Mario Chalmers. For three!

BEST PERFORMANCE: Stephen Curry 40 points vs. Gonzaga

And congratulations to the Kansas Jayhawks, who have finally overcome the choker label. About damn time, fellas!

Red Sox had their home opener today against the Tigers, after a bizarre international road trip that included stops in Tokyo, Japan, Los Angeles, Oakland, and Toronto, Canada before finally arriving at Fenway. In a nice gesture, they invited Bill Buckner to throw out the first pitch. Buckner admitted that he was tearing up during the ceremony. Classy move. If and when the Cubs finally break through, it might be a good idea to invite Leon Durham, Steve Bartman, or Alex Gonzalez to throw out the first pitch to apologize for their respective banishment into baseball ignominy.

Anyway, the success of Boston sports teams recently has the rest of America wondering: have Boston sports fans been so spoiled lately that they've turned into the denizens of another sports-addicted and arrogant city in the Northeast--New York? I would argue yes, and then some. The Patriots are the new Yankees. The team that everybody hates. Except they're less classy and cheat, both biologically (Rodney Harrison taking HGH) and physically (SpyGate). And with a few titles brought to Fenway and the Celtics' sudden renaissance with the Boston Three Party, Boston fans are relishing in their teams' success a little too much. Success has made Boston into the new New York, in a sports context. They've become the very thing that they've loathed. Ironic? Hell yeah. Do I still root for the Sox when they play the Yanks? Sure. But in other situations, I would love to see Boston teams fail, just to see these arrogant Boston fans writh in agony like they did after Super Bowl XLI. The world is being turned upside down: Boston is becoming the new New York, and New York is becoming the new Boston. Super Bowl XLI helped solidify this trend.

Remember these days? Well...unfortunately after a 2nd World Series and the success of other Boston sports teams in recent years, Average Joe Sawx Fan may be turning into Average Joseph Yankee Fan...

So let's hope the Boston Celtics have a Dallas Maverickian collapse in the playoffs this year so these nutty Boston fans can come back down to earth. On the other side of spectrum...Miami sports fans must be in substantial agony right now. Ugh. It ain't pretty. Dolphins = worst in the NFL. Heat = worst in the NBA. Marlins = bad, but nobody cares. Panthers = who knows and who cares. Miami Hurricanes football = BAD. Ouch. You gotta feel bad for those crazy, tanned kooks down in SoFlo right now.

0-6 Tigers, White Sox, Pirates-Cubs, Torch Protests, and Big Papi Commercial

2008-04-07T19:18:00.004-04:00

Well, I just finished watching a 5-hour mindfuck of a baseball game between the Pirates and the Cubs. It was as weird as you could get. Cubs took an early 7-0 lead in the 3rd. Which I missed because WGN had technical difficulties for about a 30 minute stretch early on in the game. That felt like ages ago. And then inexplicably, the Cubs' 7-0 lead crumbled as Ted Lilly had a Marquisian outing, and Carmen Pignatiello can't throw strikes. PLEASE, send "Piggy" back down to Iowa and call up Marshall. And thanks to a costly error by DeRosa, Pirates tie it up at 8 in the 8th. After several close calls on both sides, the Cubs finally broke through in the 12th to win it 10-8. Man, how lucky are we? Some nice hustle by Theriot and solid long relief from Lieber saved our asses. Blowing a 7-0 lead would have been a classic Cub loss. But somehow we got it done, and that makes me wonder if this year will be different from all the others. Yes, it's the Pirates. I know. But it was refreshing to see that this team didn't crumble after giving up the big lead this time.

Ozzie "El Loco" Guillen has the White Sox on a 5-game winning streak.

The Tigers are 0-6. Swept by the Royals and White Sox in CoMerica, and now going to play Boston at Fenway. Oh, my. What a disaster. When was the last time Justin Verlander gave up NINE!!!! runs in a game? NEVER. Their pitching staff is PATHETIC. Their hitting...PATHETIC. This team looks awful right now. Yes, it's the first week of the season, it may be premature. But the Indians look better right now. Even the WHITE SOX look better. Yes, this was unexpected, but the White Sox could actually be a good team this year. They've got an ok team this year. Nick Swisher is just a perfect fit for that team, personality-wise. The White Sox are easily the most eccentric team in the league right now. But we may see a resurgence in '08. Last year was a shocking collapse, but I think the White Sox will turn it around this year. And that young outfielder they have...Carlos Quentin...he's looking pretty decent too. And wait until they call Josh Fields up from AAA, who quietly hit 23 HRs in limited playing time as a rookie last year.

BEIJING OLYMPICS UPDATE

Yeah...not so good. I hate seeing this happen with protesters completely shutting down the torch relay, but what can you do. They have their right to demonstrate. Might as well call off the entire goddamn relay because you're going to get this everywhere. Wow, people REALLY HATE China. I never actually realized this until now. You think the US is universally hated? Give me a break. People everywhere DESPISE the Chinese because of the entire Tibet issue. And now Hillary Clinton is urging President Bush to boycott the Olympic opening ceremony. Now, with all this pressure mounting, I'm not sure I'd be surprised if he did. This is quickly turning into the most controversial Olympic games of our era, not something that I as a native Beijinger am too proud of. Or maybe I just need to escape into oblivion: I leave for China next month, and I'll be able to spend the summer watching good ol' CCTV and their mundane programming and hilarious sports play-by-play.

Finally, this is some pretty funny shit. Saw this during the Tigers game last night: a commercial for New Era baseball caps. Guy walks into Tokyo airport with a Sox hat and comedy ensues as everyone thinks he's "Big Papi." HAHA. I'm going to Tokyo Airport on a transfer flight over the summer. Wonder if I wear my Cubs hat, reporters are going to swarm me as well thinking that I'm Kos-K...

-Carson
4/7/08

FINAL FOUR REACTION, Blue Jays, Mariners-Orioles, Cardinals, and Chris Paul

2008-04-06T16:35:00.006-04:00

Sorry for the late post. There were some issues with the internet connection in my dorm last night.

With the Final Four: Well...maybe I was a little bit off. I got both Final Four picks DEAD WRONG. In the first game, Memphis routed UCLA. I missed most of this game, but it really wasn't anything special compared to the thrilling 2nd act: KU vs. UNC. For once, "Rock Chalk Jayhawk" wasn't "Rock Choke Jayhawk" come March Madness time. Figures. Out of all the years that I didn't pick Kansas to win the National Championship, this year, they have a legitimate chance to do it!!!!! Unreal.

Rock Choke Jayhawk? Not this year.

But briefly, it appeared that Kansas was already to blow it again. After staking out an early 40-12 lead in the 1st half, everybody pronounced the game dead. EXCEPT ME. I made a bold prediction and said that UNC was gonna come from behind and win this game. Stupid? Sure. But guess what. It almost happened. UNC made an incredible surge and thanks to some sloppy Jayhawk basketball, UNC pulled within 4 in the second, 54-50. But KU wasn't gonna blow it this time. They made a statement, and finished strong, eventually blowing the Tar Heels out and advancing to the National Title game on Monday. A great effort by Kansas. They wouldn't be denied this year, and their play in the final 10 minutes confirmed it. It should be an entertaining matchup tomorrow between two high flying, fast paced offenses. Who am I picking? I still have to go to with Memphis. They've been surprisingly solid from the free throw line in their last few games, and you can't deny a team with as much talent as the Tigers. Derrick Rose, Joey Dorsey, and Chris Douglas-Roberts will be too much for Kansas to handle. Kansas won't go down without a fight, but I have Memphis winning this, for what it's worth. PREDICTION: TIGERS 85, JAYHAWKS 80

In baseball today...the Toronto Blue Jays pulled off a clean sweep of the defending champion Red Sox. Hey, look out for the Jays this year. And how the Big Hurt Frank Thomas, still going strong, hitting a grand slam today in a 7-4 Blue Jay win. Frank Thomas is definitely one of the most underrated players of our era. He had a huge career with the White Sox and kept on ticking with the A's and Blue Jays in recent years. Hall of Famer for sure. And clearly one of the clean players in an era filled with 'roid users. Gotta have a lot of respect for the Big Hurt.

Frank Thomas is STILL a beast.

And the Blue Jays are another competitive team in the AL East. Suddenly the Red Sox and Yankees are no longer the elite: this division has all of a sudden caught up to them. Toronto has a deep pitching staff: Halladay and Burnett are solid as always but this Dustin McGowan kid is showing some promise too. Blue Jays clearly have the better rotation when compared to the Yankees, or the Rays, and perhaps even the Sox. So watch out for Toronto this year. And who needs BJ Ryan when this Jeremy Accardo guy is shutting people down in the 9th?!!!!

Game of the day in baseball: Mariners-Orioles. In Baltimore...Seattle squandered a brilliant performance by Felix Hernandez: 8 shutout innings. Then their bullpen by committee imploded. Yeah, JJ Putz is really missed right now when have some Irish dude named O'Flaherty closing it out. Orioles score 3 in the 9th and...surprise, surprise...the Orioles are 4-1! As for the Mariners...I think people might be overrating them right now. Their offense is punchless except for Ichiro. I mean, come on. Richie Sexson as your cleanup hitter, come on now. A .210 hitter going 4th in the order, that just ain't gonna cut it. They need a big bat in the middle of that order.

Speaking of surprises. What the hell is going on in St. Louis??? The Cardinals pitching staff...holy shit! They're actually getting it done! Wait a minute. I thought the Cards' rotation was a major clusterfuck after Adam Wainwright. At least that's what it looked like on paper. But maybe we misunderestimated the power of Kyle Lohse, Todd Wellemeyer (SERIOUSLY?!!! TODD WELLEMEYER), and Braden Looper. But they're 5-1 right now in a tie for first with the Brewers, believe it or not, thanks to their ragtag group of starters and Rick Ankiel (he's baaaack). Maybe the Cards weren't as bad as we thought.

After yesterday's performance...seriously now how could you NOT give Chris Paul the MVP award?

Chris Paul for MVP. Period. He goes for a triple-double today in the Hornets' win over the Warriors. They have the best record in the West. Seriously, man. This guy deserves it. He's had a breakout year, and has emerged as the BEST point guard in the league. Yeah, better than Steve Nash, you better believe it.

Rays, Alfonso Soriano, Patrick Ewing Jr., and Scary NASCAR Wreck

2008-04-05T15:56:00.005-04:00

Full slate of baseball pie this weekend. The Tampa Bay Rays...remember them? Remember that I said on this very blog that they could shock the world this year? Well, guess what. They are giving the Yankees a beat down in the Bronx so far. After walloping them 13-4 in Game 1, they're up 6-3 in the 9th right now in Game 2. Here they come. And all this without their ace, Scott Kazmir. This team's offense is pretty strong, I mean look, you have a 5-tool stud in BJ Upton, a power force in Carlos Pena, a 50+ stolen base guy in Crawford, and a Japanese important in Akinori Iwamura...and wait until they bring up that kid Longoria. Rays will be competitive this year. BOOK IT.

CUBS RANT

The Cubby angst hasn't really subsided at Wrigleyville. This team has still looked very sloppy and lethargic this opening week, especially one player in particular: ALFONSO SORIANO. 1-23 to start the season??? Dude. That is PATHETIC. What the hell is wrong with this guy. So we've got a .040 hitter leading off. Great. That is just great! How do we expect to score runs, dammit???

Our leadoff hitter is batting .040. GREAT. THAT'S FUCKING BRILLIANT STRATEGERY!!!

So Lou Piniella has changed his lineup around 3 times in as many days. HAHAHAHAHA. But if Soriano will continue to blow chunks like this, I would mind seeing Reed Johnson leading off, especially against lefties. Move Soriano DOWN in the order. Please. Johnson-Fuku-DLee-Aramis-Soriano-DeRo-Soto-Theriot sounds good to me.

Oh, by the way. Felix Pie is the next Corey Patterson. BOOK IT. He sucks. Maybe he reaggravated that testicle injury.

Yeah. This team has issues, despite their nice come from behind win today. Why is Marquis in the rotation??? WHY?!!!! THIS GUY IS FUCKING HORRIBLE!!!!!! Hendry is a complete oaf for bringing this guy in here for a fat contract, a year after he had the worst ERA in baseball. I just can't take it anymore! Open Mouth. Insert Wendy's Baconator Casserole. Vomit. Lou, please, get this guy out of the rotation and replace him with Lieber.

Finally...Lou, WHY, OH WHY did you put Bob Howry in there in the 8th??? That decision almost cost the Cubs the game. Marmol obviously would've been the better choice! Come on. Howry has been terrible in his first 2 outings and normally struggles in the first few months of the season. Marmol on the other hand is a safer choice. Get it together, Lou. Howry isn't a reliable late inning guy anymore, at least not until the second half when he remembers how to get people out again. Howry should be relegated to middle relief right now. Put Wuertz in as the 7th inning guy, Marmol in the 8th, Kerry in the 9th. IT AIN'T ROCKET SCIENCE.

But today's game was nice despite some typical "Cubby occurrences." D-Lee had a monster game, going 4-4, HR, 3 RBIs, 2 runs. And Kosuke Fukudome came through again in the clutch, as always. Fukudome Frenzy Forever!!!!!!

Enough baseball. It's Final Four Weekend, and oddly no one cared about the skills competition that preceded it. Me neither. But that's where YouTube comes in. Patrick Ewing Jr. RIDONKULUSNESS. Man! What a dunk. Yes, NCAA hoops has a slam dunk contest. Yes, no one watches it. But wow, that was impressive.

Finally...scary stuff here. Michael McDowell, a rookie NASCAR driver (YES, WE'RE TALKING NASCAR!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!), loses control of his car during qualifying at Texas and goes AIRBORNE. Oh, my God, I have no idea how he was able to walk out of that unscathed. Just nothing short of miraculous. I mean, that's one of the scariest wrecks I've seen in a while, the car just kept tumbling and tumbling. But hey, the guy made it out ok, and that's all that matters.

Final Four, Bulls-Cavs, and David Beckham

2008-04-04T13:41:00.002-04:00

Final Four in San Antonio...right around the corner! Here's what I predict for tomorrow's semifinal games.

Sorry, Kansas. But you ain't got shit against Roy Williams' Tar Heels!!!

KANSAS vs. NORTH CAROLINA
Kansas barely survived against a very good Davidson team, but let's get real. This team is and never will be national championship material. They simply can't win in the tournament, no matter how great their team is. Besides, UNC has steamrolled over just about everyone so far in the tourney, they have the player of the year in Hansbrough with a great supporting cast in a healthy Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington, and that guy who posterized Paulus. Roy Williams slaps his former team in the face again. PREDICTION: Tar Heels 82, Jayhawks 69

I like UCLA over Memphis...but it should be a close one.

MEMPHIS vs. UCLA
Memphis made a statement and quieted the doubters in these last two games, blowing Michigan State and Texas out. Very impressive...but I keep on saying, this team shoots 50% from the free throw line! That will come back to bite 'em in the ass. And going but against a solid defensive team in UCLA, it's not going to be easy. UCLA is deep and talented, and Kevin Love is an absolute BEAST. This game should come down to the wire, but Memphis misses some crucial free throws late, giving UCLA the win. PREDICTION: Bruins 73, Tigers 71

I believe I covered all the baseball news...in the NBA, I couldn't resist the temptation to talk about how the Bulls actually made themselves look good with a come from behind win on the road against LeBron and the Cavs. Yeah, that's right...the BULLS of all teams came from 17 points down (yes, they're the ones who CAME BACK this time, not the ones who blew it like they've done quite often this year) to shock Cleveland. Not exactly sure how that happened but at least this is one bright spot in a forgettable, lost season. Joakim Noah has played surprisingly well lately, and if Deng can be healthy for a whole season, and if Hinrich can exorcize the Monstar that possessed him this season, maybe, just maybe this team has a chance to make a playoff run next year. With all likelihood, we'll get a high draft pick, probably in the top 10. Getting Kevin Love would be awesome, Mr. Paxson. Just don't trade him away for some bum like Tyrus Thomas. And don't forget...we still need a damn head coach.

David Beckham's arrival has not and will not launch a soccer frenzy in America.

And if anyone cares...David Beckham scored his first goal for the Los Angeles Galaxy yesterday. Wait a minute. David Beckham??? I thought he played in Europe...oh, right he signed that deal with the Galaxy last year. Not like anyone remembers/cares anymore. Beckham had the potential to make a big impact on U.S. soccer if it weren't for his fucked up ankle. Now he's barely an afterthought except for some female SoCal socialites gawking at those barechested underwear modeling pictures in assorted magazines.

You can't be fucking serious...

Sorry, Becks. But America does not and never will embrace professional soccer. Yes, there's some enthusiasm for the World Cup, but come on, the MLS is a joke. Just take the team from my metro area of New York. They turned the New York/New Jersey MetroStars into...the New York RED BULLS? Dude. Talk about overzealous corporate sponsorship. I mean, they got the logo and the coloring and just about everything. What's next? Will the entire MLS change their team nicknames to high-caffeine beverages? What a joke. Next expansion team in the MLS: the Seattle Frappuccinos. Book it.

Bottom line: the Beckham experiment hasn't worked so far, and it will not work. Sure, there was some hype last year...but then all that was wiped out when he missed half the season due to injury. Now? I think it's too little, too late. American sports fans will continue to be oblivious to the MLS. And it doesn't help that Becks' best soccer is in his past. Now if you get somebody like Ronaldinho to play in the MLS...

Have a nice day, everyone. Enjoy what should be a fun sports weekend. I'm already reveling in it: Chris Sampson of all people is throwing a 1-hit shutout so far against the Cubs! WHEEEE!!!!!!!!

-Carson
4/3/08

Royals-Tigers, Cubs-Brewers, Johnny Cueto, and Bad Bengals

2008-04-03T17:53:00.010-04:00

Baseball roundup starts in Detroit. What the hell is wrong with the Detroit Tigers??? The Kansas City Royals pulled off a shocking 3 game sweep at CoMerica this week. The Kansas City Royals!!! What happened to that vaunted Tigers offense? I guess it didn't help that Miguel Cabrera will be out of the lineup the next few days with some minor injuries (already???) but obviously a BAD start to the season for the Tigers. That's 5 runs in 3 games. Just PATHETIC.

Brian Bannister and the Royals' pitching staff might actually turn out to be pretty damn good.

Then again, we should give credit to the Royals pitching. Watch out for the Royals this year. That's right, you heard me. This 3 game sweep may not be a fluke. Tigers are a good team, but the Royals just swept on them on their home field, and their unsung staff consisting of starters Gil Meche, Brian Bannister, and Zack Greinke have been dominant this series, and so was their bullpen as Joakim Soria picked up 2 saves. If Meche, Bannister, Greinke, and Soria keep playing at this kind of level for the whole season, Royals may not be that bad this year. I mean, Bannister put up seven 2-hit innings yesterday against what was supposed to be one of the best lineups ever put together. Not anymore, I suppose. Tigers need to respond in a big way this weekend against the White Sox, because if they can't beat teams that are supposed to be AL Central cellar dwellers, then how can we expect them to beat better teams like the Indians, Red Sox, Yankees, Angels, and Mariners??? This team needs to WAKE UP.

Speaking of teams off to a slow start...for the first two games this season, the Milwaukee Brewers drank the Cubs' Old Style beer. They drank it up! But somehow the Cubs FINALLY found a way to scratch out a win, one that they DESPERATELY needed. This team was absolutely lifeless in games 1 and 2 of what actually amounted to be a crucial series, as silly as that sounds in the first week of the season. But they got it done, behind Ryan "Dumpster" of all people. Dude. How the hell did that happen?

Thanks to Dempster, the Cubs avert a total disaster in Opening Week of the 2008 season.

Ryan Dempster, despite struggling through the 1st, completely OWNED the Beers today, much to my delight. Maybe the experiment is working? But I doubt it, I think Dempster will alternate between these kinds of games and 2 IP 7 ER Jason Marquisian blowups this season, giving him a mediocre mid-4.00 ERA and double digit wins and losses. I'd love to see him prove me wrong though. Remember, he's the guy who started jawing off in Spring Training about a Cubs World Series and everything. But in my opinion, this team, based on what I saw last year and so far this year, ain't gonna make it this year. They flat out suck in terms of fundamentals...just too many boneheaded plays on defense like Felix Pie missing the cutoff man, Aramis Ramirez not helping Soto on the popup in the 10th on Monday, allowing 2 guys to score on a SACRIFICE FLY, you name it. World Series teams don't get themselves in those kinds of braindead clusterfucks. Period.

So, the Cubs have the hottest baseball fans in the league? Verrrry nice, I like!

On a side note: Cub fans were rated as the hottest (female) baseball fans in the nation!!! If you don't believe me, I guess I'll let that picture speak for itself. Good news for me, I suppose. At least now I can break the ice instead of acting like a total buffoon if I ever get the chance to talk to a hot Cubs fan: I can probably keep the conversation going for a few minutes, perhaps talking about how Kosuke Fukudome is gonna Fuku up National League pitching this year, or why the hell Jason fuckin' Marquis is still on the team, or how Felix Pie twisted his testicle, or that I actually go to the same university that Rich Hill and Jake Fox attended...before I do start screwing things up. Or did I do that already with the twisted testicle reference? But I digress...enough lamenting for now, back to some serious conversation.

This "hottest fans" honor was hardly a surprise though. Men who watch Cubs games on WGN...yeah, we EMBRACE the Budweiser Fan Cam at Cubs home games!!!!! Especially when it gets it to summertime because that's when all the good looking ladies pop up all over the Friendly Confines, showing off their ridonkulus bodies to the voyeuristic WGN camera crew. I'll stop before I get too far and sound perverted here, but in the meantime...I'll just let that sink in. Gotta love the Fan Cam...

Staying in the NL Central, how about this kid Johnny Cueto. What a debut! 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 Ks. Damn. Reds could be a threat this year in a very weak division, especially if they give kids like Jay Bruce, Joey Votto, and Cueto a chance to shine. But why the hell is Corey Patterson and his career .298 OBP leading off??? Stupid Dusty Baker.

Chris Henry arrested AGAIN...and the Bengals are in a major organizational clusterfuck. AGAIN. Some things just never change.

In the NFL. The Bengals have ISSUES. Serious issues. Chad Johnson is pissed. Real pissed. Look, this guy's entertaining and everything and does some creative TD dances...but as a teammate, this guy's a yakass. He's the kind of selfish, me-first, egostical bastard that I can't stand in sports. Quit bitching about your situation and actually do something about it.

On the other hand...the Bengals are one fucked up team. Just a year ago they had something like 9 players on the team get arrested. Odell Thurman, their starting linebacker, is still suspended I believe for breaking some kind of law. And now Chris Henry gets arrested for assault...AGAIN. This guy's a total scumbag. Bengals finally decide that enough is enough and cut him loose. But wow, this team has major issues. They have NO DEFENSE, they just lost one of their top wideouts, their other wideout is bitching about how much this team sucks, Carson Palmer had one of his worst years of his career, and Rudi Johnson completely fell off the face of the earth. Looks like the Bengals have returned to their rightful place in the NFL: perennial LOSERS.

-Carson
4/3/08

Pedro Martinez, Marlins, Josh Hamilton, Moises Alou, and Guy Hits Himself in Face With Tennis Racquet

2008-04-02T12:41:00.006-04:00

Lots of baseball stuff to cover. Even though we only had about half the league playing yesterday, there was still plenty of intrigue.

Pedro Martinez. Hurt. AGAIN.

In Miami...the Marlins beat the Mets in 10 on a Robert Andino (who???) walkoff homer. Meanwhile, Pedro Martinez went 3 innings, gave up 4 runs, and got hurt. AGAIN. This time with a hammy tweak. Pedro's quickly turning into the Rich Harden/Mark Prior/Carl Pavano of the Mets. He just can't stay healthy. I know I was very high on the Mets this year, but if Pedro can't stay healthy and Oliver Perez can't continue to pitch at a high level, their rotation, even with Santana, is just as shaky as the Phillies, Cubs, Brewers, and other NL contenders this year.

Billy the Marlin must be on welfare...

Speaking of the Marlins...there was a report yesterday that Alex Rodriguez has a higher payroll than the ENTIRE Marlins team combined. Hardly surprising, considering A-Rod got a bit of a pay hike this offseason while the Marlins unloaded AGAIN, getting rid of Miguel Cabrera and the overrated Dontrelle Willis. So now they're left with Hanley Ramirez, Dan Uggla, and some guys I never heard of like Robert Andino. NOBODY on their entire roster makes more than $2.5 mill a year (highest paid player is their closer, Kevin Gregg), while the league average, according to Mike and Mike in the Morning, is about $3 mill. Damn. Well...at least they have the Manatees to entertain the 5,000 or so people who actually show up at Dolphin Stadium to watch these guys.

And that leads us to the Yankees, who have a $200+ million payroll this year, far and away the highest in the majors. (Tigers came in 2nd with about $130 mill). They had their home opener last night, and won 3-2 over the Blue Jays. I hate the Yankees like the majority of Americans but if there's a reason to root for them, it's Joe Girardi. This guy has a great baseball sense and is a hell of a leader. Joe Girardi gives this team a reason to be optimistic this year. His leadership gives this team, loaded with talent and ridiculous salaries, a chance to make it to the World Series for the first time since '03, a "drought" by Yankees standards. Should be another competitive race in the AL East this year, and with young, rising talents like Melky Cabrera, Joba Chamberlain, Phil Hughes, and Ian Kennedy...this team should be pretty damn good this season.

Josh Hamilton is going to have a monster year. I believe that was my preseason prognostication. And he's off to one hell of a start, belting a 2-run go ahead 9th inning homer off one of the best closers in the game, J.J. Putz, giving the Rangers a 4-3 win in Seattle. Keep your eyes on this guy. He is a BEAST.

Maybe if you peed on your hands more often, you would've caught that ball, Moises.

And finally...Moises Alou says he probably wouldn't have caught the Bartman ball. Yeah, whatever. I'm sick of talking about this story, anyway. That one play made a lot of Cub fans miserable for what could be many years, and ruined one unfortunate Cub fan's life forever. Too little, too late, Mr. Alou. You should've said this back in October 2003, not in April 2008. Perhaps Steve Bartman wouldn't have to live in ignominy for all eternity anymore. How about this, Moises. If you had urinated on your hands more often, you may have had a better chance at making the play, don't you think? Or not.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

This is nuts. Mikhail Youzhny, some Eastern European tennis player, goes bonkers after making an unforced error at a crucial moment in some random, irrelevant tennis match, beating himself upside the head with his racquet. Dude. What the fuck was that?!!!!!! This is a FIRST. I've never seen this before...an athlete beating himself into submission with a blunt object after making a mental mistake, and then injuring himself in the process. Wait. Yes, I have. Kevin Brown punching a wall. And Woody Austin whacking himself on the side of his head with his putter, eventually breaking it. I've got to say, that guy's got one hell of a tough noggin...

-Carson
4/2/08

Santana, Pujols, Fukudome, Tigers, and more Opening Day Fallout

2008-04-01T10:40:00.006-04:00

Well...now that I've returned to some semblance of sanity after the chaos that was Opening Day '08, I think it's damn time we review what happened.

WINNERS
-Johan Santana. The Santana era in New York has begun in grand fashion. Johan dominated the Marlins, leading the Mets to an easy 7-2 win. I know it's one game, I know it's the Marlins, but I can't see how anyone can pick against a team this good to go to the World Series. The Mets may win 100+ games this year.

So far, so good for Johan Santana.

-Xavier Nady. 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, 4 runs, and single-handedly led the Pirates to the win despite blowing a 5-run lead in the 9th inning...

-Jake Peavy. Picking up right where he left off.

-Albert Pujols. Torn elbow ligament? Big whoop. Homers in his 2nd at-bat against the Rockies. Too bad the game was rained out afterwards...

-Kosuke Fukudome. I'll have more to say about this later.

LOSERS
-The weather. Cubs, Reds home openers were both delayed at some point...final home opener at Yankee Stadium washed out, same with the game in St. Louis.

-The bullpens.

Kerry Wood and Bob Howry. Ouch. But Cub fans need to relax, Wood's still going to have a dominant year I think and Howry always starts out slow. Remember, Howry had an ERA in the 1.00s in the last 3 months of the season last year.
Eric Gagne. The guy looked lost out there...scratching his ass, messing with his goggles...and dude. Don't wear pants that are five times too big for you, you look like a dumbass.
Tom Gordon. He has a 135 ERA right now. 'Nuff said. Oh yeah, and he did give up 5 runs in the 9th to the Nats, blowing the game for the Phils

-The Tigers. What happened to that vaunted offense late in the game against Kansas City? They started out strong but fell asleep in the late innings against the Royals bullpen.

-The Giants. Oh, dear. It's gonna be one long season in San Francisco...

-Rockies pitching. They were lucky the game was rained out, because the Cardinals were putting on an offensive assault against their ace, Jeff Francis. They start Kip Wells today, in the first official game of the season. Dude. Kip Wells??? You gotta be kidding me.

Fukudome Frenzy has just begun, folks!!!!

Finally, now that the delirium that followed yesterday's Cubs game has worn off, I've decided to address the season opener in a more appropriate context. Simply put...Kosuke Fukudome is a beast! His opening day performance was just something extraordinary, in a memorable, goosebump-making 9th inning 3-run jack. The Wrigley faithful were going bonkers. Len Kasper was screaming "OH, BABYYY!!!!!!!" Eric Gagne was looking discombobulated. The scene was just so surreal. Despite the loss, that moment was just incredible. Had the Cubs won, this game may have ranked as one of the best regular season Cub games ever, despite the frustration of seeing Soriano, Theriot, Lee, Ramirez, and Pie unable to do anything productive whatsoever at the plate. His performance has me thinking...perhaps those preseason stat projections for him (.280-15-70) may have been a tad too modest. But right now, Kos-K has the inside track to NL Rookie of the Year for sure. Domo Arigato, Mr. Fukudome. Hopefully the next time you deliver with these heroics again, this team won't choke again at the end.

More Opening Day thoughts

2008-03-31T18:55:00.003-04:00

Rarely do I ever make two posts in one day, but I am so PISSED that I MUST rant about this.

Cubs lose today 4-3 in 10. Wow. That sucked. Our team was PATHETIC in every facet of the game. Can't hit, can't pitch, can't do shit! Other than Kosuke Fukudome, Carlos Zambrano, and Carlos Marmol, this team was TERRIBLE. Just downright TERRIBLE. Is this supposed to be the NL Central champions? Come on now, that was a complete joke of a performance out there. Our top 4 hitters were a combined 0-for-15? or something like that.

Of course, today was just a microcosm of the history of this franchise. They deliver the thrills, but in the end, they CHOKE because of performances like that of Kerry Wood and Bobby Howry today. What the fuck was that??? Kerry has been dominating all spring and then gets rocked. Howry was AWFUL. Soriano, Lee, and Ramirez...what the fuck is this, the Division Series all over again? Face it. This team ain't going to the playoffs if we see that kind of hacking style again. We need more players like KosK. Who actually has discipline at the plate. Who actually plays hard and smart baseball, when the rest of our team has a baseball IQ of -50. Dude. This is UNACCEPTABLE. I know this is Opening Day and I might be a little melodramatic here, but we can't rely on Fukudome the whole season. These bums need to pick it up. Theriot went 0-5 today...is he really our leadoff hitter? This is a time where Brian Roberts looks better and better, and FUCK YOU Andy McPhail for being such an asshole and delaying that trade until forever. Anyway, today was one of the most frustrating Cubs games I've seen in a while. This team's plate discipline has not improved WHATSOEVER since the playoffs. And that's gonna bite 'em in the ass this year for sure. I am SICK of watching these hitters flail around at the plate like they have no idea what the hell they're doing.

Brewers will run away with the division if we keep playing like this. Then again, perhaps not, if they decide to keep Gagne as their closer. Good God, he's terrible. He scratches his ass and gives up big HRs in pressure situations. Face it. Gagne SUCKS when he's off the 'roids. But if the Cubs don't improve their plate discipline and baseball IQ, there's no way in hell they even contend for the division crown this year. It's as simple as that. Good thing we have Fukudome to offset guys like Theriot, Lee, Soriano, Ramirez, and Pie who just swing and everything they see, even if the ball's going to the damn backstop.

-Carson
3/31/08

MLB Opening Day 2008

2008-03-31T12:51:00.003-04:00

Finally...baseball is back. It's been a long, dreadful offseason, but the wait is over, and it's time to PLAY BALL. And boy, did we get off to one hell of a start, with the Opening Night game in Washington. In brand new Nationals Park. An incredible finish, with Ryan Zimmerman belting a walkoff homer and sending the Nats fans into a frenetic frenzy in their first game at their beautiful new ballpark. BASEBALL IS BACK. Hallelujah!

Ryan Zimmerman starts out the 2008 baseball season with a walkoff homer for the Nats!

Yeah, last night was amazing. A terrific game from start to finish. From the start...with George W. Bush getting booed while throwing the first pitch...to the end, with Manny Acta inexplicably opting to go with Jon Rauch, his setup man, over his shutdown closer, Chad Cordero. What the fuck??? I'm sure many fantasy owners, and eventually Nats fans, were getting irked about that call. It backfired, of course, after a passed ball that allowed Martin Prado to score the tying run from third. And then, it would set up Zimmerman's heroics in the 9th. Baseball is BACK.

This season is a very special season, especially for Cub fans like me. 100 years. 100 years of suffering. 100 years of heartbreak. 100 years of what Lou Piniella now calls "Cubby occurrences." Will this year be any different? To be realistic, probably not. The rotation is just way too shaky for this team to make a legitimate October push. But the Cubs seem to be the sentimental pick of Sports Illustrated, ESPN's Buster Olney, John Kruk, and yes, the master prophet himself, NOSTRADAMUS...to make it to the World Series. Maybe this really is the year. But after all, I consider myself lucky. I've only had to experience the following "Cubby occurrences"

Victor fuckin' Diaz. His opposite field 3-run 9th inning game tying homer off LaTroy Hawkins in '04 is scarred into my memory forever, and is just one of many "Cubby occurrences" that we've seen in recent years

-The '98 sweep
-The '99 midseason collapse
-The '01 late-season collapse (all started when Jeff Fassero served up a salami to Ryan Klesko in San Diego)
-Game 6 in '03 ('Nuff said)
-The Mets Game in '04 and the ensuing final week collapse (Victor fucking Diaz...)
-D-Lee's injury and the '06 debacle
-The '07 sweep

And this is just the short list. But just imagine the older Cub fans who had to endure the '69 disaster, or Leon Durham in '84, for example. That's who I really feel sorry for. But seriously, even the younger Cub fans have been traumatized by this...I mean, could a team have worse luck than the Cubs? I know, I know, Pirates fans are probably worse off. So are Rays fans. But at least they're consistent. With the Cubs...once they finally start doing something remarkable and giving fans hope, everything then goes to hell. That's suffering on another level from just suffering because your teams sucks every year. The Cubs aren't perennial losers. They're just perennial victims of the most fucked up shit that you'll ever see in sports. Maybe this year, things will change. We can only hope...that next year is finally here.

-Carson
3/31/08

ELITE EIGHT SUNDAY LIVE RANT.

2008-03-30T14:51:00.005-04:00

7:28 PM
So...a review of the week that was in March Madness

BEST GAME: Davidson vs. Kansas. Does it get any better than is? Amazing.

WORST GAME: The Memphis games. Boooooring.

BEST PERFORMANCE: Stephen Curry vs. Wisconsin. Total domination!

GOOD CALL: N/A. I don't really give a damn about my disastrous bracket anymore.

BAD CALL: Texas in the Final Four...

7:25 PM
On a side note...does anyone think Gus Johnson does amazing play-by-play? He gets so ridiculously hyper during games...including bizarre screeches during critical situations like in the UCLA-Gonzaga game a few years back. Gus Johnson has to be the Chip Caray of college hoops.

7:17 PM
Wow. That kinda sucked...Davidson had a shot to pull off the upset of the sports year by shocking Kansas on the last possession. Curry had the ball, but couldn't get off a clean 3 and had to give it up to Richards. Who missed badly on a shot from waaaaay downtown. So for the first time EVER. All 1 seeds advance to the Final Four.

I like everyone else in America outside of Kansas was rooting for the Comeback Cats. Unfortunately...they came up juuust short. I hate to play Sunday Evening Point Guard here but Curry should've penetrated for the 2 after he saw that the 3 wasn't available. I know overtime could've gotten tricky with Lovedale fouled out but the Cats had the momentum on their side, and when the 3 isn't available, GO FOR 2. But Curry opted to stick with a possible 3 point attempt, and it backfired.

Don't get me wrong, I love how this kid plays. He takes chances, difficult shots. And he makes them. But sometimes, he puts up reckless shots in pressure situations, and we saw that in the final 3 minutes of the game tonight. Well...it was fun while it lasted, but Davidson couldn't pull off a George Mason tonight. And Kansas. For the first time ever...they don't choke!!!!!!!

5:30 PM
Stephen Curry. He's doing it again. I know it's early, but he's starting to rain down those 3s on the Jayhawks. So far, Davidson has a slim 17-16 lead. Stay tuned.

By the way, the Memphis game SUCKED. Texas didn't even stand a chance...

2:58 PM
Memphis is all over Texas early in this one, opening up a 16 point lead!!!! Looks like I misunderestimated the Tigers in this one. I thought their free throw shooting would screw them over. Looks like I was wrong. Memphis is playing with a chip on their shoulder and are threatening to run away with another game in Houston, after blowing out the Spartans on Friday.

ELITE EIGHT SATURDAY LIVE RANT.

2008-03-29T19:38:00.003-04:00

Before we get to the Live Rant, there a few other Cubs related thoughts I want to dish out. Kerry Wood was LIGHTS OUT today, notching the save in a 4-2 game, and pitching his way out of a 2 on 0 out jam. KERRY WOOD IS A BEAST!!!!! He hit 101 on the radar gun. That's miles. Per Hour. 101!!!!! That's as hard as I've ever seen Kerry throw in his career. He's looking like his old self. Scratch that. BETTER than his old self. I'm predicting a 1.70 ERA, 40 save year for K-Wood. BOOK IT.

Also...all the Opening Day games in the Midwest could be rained out. All the forecasts say that there's going to be a massive storm system moving on in Monday. Games in Chicago, Detroit, Cincinnati, and Cleveland could all be rained out.

That's unfortunate...I was looking forward to seeing the Cubs-Brewers game on Monday afternoon after class. And it appears I'll have to miss out on seeing the debut of the Detroit Tigers' offensive machine as they prepare to clobber the Kansas City Royals.

ELITE EIGHT SATURDAY LIVE RANT
8:00 PM
All UCLA now. Unless Xavier can mount a Davidson-esque comeback, the Bruins are headed back to the Final Four...

7:47 PM
Just started watching the college hoops...and so far, not much to report. UCLA up by 9 at the half over Xavier, and then we should have one hell of a matchup between UNC and Louisville later tonight. There's an outside chance that my original sheet of integrity might actually have the right Final 4...that has never happened before. EVER. Still, I don't think it'll happen. Davidson will beat Kansas tomorrow. BOOK IT. Kansas chokes in the tournament every year, and they've had the luck of facing mediocre teams thus far. They haven't had to shut down a Stephen Curry yet, and Davidson will pull off another upset. Yes, they will beat the top 3 seeds in the Midwest to advance to the Final Four.

I also read in the Detroit Free Press today that Davidson went toe-to-toe with UNC earlier this year, losing by just 4. Also, they had an 18-point lead over UCLA before eventually losing. I'm telling you, this team is GOOD. And tested. They will shock the world. AGAIN. Stephen Curry is putting up an individual performance that we haven't seen since the days of Carmelo Anthony here in the NCAA Tournament. Watch out Kansas. Stephen Curry will eat your cornbread. He'll eat it up!

SWEET 16 FRIDAY LIVE RANT.

2008-03-28T19:15:00.008-04:00

9:18 PM
The slipper still fits! Davidson, this year's Cinderella, advances with a blowout over Wisconsin! That's 25 straight wins for the Cats, and this time they were in control for most of the game, without having to mount a miraculous comeback like they had to against the Zags and the Hoyas. Next up. Kansas. Unless they somehow lose to Villanova, setting up a 10 seed vs. a 12 seed in the Elite 8 in Detroit? No way that happens. But in a tournament filled with surprises...I wouldn't rule it out...

8:50 PM
STEPHEN CURRY! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! This is just an AMAZING performance. He is taking over this game! Davidson 63 Wisconsin 46, UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

8:48 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 1
Another dagger from Curry. And there goes my 2nd chance bracket. Davidson! 15 point lead! Could pull off yet another upset! Is Kansas next??? Oh, boy...

8:38 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 2
Oh, my God...Stephen Curry is ON FIRE. Davidson up by 9. Can anybody stop this guy????

8:28 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 4
Uh-oh. 6 point Davidson lead. NOT GOOD. Perhaps I should've kept on drinking the Davidson Kool-Aid this week. You can't underestimate the fight in these 'Cats. I was high on Davidson going into the Tournament, I said so right here on the Sports Rant. But even I couldn't have predicted that they would play this well...

7:18 PM
Love those Bud Light "Dude" commercials. I know they show those all the time but it never gets old!

7:17 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 8
Oh, my God! Wisconsin was WAAAY OFF on that 3. Off the side of the backboard? Downright PATHETIC.

7:15 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 8
Stephen Curry has saved me from total embarrassment twice with his 2nd half heroics. But I'm going to need him and Davidson to lose in this one if I want my chance to win a cool million! Today, I have Wisconsin, Kansas, Memphis, and Texas winning. Wish me luck! Let's go Badgers...

SWEET 16 THURSDAY LIVE RANT

2008-03-27T20:26:00.006-04:00

Here we go...my shot at $1 million with Yahoo's Second Chance Bracket!

Once again, the Self-Esteem-O-Meter
10: I'm gonna be a MILLIONAIRE!
8-9: I am a GENIUS.
6-7: So far, so good!
4-5: At least this hasn't turned into a total clusterfuck just yet...
2-3: I SUCK. Period.
1: I hate my life.

12:17 AM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 8
Sorry for the lackluster updates. Louisville dominating Tennessee right now, and somehow Western Kentucky has made it competitive late in the second half against UCLA. But if UCLA hangs on here...4 for 4, bitch! Looking damn good in my pursuit of $1 million!!!!

10:28 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 7
Oh, my God! Tennessee is getting THUMPED! Louisville up 24-8, it's TOTAL DOMINATION so far.

Assuming UCLA takes care of business, I'll be 4-for-4 tonight in my 2nd chance bracket, baby! HELL YEAH.

9:56 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 7
That was waaaay too close. But Xavier survives, thank God!!!!! My $1 million pipe dream is still alive! For now, at least...

8:28 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 4
Uh-oh, here comes the Mountaineers. Xavier had a huge lead at one lead at one point and now it's gone. Fuck!!!!!! My $1 million bubble could very well be burst after one game, how PATHETIC is that???

Hornets, A-Rod again, and Sox-A's Game 2

2008-03-26T20:22:00.006-04:00

So to follow up on yesterday's Canseco-A Rod story...here was the $280 million man's response: "No comment." Well, I know the ol' "deny everything and then sue him" trick turned out to be a massive clusterfuck for Roger Clemens but A Rod has to do this. If Canseco is out there spewing bullshit then A Rod needs to take him to court. Period. He's out there tarnishing A-Rod's reputation, and A-Rod does nothing but issue a bunch of "no comments?" You're not helping out your cause, pal. Go on the offensive. Don't let Canseco wrangle you around like this. If he's lying, DEFEND YOURSELF. What do you have to lose? Unless, of course, you really do have something to hide...

As for stuff that's actually happening on the field...Red Sox and A's played Game 2 in Tokyo this morning. Emil Brown made up for his embarrassing base running gaffe in Game 1 that cost the A's the game in the 10th inning, hitting a 3-run jack to seal it for Oakland. But what did I tell you people...Rich Harden. Ridonkulus stuff! 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks...he was LIGHTS OUT. I know it's just one game, but Athletics fans and angst-ridden fantasy owners are relishing the moment. When Harden is healthy, he's unhittable. The question is how long he'll be healthy. Four straight years cut short by shoulder injuries? Let's hope not. I think Harden proves his critics wrong and has a monster year, and just watch: he will be the AL Comeback Player of the Year.

Crazy play in a Spring Training game between Kansas City and Los Angeles yesterday. Joey Gathright LEAPS over Dodgers pitcher Hiroki Kuroda, almost decapitating him!!!! Holy shit. He's got some HOPS. Damn.

Kobe who? LeBron who? Chris Paul should be the MVP this year, if the Hornets finish #1 in the West.

In the NBA...the Hornets are ON FIRE. Again. This time, they've surged all the way to the top in the ridiculously competitive Western Conference. And I really do think that they can contend for the title this year. Are they inexperienced? I don't know about that. You have solid veteran players like Peja Stojakovic, Bonzi Wells, and Tyson Chandler who've played in playoff games before, and David West and Chris Paul may very well be the new Stockton to Malone. And Byron Scott took the Nets to the NBA Finals back to back seasons. The Hornets are for real, people! The Celtics might have their Big 3, but the Hornets have their own Big 3: Paul, West, and Peja.

"Hey, did you guys happen to catch any filet mignon this week?" "Mr. President...filet mignon is a steak."

First seen on Detroit Channel 4's sports guy Bernie Smilovitz's video arcade segment: President Bush welcomed...the Bassmaster Classic champions, of all people, to the White House yesterday. Dude. Don't you have anything better to do??? Well, at least he offered up a classic soundbite:

"I thought it was important to welcome these champs here to the White House so that--you know, to encourage people to fish."

True dat, Mr. President. True dat.

Finally...I just found this today: Dear Gerald Henderson...Cam Thoroughman eats your pulled pork sandwich. He eats it up! Insult to injury in the final seconds after Duke choked against West Virginia last weekend.

-Carson
3/26/08

Rich Harden, Jessica Canseco AGAIN, Chris Webber, and Jonathan Roy's Rampage

2008-03-25T17:35:00.003-04:00

'ROIDS, LIES, AND MAN-BOOBS
The MLB Steroid Saga

A-Roid??? It's certainly possible. Jose Canseco's newest book will focus on Alex Rodriguez's steroid ties, according to some random web freelance writer. Canseco was pretty accurate with his initial steroids assessment: McGwire, Palmeiro were both users, and Bret Boone probably was as well. Same with Pudge Rodriguez. So Canseco's established himself as someone who's at least somewhat credible...but is he right about A-Rod? I honestly can't say for sure. This could either be a cheap attempt to sell books or something really legitimate. If the allegations are false, then A-Rod needs to stand up for himself and take Canseco to court for slander or something of that nature. If A-Rod does nothing in terms of legal response, then the likelihood of Canseco's actually telling the truth definitely increases.

Among Canseco's allegations: he introduced A Rod to a 'roid dealer, and A Rod returned the favor by...trying to seduce Canseco's wife. YES, the same Jessica Canseco involved in Roger Clemens' botched joke about comparing her fake mammaries with his wife's that could land him in prison. Never could've predicted this. But if Canseco wants people to believe him, adding the A Rod the Womanizer tidbit may have worked to his favor. After all, we all know about the New York tabloids and its "expose" of A Rod's fling with some random hot woman in Toronto last summer. Yet again...this steroid saga has seemingly turned into some kind of bizarre soap opera, filled with romantic intrigue, sexual innuendo, breast implants, and people injecting themselves in the ass.

A-Rod = A-Roid? Now that's news. A-Rod cheating on his wife? Boooooring.

Meanwhile, the baseball season started today in Tokyo, with the Red Sox beating the A's 6-5 in 10 innings. Tomorrow...Rich Harden, yes THAT Rich Harden starts for Oakland against Jon Lester. Harden has had a sterling Spring, and call me naive or whatever but it's about damn time to CALL IT...FRIENDO. Rich Harden will have a monster season. BOOK IT. He'll start 25-30 games and become an elite starting pitcher again. 4 straight years of shoulder woes? Come on now, he's due. Rich Harden is finally healthy, and will be dominant again.

Chris Webber, known most for his timeout fuckup, will retire from the NBA.

In the NBA. Chris Webber is going to retire. Well, he had a decent NBA career. A few good seasons with Sacramento. But he didn't do much in retrospect, and unfortunately, he'll be best known for calling timeout when his team didn't have one in the NCAA title game for Michigan, a gaffe known widely as one of the most embarrassing blunders in sports history. Ouch.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Finally, Patrick Roy's son goes on a RAMPAGE in a junior hockey league game. Holy shit. Dude. Take some chamomile tea or something. WOW. I don't know what got into him but this kid just went psycho. Maybe it's time to stop listening to those Marilyn Manson CDs...

-Carson
3/25/08

Kerry Wood, Nowitzki hurt, Davidson, and Tiger

2008-03-24T18:58:00.004-04:00

Bad news for the Mavericks. Dirk Nowitzki is out indefinitely with some kind of undisclosed leg/ankle injury, after a scary fall. Just when things couldn't get worse for this team: they are now 0-8 against above .500 teams since the J-Kidd acquisition. So what the hell happened to the Mavericks? Is it because they miss DeSagana Diop? Not really, from what I hear, Dampier was played well defensively in his place...so the Mavericks are in pretty bad shape as they make this final push for the playoffs.

Been a heartbreaking year for Dallas sports...as the Mavs and Cowboys both had the best record in the conference in their last two full regular seasons only to choke in the playoffs. Don't expect the Mavs to do any different this year...

In baseball...fantasy owners, take note. Lou Piniella has announced that Kerry Wood will be the Cubs' closer this year. I think I'm going to go out on a limb here and say: 40+ saves for K-Wood this season. BOOK IT. Yeah, you heard here first on the Sports Rant. Just like you heard that DAVIDSON was gonna go to the Sweet 16 (more on that later). Woody's gonna stay healthy and shock the world!!!! 2.40 ERA, 40 saves baby. Anybody but Ryan "Pass me the fuckin' Defibrillator" Dempster in the 9th.

Kerry Wood. 40 saves. BOOK IT.

Also, Sweet Lou decided to put Jason Marquis in the rotation. Are you fuckin' kidding me??? This guy is awful. Get him OUTTA THERE. I would rather have Sean Marshall in there than Marquis. And for some reason Lieber's in the bullpen now. Why??? He had a 1.80 ERA this Spring. PUT LIEBER IN THE 3-SLOT IN THE ROTATION, DAMMIT. It should be: Big Z, Lilly, Lieber, Hill, Dempster.

Speaking of Hill...what has gotten into Rich Hill this Spring??? Dude. THROW. STRIKES. Somehow he forgot to throw strikes and now has a grotesque ERA so far this Spring. Get it together, Rich. We need you to give us at least what you had last season...

Can anybody stop Stephen Curry???

Finally, I have to say it again: DAVIDSON IN THE SWEET 16! I believe I got that one. I may have fucked up everywhere else but at least I got the Davidson pick right. And it feels damn good. Stephen Curry...that guy can score from anywhere on the court. He can score with all five defenders around him, there's just no stopping him. Look for Wisconsin to have their hands full against this kid.

Finally, Tiger Woods' win streak is over, as he finishes 5th in Doral behind Geoff Ogilvy, AKA the Aussie guy who won the US Open because of Phil Mickelson's incomprehensible, 18th hole dumbassery. I know it's just one tournament but I'm starting to have doubts on whether Tiger can really pull off the Grand Slam this year. A lot of things are going to have to go Tiger's way if he can get it, that's for sure.

Enjoy the March Madness hiatus. And if you're feeling frisky, wake up early and have some sushi with your orange juice and Aunt Jemima pancakes tomorrow for Pseudo-Opening Day '08...in Japan: 6:05 AM on ESPN2.

-Carson
3/24/08

MARCH MADNESS SUNDAY LIVE RANT

2008-03-23T11:49:00.020-04:00

7:40 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 8
One of the wildest weekends in March Madness history is over. And what a ride it has been. What a finish between Memphis and Mississippi State. State really gave the Tigers a good run late, if only that dumbass didn't dribble the ball on his leg and that last shot who knows what the hell might have happened. But Memphis survives and goes on to play Michigan State. Something tells me the Spartans, another team that has surprised me, could pull off the upset here.

A Second Round review...

BEST GAME: Again, plenty of choices, but I'll go with Texas A&M and UCLA. Boy, that was INTENSE.

WORST GAME: Either the Louisville-Oklahoma or UNC-Arkansas blowouts. Boooooring.

BEST PERFORMANCE: Stephen Curry again, coming alive in the 2nd half...AGAIN...to lead Davidson to another miraculous comeback! I'll tell ya, it's fun rooting for these guys.

GOOD CALL: Davidson! Proud to be one of the very few bracket enthusiasts who NAILED that one. After going out on so many limbs, it was inevitable that one of them was going to work out.

BAD CALL: Butler in the Elite 8. Yeah, that was pretty stupid. But almost every year there's a 6+ seed who makes the Elite 8 so it was worth a flier, I guess. Who's it going to be this year? West Virginia, perhaps. And Butler gave Tennessee a run for their money. One lucky shot and who knows, the Self-Esteem-O-Meter could reach a perfect 10 if Butler were to somehow pull that one off...

5:35 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 8
Ok, I'll say it. BEST. MARCH MADNESS WEEKEND. EVER. Does it get any better than this??? Upsets everywhere...buzzer beaters...clutch performances...Cinderellas...Duke losing...ruined brackets...what else could you ask for from the Big Dance? Hell, it got so intense that CBS didn't even know which game to show

5:13 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 8
Then again the Butler pick didn't hurt me as much as I feared. Thanks to Davidson, anybody who picked G'town to be in the Elite 8 in this clusterfuck of a March Madness was just as screwed, so it's all good. Feels good to be right at least ONCE in all this. What did I tell you people?!!!! DAVIDSON was going to be this year's giant slayer, and I was RIGHT. Hey Georgetown. Davidson eats your Dog Chow. They eat it up! Stephen Curry = BEAST.

5:07 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 7
Fuck, Butler lost in OT. But hey, WHO WAS RIGHT ABOUT DAVIDSON?!!!!!!!! JACKPOT!!!!! Yeah, I'll savor that for now. Stephen Curry made some ridonkulus plays in the 2nd half. AGAIN. You heard it here first on the Sports Rant: that Davidson was gonna slay the Georgetown Hoyas, and IT HAPPENED! Hell yeah, bitches!

And it was hilarious how CBS found itself in a logistical nightmare: show the Davidson game? Show the Butler game in OT? Davidson? Butler? Davidson? Butler? David--you get the picture. MEMO TO CBS: show the other game on a sister channel, dammit!

4:37 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 5
THE COMEBACK CATS ARE BACK! Davidson somehow clawed its way back AGAIN, cutting the Hoya lead to 4, despite shooting 30% from the field and giving up a 65% FG rate. And Curry is just 4-17 from the field...

4:31 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 5
IT'S ALIVE, IT'S ALIVE, IT'S ALIIIIIIVE! HERE COMES DAVIDSON!

4:30 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
Here comes Butler!!!!!!!! WOOF WOOF! The Bulldogs are coming baaaack!!!!!!!!!

4:27 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 1.5
Aiiiiir ball for DJ Agustin at the free throw line! WOW. But Texas manages to hang on for a 75-72 win over Miami. How the hell did the Canes get back in this game??? Weren't they down by 17 with 5:00 left? CRAZY.

4:14 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 1
Davidson's done. (in other words, hopefully by prematurely pronouncing them dead they can mount a miraculous comeback like they did on Thursday, after I said they were done against Gonzaga) And Butler's not looking so good either. There goes any chance of me looking like a genius this year. It's just been a nightmare from start to finish....

3:37 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 1.5
STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. My fascination with the Davidson Wildcats may have gone a little out of control. Picking them to go to the Sweet 16 may have been a little too...irrational.

3:30 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 2
Davidson is falling apart. Curry is in foul trouble and has just 2 points...they are being outshot 61-29 percent...they are not sinking the key 3 pointers...nothing's going right for them so far. Hopefully they can make another thrilling rally like they did against the Zags....

Who cares about foul trouble, get Curry back in the game!!!!!!

3:25 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 4
Just out of curiosity...why are there so many empty seats in Raleigh for the Georgetown-Davidson game??? It's a good matchup with studs like Hibbert, Ewing, Curry, etc, so why is no one watching? Meanwhile, Georgetown is owning Davidson on defense. Davidson has absolutely no chance of making a high percentage shot right now...goddammit.

3:17 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 5
It's alive, it's alive, IT'S ALIIIVE! Time to bring back the Bracket Self-Esteem-O-Meter, with Davidson and Butler hanging in there and having a legitimate chance to pull off the two shocking upsets that I predicted...still giving me an outside shot of looking like a genius.

2:58 PM
All right, Bulldogs cut it to single digits. Progress...

Meanwhile in the Davidson game...Lovedale just picked up his 2nd foul, might not be back until the 2nd half. NOT GOOD.

2:46 PM
Come on, Butler. Get it together. Turnovers...bad defense...bad shot selection...fuck this. Maybe I should stop picking against Tennessee every year. Yeah, that's been coming back to bite me in the ass recently...

2:35 PM
Tennessee is all over Butler early. This one's gonna be a rout if they keep this up.

11:48 AM
So here we go again. If I have any chance of recovering my dignity with this bracket, it is today, at 2 PM, when Butler faces Tennessee and Davidson faces Georgetown. With so many upsets happening, what are the chances that we have two more huge upsets today? Hmm. It looks I'll be in a precarious situation. I went out on a limb but I may not have picked the right 2nd round upsets, just like with the 1st round. Davidson...they probably won't be able to stop Hibbert because the size mismatch, and Curry needs to score 25+ if they want any chance of winning. Butler has a better chance of pulling off the upset though. Tennessee's good, but Butler is playing with a chip on their shoulder after being hated on by the NCAA committee. That should be one hell of a game.

Meanwhile, we have two 12-13 matchups in the 2nd Round in Tampa. Who could've predicted this? Anyway, I like Villanova and San Diego in those matchups, as they play for a Sweet 16 berth against Kansas and UCLA. Good luck with that...

MARCH MADNESS SATURDAY LIVE RANT

2008-03-22T15:59:00.016-04:00

12:50 AM
Sorry, for the delay, but I'm sure we all know that UCLA has somehow escaped with a 53-49 win. Wow. That was just too close for comfort...

11:04 PM
The Self-Esteem-O-Meter is officially broken. But I'm sure many others' are as well, especially if the Bruins can't come back here!!!!! "What the hell's goin' on out there?!!!!!!"

10:48 PM
Uh-oh. UCLA down by EIGHT!!!!!! PANIC TIME.

10:27 PM
Well, well, well...UCLA appears to have their hands full so far against the Aggies, down 29-26 at the half. If they lose this one, that would certainly be the biggest upset of the tournament thus far. And if they lose, that means Texas A&M, San Diego, or Western Kentucky will be the Elite 8. Who would've thunk it???

9:05 PM
Not gonna happen. Stanford wins! What a game!

9:04 PM
Whoa. Brook Lopez rattles one home to give Stanford the 82-81 lead. 1.2 seconds left. Marquette needs a miracle!

8:51 PM
Ohhhh yeah! Overtime in Anaheim, baby. Marquette and Stanford, tied at 71. This should be damn good.

8:35 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 1
Notre Dame is toast. Man, my bracket was a total disaster. After all, whose wasn't???

7:33 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 1.5
Yeah. NOT GOOD. Wazzu all over Notre Dame at the half. Marquette pulling away from Stanford. DAMN IT.

7:13 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 2.5
Yeah Irish not looking so good thus far...UNLV-Kansas is underway. Watch for UNLV to give the Jayhawks a ballgame. I wouldn't be surprised at all if Kansas choked in this one.

7:04 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
I know it's early. But I just have a bad feeling that I shouldn't have counted out the Wazzu Cougars. Picking Winthrop was stupid, sure. But if they beat Notre Dame tonight, that one will really bite me in the ass.

6:53 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
All right, Badgers in the Sweet 16. Finally I have a Sweet 16 team locked up. Now if only Xavier can hang on over Purdue....

5:31 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
Duke lost. Damn. My bracket is fucked. But it's all good, I still have a shot at $1 MILLION with the Yahoo "Second Chance" Tourney Pick 'Em. It ain't over 'til it's over, bitches.

4:04 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 2
Duke can't buy a basket right now. They've been just putrid shooting the ball in the 2nd half. What was it, 0 for their last 11 from 3 point distance? Pathetic.

3:59 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 2
Day 3 is under way and things are still not going so hot. I have Duke in the Elite 8, and now they're losing by 8 to West Virginia. Figures.

MARCH MADNESS FRIDAY LIVE RANT

2008-03-21T13:26:00.033-04:00

Day 2 is under way.

MY BRACKET SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER GUIDE
10: $5 million, baby!!!!
8-9: Holy shit, I can't believe this is happening! I am a GENIUS!
6-7: Wow. Looking pretty damn good here.
4-5: Eh...not too bad, I guess.
2-3: Figures. I am a complete idiot. Might as well give up now.
1: Bracket's going in the shredder.

1:00 AM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 2
Clemson lost. Unbelievable. To Villanova, are you kidding me??? 4 games today at Tampa, 4 huge upsets. I picked upsets this year. Too bad I missed on all the right ones. Another Sweet 16 team down with Clemson losing.

And finally the 1st Round is over. Let's review.

BEST GAME: Definitely Drake vs. WKU. This game had it all. Crazy comebacks, overtime, clutch plays, and a buzzer beating 3.

WORST GAME: UCLA vs. Mississippi Valley State. 70-29.

BEST PERFORMANCE: Stephen Curry, putting up 40 points on the Zags.

BEST PICK: What was my best pick? I don't know. I didn't get much right in the 1st Round. I guess not falling for the St. Joe's red herring and picking the Sooners to win, but there wasn't really much to be joyful about from my perspective.

WORST PICK: There were plenty. Vandy...should've gone with the trend and picked Siena. Temple...what the hell was I thinking? Winthrop...ditto.

OVERALL ASSESSMENT: This bracket is in shambles. But still, today ROCKED in terms of entertainment. Upsets galore, and that's what the Big Dance is all about. Yesterday was rather boring except for Belmont-Duke but today we had it all, making this one of the most memorable NCAA Tournament 1st rounds in recent memory.

11:38 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3.5
Indiana's done. 11 point lead with 2 minutes left? I say a comeback is unlikely. It's incredible what happened to this team, talk about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It wasn't that long ago when they were what? Top 5 in the nation with a 17-1 record? And then Sampson got busted and this team has tanked under Dan Dakich.

Meanwhile, Clemson is LOSING by 3 against Villanova. How did this happen??? They were up by a huge margin at the half if I remember correctly....took a 25-7 lead at one point. But somehow, Villanova is in this thing. I didn't even think they deserved to be in the tournament, but wow. Clemson is killing themselves...5 for 10 at the line so far. Brutal. No way

11:22 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
What the fuck? Villanova is down by 1??? Where the hell did that come from???

11:05 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
Indiana's back in it. But Eric Gordon is 1-8 from the field with 2 points. He needs to pick up his game if the Hoosiers want to pull this one out.

10:26 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
Watching the Indiana game right now. Arkansas's ahead at the half, but it's still competitive. How about DeAndra Thomas on Indiana? 6-8, 300 pounds. This guy is MASSIVE.

DeAndra Thomas, Indiana power forward, and possibly Michael Sweetney and Tractor Traylor's man-child???

9:20 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. I didn't buy into all the media expert hype about Siena but it looks like they were right about this one. Fuck! At least I have Vandy going out in the 2nd round. My Sweet 16 still looks okay, but I've been getting raped in this first round.

7:53 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3.5
Looks like another shitty evening performance for me. Mississippi State is falling behind and Vandy doesn't even look like they're trying against Siena. Get it together people!!!!!

7:35 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 4
Picked the wrong upsets this year. Siena off to a red hot start against Vandy.

6:10 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 5
UPSET CITY! The Toreros tame the Huskies 70-69 in OT! Oh, my God! Whoever picked either Western Kentucky or San Diego to go to the Sweet 16 is a genius, because that's what we're going to have. Don't you just love March Madness???? Incredible game, what a finish. The people down there at Tampa are some lucky bastards. First they get the Western Kentucky-Drake game and now THIS!!!!!! I love the Big Dance.

6:06 PM
HOLY SHIT! What a shot! 70-69 Toreros! 1.2 seconds! Oh, my God!!!!!!

5:49 PM
What the fuck just happened?!!!! The UConn dude got the rebound but stepped out of bounds with 2 seconds left! It should be Toreros ball! Go figure. We're going to OVERTIME. Again.

5:36 PM
DID YOU SEE THAT REVERSE? INSANE!!!!!

5:29 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 4.5
What a day. Classic March Madness action. After seeing two thrillers in the Davidson and Western Kentucky games, we have another nailbiter in Tampa: San Diego and UConn are going down to the wire, 52-51 Toreros, 4 minutes left. Stay tuned.

4:45 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 4.5
Yo, South Alabama. Butler drinks your RC Cola! They drink it up! 72-45 right now, game's almost over. OUCH. So I'm feeling pretty confident right now about my reckless Butler to the Elite 8 prognostication....

4:29 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 4
How about those San Diego Toreros??? Even though I picked UConn, I'm pulling for San Diego here. I knew this was going to be a competitive game and the Toreros are stepping it up, with a 5-point lead over the Huskies at the half. Interesting.....

3:58 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 4
So much for nerve-wracking. All Butler so far, 47-30 at the half. Eat that shit, South Alabama Kool-Aid drinkers!

3:31 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
This is going to be one nerve-wracking game between South Alabama and Butler...

3:26 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3.5
Self-esteem aside, that was one hell of a game between W. Kentucky and Drake. Buzzer beaters, upsets, this is what March Madness is ALL ABOUT, BABY! Amazing television.

3:10 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! FUCKED!

3:05 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 6.5
After a chaotic sequence...Jonathan Cox makes 2 free throws. Drake up by 1. 5 seconds to go. Ohhhhh man....

3:00 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 6
Uh-oh. Drake down 98-97. 21 seconds left...

2:48 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 7
Overtime. HELL YEAH.

2:45 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 7
This is what March Madness is all about. 88-88. 24 seconds left. Western Kentucky has a chance to win it. Here we go...

2:41 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 7
IT'S ALIVE, IT'S ALIVE, IT'S ALIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!! Only a 1-point deficit now for Drake!!!!

2:31 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 6
Looks like Davidson will hang on for the incredible comeback win. Stephen Curry has 39 points and 8 threes so far. This is why I picked Davidson to be this year's Cinderella. When you have a gamechanger like Curry on your team, it's going to have a huge impact on your success. Now if only Drake can pull off a similar miraculous comeback against the Hilltoppers, that would be just dandy.

2:28 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 6
Davidson up by 5 with 30 seconds left! Drake cutting it to a 2-possession game! That's what I'm talking about!!!!!!

2:25 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 5
STEPHEN CURRY! 3!!!!! 77-74 CATS! 58 SECONDS LEFT! JACKPOT!

2:06 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
What a game between Davidson and Gonzaga. Nice comeback, Cats! And as for Drake, oh, my God. Talk about PATHETIC. The Bulldogs are getting neutered by the Hilltoppers.

2:02 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER: 3
OHHHH! DAVIDSON IS BACK! 4-POINT PLAY OPPORTUNITY FOR CURRY! 62-62! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

1:54 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 1
Miami pulling away now from St. Mary's. Man, this is just brutal.

1:47 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 1
Davidson is done. Three words. WORST. BRACKET. EVER.

1:27 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 1.5
I give up. It's over. It's all over. Shame on you if you actually paid attention to any of my "strategery sessions" because Drake and Davidson are both losing at the half. Fuck this, I'm throwing in the towel. I'm just so damn bad at this stuff. All of my upsets backfired. And now my Drake and Davidson Sweet 16 picks are blowing up in my face. I really suck at this...

MARCH MADNESS THURSDAY LIVE RANT.

2008-03-20T14:24:00.018-04:00

Throughout this rant, I'll be using a Bracket Self-Esteem-O-Meter. Here's how it works.
10: $5 million, baby!!!!
8-9: Holy shit, I can't believe this is happening! I am a GENIUS!
6-7: Wow. Looking pretty damn good here.
4-5: Eh...not too bad, I guess.
2-3: Figures. I am a complete idiot. Might as well give up now.
1: Bracket's going in the shredder.

12:17 AM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER: 3
Day 1 of the NCAA Tourney is over. My assessment...um. NOT GOOD. I didn't do so hot. 4 losses...bad ones, too. Winthrop...what the fuck was I thinking? BYU blows it every year...and Temple wasn't that good to begin with. Gosh darn it. At least I did well on the late games. Speaking of late games, can you say PUBLIC HUMILIATION? UCLA destroyed Mississippi Valley State. Final score: 70-29. OUCH. That's the lowest final score I've seen in the NCAA Tournament probably...ever.

If there's any consolation I can take from Day 1, I still have my Sweet 16 safe. But what sucks is that all I had to do was pick the favorites, and I would've done well. Finally, after 5 years of angst and misery ridden bracket filling, I'm finally discovered the secret to this. Just pick the damn favorites!

10:43 PM
Winthrop: 11 points in the second half, lost by 30. I suck at life.

10:42 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 1.5
If Wisconsin loses tonight (up by 2 over Cal State Fullerton at the half)...my bracket is officially going in the shredder. This really sucks, you know. And I have a feeling my Butler and Davidson prognostications won't get very far tomorrow. This bracket looks fried.

10:02 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 2
After flipping back to CBS during the outrageously long commercial breaks for LOST, I managed to catch the conclusion to the Duke-Belmont game. Wow, what a finish! Duke wins...barely. That was...unexpected. If they had lost, I would've gone a cool 0-4 in the evening games. Yeah...I'm not doing so hot today. If there's any consolation, at least my Sweet 16 picks are safe...for now.

8:53 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 2
Well, I guess the maverick strategery of going out on a limb isn't working so hot. I realized how one should attack these brackets. Just pick the higher seed. At the rate we're going, you'd have a perfect bracket if you didn't pick any upsets whatsoever so far. Mr. Conservative, you are the genius bracketologist, and people like us are just wannabes, destined for failure each March. Picking Winthrop = STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. Can't watch this anymore. Time for some LOST, baby.

8;44 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 2
Winthrop is done. Pathetic, just pathetic. Why am I such an idiot??? Why??? And what the fuck is going on, BELMONT of all teams is giving Duke a run for its money. Meanwhile, USC is back in it against KState, but the chances of me going 0-4 in these evening games is becoming a very real possibility...

8:29 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 2.5
I'm screwed. USC is losing. Wazzu is pulling away. BYU...I don't even know what the hell's going on over there. This sucks. I suck at this shit.

8:00 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 4
Trojans and Wildcats just went to the half. And USC really is stinking up the place. See, this is why you never trust a team coached by Tim Floyd. Or USC basketball for that matter. We'll see if they can rebound in the 2nd half but right now they are just being outmatched on both side of the court. Meanwhile...also at the half, surprise, surprise! Winthrop and Wazzu are tied at 29.

7:47 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 4
BYU better pick up the pace...8-0 Aggies 5 minute in.

7:38 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 4.5
Uh-oh. What the hell is happening to USC??? Can't play D, stupid shot selection...it's not very encouraging. K-State has a chance to extend this to a 9 point lead. And not sure if this means anything significant but...we have a ball game between Belmont and Duke so far, 26-25 Duke with 6 minutes left in the 1st half.

7:27 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 5
Evening games are under way. 5 minutes in and it's still 4-2 between Winthrop and Wazzu...wow. K-State and USC is the game on right now at CBS's Detroit affiliate. I expect this to be a very competitive game: it should be fun to watch.

4:33 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 5
Just got back from class, and feeling much better now. If Marquette hangs on here, I'll be 4-0 in the afternoon games. Thank God. And Kent State. Oh, man. UNLV eats your cinnamon bun. THEY EAT IT UP. It was 31-10 at the half. Yes, Kent scored 10 in the FIRST HALF. Pathetic. And Purdue is silencing its critics now, 19-point lead over Baylor.

2:46 PM
One thing I want to say is that the NCAA March Madness On Demand option BLOWS! I'm using the ultrafast comps at the University's Fishbowl and still the video is ridiculously slow and lagging (except during the commercials) because of the traffic. Tried to watch the last 5 minutes of the Xavier game, but...no dice, the video quality stinks more than diarrhea. I sympathize with all those unproductive cubicle dwellers out there suffering because of this...

2:33 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
Ok, looks like Xavier will hang on to win, so we've averted a TOTAL DISASTER. Temple lost. Dionte Christmas went something like 1-10 from the field. DAMN YOU, TEMPLE!!!!!! Looks like this year Temple over MSU is my new Long Beach State over Tennessee. DAMNIT. If 2008 turns out just like 2007 with no big upsets at all, this bracket is going in the shredder. Again.

Meanwhile, Marquette is losing 8-4 to Kentucky. Uh-oh.

2:26 PM: SELF-ESTEEM-O-METER = 3
Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck! I can't believe I picked Temple, what am I a complete idiot??? DIONTE CHRISTMAS, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?!!!!! ARRRRGH!!!! I AM SCREWED! SO SCREWED! I AM A COMPLETE IDIOT! Looks like another year of bracket futility for me. Well. At least Temple's cut it to 10 with 4:00 left. But so far, not so good. And Xavier's not looking so hot against Georgia. Please, please, please hang in there, people!!!!!!

TERRELLE PRYOR and Rockets-Celtics

2008-03-19T15:27:00.003-04:00

GO BLUE RANT

I have just two words for Mr. Terrelle Pryor from Jeannette, Pennsylvania. FUCK YOU! FUCKAAA YOU! The crazy son of a bitch is going to be a Fuckeye. SON OF A BITCH! How screwed is Michigan now? Let's assess. Getting Pryor was crucial to ensuring a successful start to the Rodriguez Era in Ann Arbor. Instead, we BLEW IT. We blew chunks. Terrelle Pryor to OSU ensures that the Buckeyes' hegemony over the Big Ten will continue these next four years. Get ready, Wolverine fans. Our losing streak against OSU might reach 8 after Pryor is done destroying us both in Columbus and here at the Big House. And to add insult to injury, Pryor's also the number 23 hoops recruit in the nation. We are fucked. Fucked like Eliot Spitzer. Fucked like former Indians reliever Kaz Tadano when everyone found out he was in a gay porn flick. Fucked like a man getting caught trying on his grandmother's Hanes for Her. WE. ARE. FUCKED.

Say it ain't so, Terrelle!

It's a dark, dreary, gloomy, overcast day here in Ann Arbor. One that no doubt resembles the mood of Wolverine Nation today. A few weeks ago, I figured Pryor was a shoe-in for Michigan. We have Rich Rodriguez, offensive mastermind. An offensive system that's ideal for Pryor's style of play. We have the Big House, a renowned academic reputation, and an administration that sometimes even goes as far as to value the well-being of its student-athletes over its actual students (but that's another debate). But for whatever reason, Pryor shunned us and went to Columbus. Alas...

Where does Michigan football go from here? I'm predicting a mediocre season in '08. It doesn't help that we lost on entire offense (Henne, Hart, Long, Manningham, Arrington) to the draft, plus Crable and Jamar Adams. The core of our defense should be back, but Rich Rod won't have the style of QB he needs to run his system. There was even talk that he might convert junior running back Carlos Brown to QB. HA! That ain't gonna happen...unless Rich Rod is really, really desperate...

So the QB situation is up in there. It's probably down to three pro-style QBs: Nick Sheridan, David Cone, and Ga Tech transfer Steven Threet. I doubt any of those three represents what Rodriguez wants for his spread offense. Our wideouts...well, we have Mathews back and Stonum as our four-star recruit...running backs, we'll have Minor, Brown, and the touted freshman McGuffie, but I doubt he'll get lots of carries this season. Expect to see a lot of Minor and Brown. But I really have doubts about Michigan this season. Ohio State will be once again the best team in the Big Ten. Laurinaitis is coming back, Beanie Wells is still there...watch out, they could make another BCS title run in '08. Michigan? I'd be satisfied with an 8-4 regular season, to be honest...

T-Mac mopes on the bench as he watches the Celtics open up a can of whoop-ass on the Rockets in Houston last night.

It is OVER. It's all over. As I correctly predicted on the Sports Rant: the Celtics beat the Rockets yesterday in Houston, snapping a 22-game winning the streak, the second longest in NBA history. They didn't just beat the Rockets. They CRUSHED them, 94-74. The high point of the game for the Rockets was before tip-off, when Clutch the Bear assaulted a Celtics fan with a cake. Wish I could find the clip somewhere, but I saw it on the Video Arcade segment of the 11 o'clock news on Channel 4 here in Michigan, featuring one of the best sports guys in the nation, Bernie Smilovitz. That guy is BADASS.

Anyway, this win could be interpreted two ways.

1. The Celtics are BY FAR the best team in the NBA, and is easily the favorite to win the title this year. Remember, they were without Ray Allen last night. But Leon Powe stepped up off the bench, and the addition of Sam Cassell seems to have made them even BETTER. They are 22-4 against the robust Western conference, and right now there's no doubt: the Celtics are the best team in the league right now, bar none.

2. The Rockets are lucky/overrated. 22 straight wins is 22 straight wins, but they did it playing a relatively soft schedule. They played the Mavericks, but they didn't have Nowitzki (suspension). They played the Hornets and Lakers, but they were missing David West and Pau Gasol, respectively, due to injury. And let's not forget...they're playing without that go-to-go inside, Yao Ming. Let's see how they play tonight at New Orleans and later this week at Golden State to judge whether this team is a legitimate Finals contender this year, or if it will be another one-and-done season.

PUBLIC HUMILIATION

Another hockey-related public humiliation incident. Maple Leafs vs. Islanders. Maple Leafs goalie Vesa Toskala...OOPS! That's gotta be embarrassing. They showed a clip on ESPN of the entire Islanders bench, trying their best to contain their laughter at the poor fellow...

But what's even funnier, if you paid attention to the clip, in the background, most of the seats in Nassau Coliseum are EMPTY! HAH! Looks like I was right about NOBODY CARING for the Islanders in the New York area.

-Carson
3/19/08

Possible Olympics Boycott and Billy Donovan

2008-03-18T19:05:00.005-04:00

After a ridonkulus sports weekend, things have calmed a bit in the aftermath...and again, I reiterate. Make sure you don't miss the Celtics-Rockets showdown on TNT at 9 tonight.

MONDAY MORNING QUARTERBACKING

This is the first entry in a series that questions certain decision making, whether it be on or off the playing field, by high-profile coaches and GMs. Our first victim: Florida Gators head coach BILLY DONOVAN.

After winning back-to-back NCAA Championships and establishing himself as one of the best coaches in college basketball, Donovan bolted Gainesville for Orlando, taking the Magic's job offer and agreeing to a lucrative deal last summer. But for whatever reason, Donovan got cold feet, and left the Magic at the wedding altar. Sure, hindsight is 20-20, but dude. Why the fuck would you turn down that job??? The Magic have one of the most talented centers in the league, Dwight Howard. The guy is a beast, he'll give you a 23-12 line any given night. Sure his defense may be a little suspect, but he is just DOMINANT on the low block. Complement him with the veteran swingman in Rashard Lewis, the clutch sharpshooter in Hedo Turkoglu, and a decent point guard in Jameer Nelson...suddenly you have a pretty good team. A team good enough to clinch a playoff berth this past week...a team good enough to be a 3-seed in the East and possibly make a darkhorse Finals run this year.

Still not sure why he decided to go back to Gainesville...dude, what do you have to gain by staying in Florida???

Yes, I know successful college coaches have flopped in professional sports. But Donovan's situation will be different from that of Rick Pitino, Steve Spurrier, and certainly Bobby Petrino. The talent was already there in Orlando. Donovan was in a foolproof situation. But he inexplicably turned down the Orlando job to return to Florida.

Florida's situation will get better. They tanked this year because they lost their entire team to the NBA. But Donovan will get them back on the map instead of toiling in the NIT in a few years. But still. I think Donovan should have taken the opportunity to jump to the NBA. He'd find himself in a perfect situation with the Magic. You've already reached your apex at Gainesville. What else do you have to gain by staying? Sorry, Mr. Donovan. You made the wrong call by deciding to return to the Gators. Sometimes, it's time to start moving on to bigger and better things. You've already won 2 NCAA titles. How could you pass up a golden chance to win an NBA title a few years down the road as well, with a talented, rising Magic team? Makes no sense to me.

BEIJING OLYMPICS UPDATE

Uh-oh, trouble lurks ahead. After some buzz on a possible Olympics boycott due to boiling tensions in Tibet and Chinese military deployment to the region, there's now a movement toward a partial boycott. The French foreign minister suggested a potential EU boycott of the Opening Ceremonies. Oh, please, let this not be true!

I don't want to take sides here. I am Chinese, but anytime the topic of human rights or Tibet or Taiwan comes up, I get a little squeamish. It's almost like taboo for me, and probably for other Chinese as well. I'm not going to defend the Chinese human rights record or anything. I'm just going to talk about some expectations here. Did people really expect the Chinese government to do NOTHING while all hell is breaking loose in Tibet as protesters are committing violent acts against ethnic Hans in the region and roughhousing all over Lhasa? Come on now, let's be realistic. The last time we had an Olympics boycott was during the Cold War---are we really going to go that far and boycott because of this? Because the Chinese sent troops to quell some unrest in Tibet? Dude. This may not be the right analogy, but what if the US held the Olympics in 1969, and countries boycotted because of the Kent State massacre??? Or if the US were holding the Olympics in '06, and countries boycotted because of Haditha killings or Abu Ghraib? That's how ridiculous this is. A boycott doesn't change anything. It's only depriving our athletes from fulfilling their lifelong dreams. Just say NO to any variation of a Beijing Olympics boycott.

To pass out or not to pass out?

I'm not done here. Now that the boycott elephant is out of the room, there are other issues at hand with the Beijing games. How the hell are they gonna be able to run the marathon in the Beijing August heat?!!!!!! Okay, maybe it'll be more reasonable if they cut it to 13 miles, because the entire field will collapse in heat stroke if they decide to run the entire marathon. Haile Gebrselassie (ridiculously hard to spell, I won't even try to pronounce) made the right decision in skipping the Olympics marathon. This is one case in which Beijing has completely fucked up. The air quality in my city...I'm ashamed to say...SUCKS. Especially in August. I don't blame Mr. Gebrselassie for skipping it, and I may even go as far to suggest that they scrap the marathon altogether. It's putting the athletes at risk. If people were suffering from heat stroke during 90-degree heat indices in the Chicago Marathon last October, how are they gonna survive the suffocating pollution and 100-degree heat indices in the Beijing August?

I've been to Beijing in August and it is BRUTAL. Just walking around all day in the Forbidden City Imperial Museum almost made me short of breath (this was back in '02). So the Olympic organizers are gonna have to figure something out about how to run the marathon and other outdoor events. And I don't know if the air quality is still shitty out there...and I'll be reporting first-hand from Beijing this May on how far the city has gone in terms of its pollution problem.

-Carson
3/18/08

Nuggets Drop 168 on Sonics, Rockets make it 22, Butler Bulldogs, and Tiger Woods

2008-03-17T13:59:00.003-04:00

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY, EVERYONE. Enjoy your Guinness and try not to throw up in your girlfriend's panty drawer, gentlemen.

Rockets make it 22 straight, as I predicted, with an easy win over a Pau Gasol-less Lakers. They face the Celtics next in another MUST-SEE game at the Toyota Center. I think the Rockets lose here. The Celtics are the best team in the NBA, say what you will about the Western conference, and the no-name Rockets and their win-streak has to end sometime. And that sometime is tomorrow against Boston. Celtics 105, Rockets 94. BOOK IT.

Meanwhile...my God, did you see what happened in Denver last night? The Nuggets drank...no, shall I say...absolutely CHUGGED the Sonics' milkshake last night. They chugged it all up! It wasn't just a 52 point plasterizing. Denver put up 168...that's right...168 points! In regulation! Holy shit! At first when I read that score on Yahoo Sports I could not believe what I was seeing...I thought it had to be a misprint, but WOW. 168 points. Talk about beatdowns...we've had quite a few this year. Who could forget...Texas Rangers 30, Baltimore Orioles 3. OUCH.

More NBA milkshake drinking. Jason Maxiell with the RIDONKULUS REJECTION on Tyson Chandler. He made Tyson look like a turkey!

El Tigre esta en fuego, bitch!

High drama at the Bay Hill Invitational. Tiger Woods and Bart Bryant, tied at -9. Bart Bryant is already in the clubhouse. Tiger has a birdie putt for the win. Surprise, surprise, he nails it. As my favorite SportsCenter anchor Kenny Mayne says, "into the clown's mouth!" Oh, yeah, into the fuckin' clown's mouth, bitch! TIGER STRIKES AGAIN. That's his 5th straight win, and he's playing better than he's ever played in his career. I really think he's going to win the real Grand Slam this year. You just can't stop this guy.

NCAA TOURNAMENT STRATEGERY SESSION

Some more in depth strategery and analysis while y'all're bracketeering...my Cinderella pick this year suddenly doesn't look so hot. The Butler Bulldogs inexplicably slipped to a 7-seed this year after owning their schedule and going a cool 29-3, finishing 10th in the AP poll and 17th in the RPI. Why the fuck are they a 7-seed??? And even worse, they're playing in BIRMINGHAM against South ALABAMA. I forgot to account for that...

Dude. Bulldogs are a 7-seed? You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Oh well, I'm confident in Butler getting it done. If they get past South Alabama without breaking a sweat, we'll see what happens from there. But I am very high on Butler this year. If I remember correctly, I think that they've been to the Elite 8 before. They'll do it again this year, despite some ridiculously unfair bracketmaking.

Also, I don't like Memphis that much anymore...they may be 30-1 and whatever but they just can't make free throws. That will hurt them in the tourney. And yes, Davidson over the Hoyas might be a little insane in the membrane but come on, let's get real. Last year was a fluke. There are upsets and Cinderellas every year in the Big Dance...except last year. There's never been back to back NCAA tournaments without a 7 seed or higher making it to the Elite 8 (that's why I picked Butler), and there's only been 4 NCAA Tournaments ever without a 13 seed winning (that's why I picked Winthrop over the struggling Wazzu Cougars). And I don't remember there being any Final Four with 4 #1 seeds.

And 1 change of heart. I'm thinking about taking Clemson over Vanderbilt now in the 2nd round, for the record.

-Carson
3/17/08

MARCH MADNESS STRATEGERY SESSION

2008-03-16T18:58:00.005-04:00

THE BRACKETS ARE FINALLY SET! MARCH MADNESS IS HERE, BABY!!!!!! And so are my picks. Buyer beware...I am anything but a bracketology expert. My last five brackets have all ended up in the same place: the shredder. At least I'm consistent. But this year, I've decided to keep it mildly sensible. No Long Beach State over Tennessees, no Holy Crosses over Southern Illinois no 5-seeds or Mississippi States in the final four, none of that crazy shit. This time, I'm picking with my brain, and not my ass. This is my premier bracket...I'll be making a few, but this, using the phrase coined by the brilliant Mike and Mike radio show hosts Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic, this is my so-called "sheet of integrity."

So let's break it down.

In the EAST, I have MOUNT ST. MARY'S winning the play-in game.

1st Round

1UNC over 16MT. ST. MARY'S. Duh.

9ARKANSAS over 8INDIANA. Indiana has fallen apart lately, and Arkansas played well in the SEC tourney, knocking off Tennessee.

5NOTRE DAME over 12GEORGE MASON. Sorry, not this year, Mason. Notre Dame is better, this won't be the 12-seed upset we'll see this year.

13WINTHROP over 4WASHINGTON STATE. HELLO! UPSET SPECIAL! Once again, I'm tempted to let my ass do the thinking and pick Winthrop to win. Last year, I picked 2 13 seeds to win. Not smart. But did you know there hasn't been consecutive years without a 13-seed winning in NCAA tourney history? CHEW ON THAT. Winthrop gets the upset.

6OKLAHOMA over 11ST. JOSEPH'S. A good matchup, but OU has hung in there in a tough Big 12. I like OU.

3LOUISVILLE over 14BOISE STATE.

7BUTLER over 10SOUTH ALABAMA. Expected Butler to get a higher seed, but they'll win.

2TENNESSEE over 15AMERICAN.

2nd Round

1UNC over 9ARKANSAS. Arkansas (4-1 vs. top 25) could keep it competitive here.

5NOTRE DAME over 13WINTHROP

3LOUISVILLE over 6OKLAHOMA. It will be close, but I actually think Louisville wins here.

7BUTLER over 2TENNESSEE. I shouldn't be making this pick, but I am. Go fuck yourselves, Butler's going to the Sweet 16.

Sweet 16

1UNC over 5NOTRE DAME. UNC just has too much talent to turn down.

7BUTLER over 2LOUISVILLE. BUTLER, BABY!!!!!

Elite 8

1UNC over 7BUTLER. UNC wins BIG.

Hansbrough and the Tar Heels will have an easy road to San Antonio

Overall, a very weak conference. I'm very confident UNC will cruise its way to San Antonio.

In the MIDWEST region

1st Round

1KANSAS over 16PORTLAND STATE

8UNLV over 9KENT STATE. Oh, man. This is a TOUGH matchup. But I have to give the slight edge to UNLV.\

5CLEMSON over 12VILLANOVA. 'Nova keeps it close, but Clemson gets it done.

4VANDERBILT over 13SIENA. Vandy wins big.

6USC over 11KANSAS STATE. Interesting matchup, with Mayo going up against Beasley. But Beasley's got no help. USC hangs on for the win.

3WISCONSIN over 14CAL STATE FULLERTON. Expected Wisconsin to be a 2-seed...

10DAVIDSON over 7GONZAGA. Davidson keeps their hot streak alive.

2GEORGETOWN over 15UMBC

2nd Round

1KANSAS over 8UNLV. Should be close though. It was tempting to pick UNLV here, but again, I'll make a brain-based pick instead of an ass-based pick.

4VANDERBILT over 5CLEMSON. Vanderbilt has had the most consistent season thus far. I'll go safe and pick the Commodores to advance.

3WISCONSIN over 6USC. I like Wisconsin here. USC just hasn't shown enough consistency for me to give them the edge. 3-7 vs. the top 25 won't cut it either.

10DAVIDSON over 2GEORGETOWN. Okay, here's another ass-based selection. DAVIDSON IS GOING TO THE SWEET 16, BITCHES!!!!! Yes, this is a huge risk. I liked Georgetown a lot heading into the tournament. They have a deep, talented team with a stalwart defense. But there's been stretches during the season in which they haven't played to their potential. I think they're vulnerable for a slip-up here in the 2nd round. UPSET CITY, BABYYYY! Davidson wins.

This year's Cinderella: DAVIDSON!

Sweet 16

1KANSAS over 4VANDERBILT.

3WISCONSIN over 10DAVIDSON. Almost picked Davidson AGAIN. But I can't do that...that's just too outrageous. I'll go with Wisconsin here.

Elite 8

1KANSAS over 3WISCONSIN. Damn. I didn't want for this to happen. But this was such a fucked up regional that I just have to pick Kansas here. Wisconsin's not good enough to beat them, and since Georgetown's already out of the picture...damn. Kansas in the Final Four. Again. At least according to me. I'm just setting myself up for some major shreddage...

Moving on to the SOUTH regional

1st Round

1MEMPHIS over 16TEXAS-ARLINGTON

8MISSISSIPPI STATE over 9OREGON. I like Miss St big here. Why is Oregon a 9-seed???

12TEMPLE over 5MICHIGAN STATE. UPSET CITY, BABY! Michigan State has been too damn inconsistent lately. 6-6 in their last 12 games??? Fuhgedaboudit! SHOW ME THE HOOTERS! Temple Owls win in an upset.

4PITTSBURGH over 13ORAL ROBERTS

6MARQUETTE over 11KENTUCKY. Kentucky played exceptionally win in the SEC, but I like Marquette here, a well-coached, solid team that played well in the Big East.

3STANFORD over 14CORNELL. In the battle of SAT scores, GPAs, Asian people, and National Merit Scholarships, Stanford wins.

10ST. MARY'S over 7MIAMI. Not a big fan of Miami this year. St. Mary's hasn't fared well either recently, but I don't see Miami winning here. They'll keep it close, but my hunch tells me St. Mary's.

2TEXAS over 15AUSTIN PEAY

2nd Round

1MEMPHIS over 8MISSISSIPPI STATE.

4PITTSBURGH over 12TEMPLE.

3STANFORD over 6MARQUETTE. I like Marquette here, but upon further review, Stanford has a better vs. top 25 record and went toe-to-toe with UCLA in their last two matchups. This team is for real. I like Stanford.

2TEXAS over 10ST. MARY'S. Texas wins BIG.

Sweet 16

1MEMPHIS over 4PITTSBURGH. Don't fall for it. Pitt may be hot, but Memphis is one of the most talent teams in the nation.

2TEXAS over 3STANFORD. Stanford keeps it close, but Texas gets it done.

Going with Texas as a Final Four team...again.

Elite 8

2TEXAS over 1MEMPHIS. Yes, I'm rolling the dice with the burnt orange again. Last year I made the brilliant decision of penciling Texas, a 4-seed, into the final 4, hoping to ride the Kevin Durant train all the way. That didn't go so well...they were eliminated in the 2nd round against USC. This year, I'm riding the DJ Augustin train to San Antonio, baby. Texas has the most wins vs. the RPI top 50. Memphis is good, but Texas is better. The South is the toughest regional BY FAR.

Finally, the WEST regional.

1st Round

1UCLA over 16MISSISSIPPI VALLEY ST.

8BYU over 9TEXAS A&M. A&M has been all over the place this year. I'll play it safe and go with BYU.

5DRAKE over 12WESTERN KENTUCKY. Good matchup between midmajors. Hilltoppers keep it close, but Drake prevails.

4UCONN over 13SAN DIEGO. UConn advances, but don't be surprised if San Diego pulls off the upset here.

6PURDUE over 11BAYLOR. Purdue wins big.

3XAVIER over 14GEORGIA. Georgia's improbable run finally ends.

7WEST VIRGINIA over 10ARIZONA. West Va played pretty well in the Big East tourney...should at least get a 1st round win here.

2DUKE over 15BELMONT

2nd Round

1UCLA over 8BYU

5DRAKE over 4UCONN. Yes, I am a Drake believer. This team is for real. They're going to the Sweet 16.

3XAVIER over 6PURDUE.

2DUKE over 7WEST VIRGINIA

Sweet 16

1UCLA over 5DRAKE. Drake's run ends here; UCLA just too damn good.

2DUKE over 3XAVIER. Duke has too much talent to not advance to the regional final.

Elite 8

1UCLA over 2DUKE. UCLA is just loaded with game changing, impact players, and it will be too much for Duke to handle. If UCLA plays to its potential, there's no reason for why they can't make it to San Antonio for a 3rd straight Final Four appearance.

And here we go, the FINAL FOUR in San Antonio.

Manbeast Kevin Love will lead UCLA to the national championship.

I like UNC over KANSAS and UCLA over TEXAS. So it comes down to North Carolina and UCLA, the two most talented teams in the country. Both teams are loaded with some of the nation's best players. Tyler Hansbrough. Ty Lawson. Kevin Love. Darren Collison. Josh Shipp. In this titanic showdown, who has the edge? I say UCLA. There's just something special about this team this year, and with a superb starting five that can easily match North Carolina, I say this year the Bruins break out and win it all. UCLA will be the 2008 NCAA Men's Basketball National Champions. BOOK IT!

-Carson

3/16/08

TORNADO IN ATLANTA, Minnesota Buzzer Beater, Baseball in China, and Kaz Matsui's Anal Fissure

2008-03-15T19:26:00.008-04:00

Very busy day in sports so there's a lot of stuff to cover.

Where do we begin? Where else but Atlanta, where all hell broke loose yesterday after an F2 tornado ripped through its pretty downtown area. Atlanta is a very underrated, vibrant city so I definitely hate to see this happen. But why are we mentioning this in a sports blog? Check this out: scary footage from inside the Georgia Dome during the SEC Championship Quarterfinals between Mississippi State and Alabama. Both teams were locked up in a close ballgame halfway through OT when the tornado hit. Wow, that's something that I haven't seen before at a sporting event. Scary shit. They eventually resumed play after the severe weather subsided and Miss St wound up winning by 2, but my God...a very frightening situation inside the Georgia Dome indeed. Just think...if the Braves were playing at the time OUTSIDE at Turner Field...and a tornado struck, we're talking about a total catastrophe, with tens of thousands of people trapped inside one facility. Fortunately, the tornado didn't cause too many casualties, but there was all kinds of damage scattered across downtown: at Centennial Olympic Park, inside the World Congress Center, and at the CNN Building

F2 tornado hits the SEC Tournament in Atlanta!

So the SEC Tournament didn't really go according to plan, as the Kentucky game got postponed and the entire tournament had to move to the Georgia Tech arena. Meanwhile, in the Big Ten...PANDEMONIUM at Conseco Fieldhouse during the Minnesota-Indiana game. WATCH THIS. WOW. That's fucking incredible. And this from the same dude, Blake Hoffarber, who hit a game winning shot at a high school championship game while sitting on his ass!!!!

In baseball, the Padres and Dodgers kicked off the first "China Series" in Beijing, playing at Wukesong Stadium, which, by the way, is only minutes away from my house! They tied 3-3, but the most bizarre incident happened afterward, when a crowd of rabid, zealous, and Korean Chan Ho Park supporters clamored for the washed up starter's autograph. Dude. It's Chan Ho Park! But then again, he is the LeBron James of South Korea. Still, the fans' efforts were quashed by the hardass Chinese police. Two words: international incident?

MLB in Beijing: happy times!

And apparently, it was miraculously beautiful day for a ball game. A clear day? In Beijing? Holy shit. The chances of a clear day in Beijing is probably 1 in 15. Every time I go to China, I expect to see nothing but hazy gunk on a daily basis. Looks like the government's ambitious "blue sky" policy might actually be working...

Kaz Matsui...anus...tear...bleeding...hemorrhoids...surgery...OUCH!!!!!!!

Ouch. That hurts. First a twisted testicle, now an anal fissure. Baseball injuries just seem to be getting weirder by the day. The latest victim: none other than Kaz Matsui, who may have eaten one too many sashimis, causing some rough poopage that eventually gave him this nasty anus injury. What hurts more? Twisted testicle or anal fissure? I might argue for the latter: you can't even sit without feeling the burning in your asscrack. And pooping...ouch that must be even worse. Ugh. All joking aside, I sincerely hope Kaz makes a speedy recovery from this unpleasant injury so he can poop without pain. Yeah, you might want to invest in some Preparation H, pal.

MUST-SEE GAME ALERT

And I almost forgot. HUGE basketball game tomorrow between the Lakers and the Rockets (3:00ish on ABC), the two best teams in the West. Lakers will be without Pau Gasol...so I decided to change my pick to Houston, who will make it 22 straight with a win tomorrow: Rockets 92, Lakers 87

Also, another game worth watching: Longhorns and Jayhawks meet again at the Big 12 title game.

-Carson
3/15/08

Conference Tournaments, Bruce Bowen, and a Hockey Rant

2008-03-14T15:01:00.003-04:00

Happy Pi Day everyone.

Conference tournaments update: upsets galore in the Big East. 3 of the 4 top seeds lost yesterday, but Georgetown advanced after sinking 17 3s!!!! Meanwhile, bubble team after bubble team lost, and 2-time defending champion Florida looks fucked. Big Ten Tournament quarterfinals are still underway...it's official: Wisconsin drinks our milkshakes. They drink it all up. Michigan's depressing and pathetic 10-21 season is finally over, going out with a whimper in a 51-34 loss. 34 points??? Are you serious? Oh, my God, you couldn't do better than 34 points???? Open Mouth. Insert Buttermilk Ranch Dressing Casserole. Vomit.

Bottom line: if you actually commit yourself to watching Michigan hoops...make sure you bring plenty of Pepto Bismol. It's not pretty basketball, I'll say that for sure.

Bruce Bowen, the NBA's biggest yakass, finally gets disciplined after kicking the shit out of Chris Paul!

In the NBA, Bruce Bowen, AKA the dirtiest player in the NBA not named James Posey, got suspended for this play. It's hilarious since he holds up his hands innocently, protesting that he did nothing wrong, while his feet are going kung fu on Chris Paul, lying helpless on the ground. And Hornets fans did not look pleased...

Chris Paul and his little run-in was only one of Bowen's many other victims and confrontations. The list includes: Steve Nash, Ray Allen, and Amare Stoudemire. But his most egregious offense: the flying Jackie Chan dropkick on Wally Szczerbiak. OUCH!!!!!!

HOCKEY RANT

Very rarely do I talk about hockey. Why should I? I'm not a hockey fan...period. I am 100% APATHETIC toward the NHL. But since it's the 4th most "popular" sport in America (I think NASCAR might actually be making a run at that title), I guess I have to address it occasionally. Maybe I should be a hockey fan? I mean, I guess it could be reasonably entertaining. Daily fisticuffs and bloody noses, funky goals, shootouts, weird, unpronounceable Eastern European and Eskimo names (Jonathan Cheechoo, Miroslav Satan, Patrick Roy[Wah?], Jeff Beukeboom, Keith Tkachuk, Teemu Sellane), zambonis, octupi throwing fans...there's plenty of entertainment potential in hockey. But for whatever reason...I never got into it. I watched a few Stanley Cup final games here or there and a few Olympic hockey games, but for whatever reason, I didn't find it interesting enough to follow on a daily basis. But now for the Sports Rant and personal entertainment purposes...I might be obligated to adopt a favorite NHL team. It's down to the New Jersey Devils and New York Rangers, two teams near where I call home. My Jersey sentiments tell me that I should adopt the Devils as my new hockey fanhood but there's just something appealing about the New York Rangers, a team with a history much like that of the Cubs...a team with a passionate, angst-ridden fanbase, one that my masochistic tendencies can relate to. So it could be a hard call.

Hockey may be more entertaining than I once thought. The problem is that the NHL isn't very fan friendly.

So beginning in the '08-09 season, I vow to become a hockey fan. But there are serious obstacles in the way, including NHL's inexplicably moronic marketing strategery. What the fuck is the deal with not televising 95% of its games??? Dude. You guys SUCK at marketing. How are we supposed to be hockey fans...WHEN WE CAN'T EVEN WATCH OUR FAVORITE TEAMS ON TV?!!!!!! The NHL does not CARE about its fans. Maybe in Canada where all the games I'm sure are televised, but certainly not here in the States. For God's sake, Games 1 and 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals are on VERSUS, some obscure channel that only 10% of the country has access to!!!!!

Teemu Selanne and the Ducks won the Stanley Cup over the Senators last year. Too bad nobody was able to watch the damn finals because it was on some obscure exclusive cable channel called VERSUS.

And here is the problem with the NHL, and perhaps why I never got into it. The NHL is completely out of touch with its fan base. It's almost impossible to follow a team passionately through an entire season, and even the PLAYOFFS! because of this fucked up strategery. That's probably why I haven't followed hockey. That's why most of this country doesn't care about hockey, except for a minority of rabid followers. I'll give the NHL credit: they're starting to get the idea of how to make their sport more popular. The outdoor game in Buffalo between the Penguins and the Sabres was a huge success, and with possible Rangers and Blackhawks games planned at Yankee Stadium and Wrigley Field...hmm, the NHL may be on to something here.

Also, random thought: why does the New York metro area have THREE hockey teams?!!!!! DUDE! How ridiculous is that?!!!! And does anyone really CARE about the New York Islanders?!!!!! There's absolutely no reason for this franchise to exist in New York. Period. That's other problem the NHL faces. Do you really think there'll be hockey fans in Florida? Seriously...who really watches the Panthers in Florida? That's what I thought. Get more teams where hockey has a better chance to succeed. Seattle...Milwaukee...Cleveland...Salt Lake City...these are just a few of the great hockey cities that the NHL has ignored.

-Carson
3/14/08

Yankees, Michigan Hoops, and ANOTHER Mascot Brouhaha

2008-03-13T14:05:00.008-04:00

It's been quite a week for the Yankees. Crazy shit's been going down at Legends Field these past few days. Yesterday, we had a heated confrontation between the Yanks and the Rays. Shelley Duncan slides into 2nd in a not-so-friendly manner, almost amputating Akinori Iwamura's legs with that NASTY slide. Then Jonny Gomes comes charging in from out of nowhere acting like Sasquatch or something and attacks Duncan, before the benches clear to break up the short-lived fisticuffs. And this all because of Joe Girardi bitching about a rough collision at the plate last week when some single A Yankee catcher separated his shoulder after getting rocked during the hit at the plate. Dude. It's part of the game. So it's Spring Training. Young players are trying to advance their careers, of course they're going to play hard. Let's be realistic, Joe.

Jonny Gomes going bonkers, attacking Shelley Duncan during yesterday's Yankees-Rays scuffle.

Wow. Remember, this is SPRING TRAINING, but things are already getting tense. Congratulations to the Yankees, they have managed to piss off every single team in their division. Let's see: Red Sox---duh. Blue Jays---we all remember the A-Rod "hah!" incident. Orioles---the Armando Benitez incident, with him backpedaling his way back to the dugout, cowering from the dozens of furious Yankees charging at him. Okay, the Orioles may have started that but it was still quite an altercation. So yeah, there's quite a bit of bad blood between the Yankees and the rest of the AL East. And suddenly we might have a Yankees-Rays feud brewing right now.

And more Yankee news today. Billy Crystal made his Yankee debut today, hitting leadoff ahead of Derek Jeter against the Pirates. He actually worked the count to 3-1 and fouled off a pitch...before whiffing on back-to-back pitches from Paul Maholm, a fastball and a slider. Hey, give the man some credit...he actually got ahead in the count! And how bad would Paul Maholm look if he actually surrendered a walk in that situation?

Working the count to 3-1 and actually fouling a ball off...not too shabby.

And a what if scenario. What if the Yankees played the Rays again today? Would the Rays have plunked Crystal out of retaliation? Would Crystal have charged the mound??? Man, that would certainly make some awesome YouTube material.

In the Big Ten Tournament...surprise, surprise 9-21 Michigan advances, winning 55-47 over Iowa. It wasn't pretty...they missed 13 straight shots at one point. But somehow, they came away with a W. In my first year as a Wolverine aficionado, I've learned that while our football program may be one of the most prestigious in the nation, our hoops program is in total shambles. It says something about your program when your best player in the last decade was Robert "Tractor" Traylor. But I have a feeling that "Beilien Ball" will revive the Michigan hoops program. Good young players like Manny Harris and Ekpe Udoh will only set the foundation for this team to make a potential NCAA Tourney run 2-3 years down the road.

The "Tractor" Traylor. "OOGAH BOOGAH OOGAH BOOGAH!"

Hey, you never know. The Wolverines are up against the 1-seed Badgers next. 9-21 against Final Four contender. Are we screwed? Probably. But if somehow, someway these bums can pull off the biggest upset of the college hoops season...is it wrong to hope? After all since when did a 9-21 team make the NCAA Tournament? But like Chris Berman says: "That's why they play the game." We shall see what transpires at Conseco Fieldhouse in the coming days...

Finally...we have ANOTHER mascot brouhaha, this time during the Summit League Championship between Oral Roberts and IUPUI (Indiana University of Purdue University at Indianapolis??? I don't know, that's one hell of an acronym). All hell broke loose in Tulsa after a typical mascot danceoff turned ugly: watch the fight here, along with fan and fellow mascot reactions. Looks like the Jawz the IUPUI Jaguar absolutely drank Eli the Eagle's milkshake on this one. And worse, Eli the Eagle is suspended for the NCAA tournament. Bummer.

Look, I know there's a lot of people upset over the recent mascot violence, but whenever they start going bonkers, I must admit...it's fucking hilarious.

-Carson
3/13/08

Davidson, Indiana Hoosiers, Wrigley Field, and Brian Roberts

2008-03-12T13:41:00.008-04:00

Ok, I know it's going to be hard topping yesterday's shocking expose of Bill Belichick's bowel movements so I won't pretend like I can...

Championship Week is here, and March Madness is less than a week away. About damn time. I'll make my bracket picks on Monday, but today I'll list a few teams that I like and don't like in the NCAA Tournament.

SLEEPERS

23-0 conference record for Davidson. Not too shabby.

DAVIDSON. This team could be this year's George Mason. If the seeding turns out to be just like ESPN's Joe Lunardi's projected bracket, I wouldn't be surprised if Davidson beat 1 seed Tennessee in the 2nd round. Davidson went a cool 23-0 in its conference, finishing 25-6. I won't be surprised at all if they make a Cinderella run in the tourney. Watch out for Davidson!

DRAKE: Midmajor? Who gives a flying fuck. This team will make at least a Sweet 16 run.

WISCONSIN: Yeah, Big Ten sucks and whatever. I still like Wisconsin and their star big guy Brian Butch as a Final Four darkhorse candidate.

OHIO STATE: Lunardi projects them as a 12 seed. But after beating Michigan State and Indiana back to back, this could be a team to be reckoned with. If the seeding follows Lunardi's projection, I like OSU as a surprise Sweet 16 candidate, beating Marquette and Stanford.

NOTRE DAME: Luke Harangody = Big East player of the year. And Notre Dame could be a good sleeper pick to make it to the Elite 8 and perhaps even beyond. Charlie Weis is FAT.

NEW MEXICO: I don't know, I just have a good feeling about this team. Could be this year's UNLV.

BUSTS

Eric Gordon and the disillusioned, discombobulated Hoosiers team probably won't get very far in the Dance.

INDIANA: Losing to MSU by over 30 (or was it 40?) points and to OSU doesn't help. This team is in free fall. I'm picking them to lose in the 1st round to a 12 or 13 seed.

KANSAS: Like I said before. They fuck me over every year. But this year, I shall fuck them over!

UCLA: I was going to pick them to go to the final and perhaps even win it all. Then I had a dream the other night about them losing in the 2nd round to an 8-seed...

LOUISVILLE: They blow it every year, don't be fooled.

TENNESSEE: I don't see them going very far. I'm never really high on Tennessee. Last year I picked the 13 seed Long Beach State to knock them out in the first round. Obviously, that was pretty dumb but still...

Besides, Bruce Pearl probably will be distracted by outrageously hot sideline reporter Erin Andrews during the games... Watch it there, bub. Though I don't blame you, we all love Erin Andrews, AKA Playboy's sexiest sportcaster of 2007. I remember watching a Cubs game last year that Andrews was at and there was a Cub fan in the background, sitting in the front row literally gawking at her backside during the entire segment. Wish I could find the video somewhere but it was hilarious.

Now where were we? Oh, right: potential NCAA Tourney busts. (There's a sexual innuendo joke in this paragraph that would make a nice transition, but I think I'll pass) Last one!

GEORGE MASON: Okay, so they make it to the Big Dance. Fair enough. Just don't be stupid enough to pick them over good teams like Butler, Purdue, or Drake. Don't fall for George Mason, the '06 Final Four run was obviously a fluke (they didn't even make it back to the Dance last year).

Quick NBA update: Shaq (almost) goes airborne again!!!! Watch the entire Suns bench scamper for cover as Shaq almost dives for another loose ball against the Grizzlies! Pretty damn funny.

CUBS RANT

The '08 season should be interesting, now that a filmmaker John Scheinfeld is doing a documentary about the team, called "We Believe." And so far, the Cubs have been nothing short of a circus, and the season hasn't even started yet. We have Dempster making outrageous prognostications, Pie undergoing testicle surgery, Daryle Ward complaining of a numb asscheek, Marquis bitching around, and, of course, potential desecration of Wrigley Field by renaming it to some corporate sponsorship. All this makes for one entertaining first 20 minutes of "We Believe." If we keep this up, I bet "We Believe" has gotta be the funniest documentary since "Super Size Me."

My worst nightmare: [Insert Erectile Dysfunction Medication Brand Here] Field, Home of the Chicago Cubs

So regarding the naming rights shit...there's a few potential corporate/brand-related name changes that I wouldn't be comfortable with: any penal enhancement product (Cialis, Viagra, Levitra, what have you), any defecation or ass rash related product (Imodium, Pepto Bismol, Preparation H), just...avoid the pharmaceuticals in general, that would just be too awkward. Also, please, no yogurt related products (Dannon Field? Yoplait Field? GO-GURT Field???) or microwavable dinners (Hungry Man Field...Lean Cuisine Field...Hot Pockets Field). Please, NO to Under Armour Field.

In fact...I guess I'm not too thrilled about the idea of a name change at all. Wrigley Field is...Wrigley Field. Changing the name just feels...wrong. Wrigley Field is an American landmark, and if you're going to give it corporate sponsorship, that's analogous to changing the name of Mount Rushmore to Mount Nasonex! So my response to Sam Zell: Fuck no, keep Wrigley Field's namesake and stop screwing with this franchise that so many loyal fans care about.

ENOUGH with these incessant Brian Roberts to the Cubs trade rumors!

And I also want to address the never ending Cubs trade rumors. The Brian Roberts saga CONTINUES. Dude. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. How many times do I have to hear: "a deal between the two teams is expected to be reached by the end of the week/by next week."

What the fuck is wrong with the Orioles, just make up your goddamn mind already! You can call Roberts overrated or whatever but he is an elite second baseman with superb speed: exactly what the Cubs need right now, a left-handed, prototypical leadoff man that can allow Lou to move DeRosa around and have some more flexibility in the lineup. This trade has been on the table for four months and it still hasn't been resolved. Who knows if it'll ever be resolved, and I fully expect Roberts to play the '08 season with the Orioles. But I know this for sure, if the Cubs are really serious about making a pennant run this year, they NEED Roberts, and probably another quality starting pitcher. Zambrano won't be that good this year: his WHIP has gone up steadily in the past three seasons. Lilly will probably come back down to earth. And Hill...has had a rough spring so far so he's still a question mark.

Cubs fans have recently adopted the "It's Gonna Happen" rallying cry in recent years to represent the unabashed hope and passion that they feel for their Cubbies each year. I hate to break it to you guys, but it ain't "gonna happen" this year unless they get Roberts and their rotation doesn't fall apart.

Also, why the hell are the Cubs trying to deal for Coco Crisp??? We have Felix Pie, he's been tearing it up this Spring. I'm talking about him tearing it up at the plate, not with his...yeah. Trading for Coco just makes no sense whatsoever. Look, I know he has a funky name, Hendry, but let's at least give Pie a shot. The poor guy almost lost a testicle this week.

And on that note, I'll leave you with a picture of Jon Lieber's BIGASS truck that I found on the web the other day.

Holy shit! That thing's HUGE!

-Carson
3/12/08

Billy Crystal, Felix Pie, Trent Green, and Belichick's Acid Reflux Disease

2008-03-11T16:39:00.009-04:00

BREAKING NEWS: the New York Yankees, looking to add to their nucleus of young players like Joba Chamberlain, Philip Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Melky Cabrera, have signed a new, up and coming rookie to a minor league deal. Only problem...he's 60 years old. It's...Billy Crystal.

Introducing the newest Bronx Bomber: Billy Crystal!

Dude. This is ridiculous. So you're giving a stupid comedian a chance to play over some young prospects who are trying to make a living and advance their careers with this opportunity of playing in Spring Training. I'd be pretty pissed. Look, I know it's the Pirates and Crystal can probably hurl 2 shutout innings against them, but still...this is just outrageous. So any diehard celebrity fan can play an exhibition game for their favorite team? Does that mean I'll start seeing Spike Lee at point guard for the Knicks? Eva Longoria at small forward for the Spurs? Bill Murray at catcher for the Cubs? Jessica Alba coming off the bench for the Warriors (hell, I'd pay to see that)??? The possibilities are endless. Then again, I would love to see Billy Crystal break out the ridonkulus 12-6 curve from that 60-year old golden arm of his to make Jason Bay look silly. You never know...

A Felix Pie twisted testicle update. He'll be out for a week after undergoing testicular torsion surgery yesterday. Paul Sullivan of the Chicago Tribune discusses in excruciatingly vivid detail. OUCH. Sewing the scrotum wall...oh, my God. Open mouth. Insert octopus ovary casserole. Vomit.

Ouch. Anytime you hear sewing, scrotum wall, and procedure in the same sentence, that's BAD news.

Fortunately they diagnosed this early, or else our buddy Felix Pie would be short one testicle, according to doctors. Get well soon, and make sure you be careful with the family jewels. Watch where you scratch, and always wear a cup.

NFL news. Trent Green is back with the Rams. Hopefully his second stint will be more impressive than his first. What did he do during his short first tenure with the Rams? Let's see. 1 torn ACL. 1 Super Bowl ring as the Rams' official clipboardholder. A couple of games started during the circus season that was 2000. That's about it.

Poor Trent Green. I have a feeling this isn't the last time we'll see this happen.

Green will back up Bulger, who suffered a few concussions last year behind the horrific Rams offensive line. Green has also suffered two concussions in as many years with KC and Miami. Oh, my God. Who the fuck is our third string quarterback???? And why did we trade away resident Ivy Leaguer Ryan Fitzpatrick, who's smart enough to not get concussed on every other play, for a 7th round pick????

Well, at least Green is an upgrade over Frerotte. At least he won't fumble on 4th and goal at the 1 with less than 1 minute left in a crucial divisional showdown or headbutt a brick wall.

Brief NBA notice: Rockets win their 19th straight game. If you're wondering, the all-time record is 36 straight. Going out on a limb here...the win streak ends this weekend vs. the Lakers. BOOK IT.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS CONSPIRACY THEORY #2
Bill Belichick has an ACID REFLUX DISEASE medication addiction!!!!!!

Four words. TUM, TU-TUM, TUM, TUMS!!!!!!!

That describes Bill Belichick's undisclosed but very embarrassing condition. Yes, you heard me right. Bill Belichick has an addiction...to heartburn medication. Too absurd?!!!!! Well, at least hear me out here. Ever wondered why Belichick looks uncomfortable during his post-game press conferences? Ever wondered why Belichick left Super Bowl XLI :02 early? Ever wondered why Belichick refused to hug Eric "The Penguin" Mangini after playing the Jets and rushed off to the Patriots locker room? Ever wondered why Belichick punched that cameraman?

This condition explains EVERYTHING. Here's my hypothesis: Belichick had suffered from some serious acid reflux problems in his past and his doctor gave him a prescription medication for it, probably Tums or Pepcid or something like that. Over time, Belichick became so dependent on his medication that he had to take one every hour or else his digestive system goes bonkers, accelerating so fast, requiring him to take a MASSIVE dump that can't even be prevented by rubbing all the Preparation H in Don Zimmer's medicine cabinet over his asscrack.

"Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now, gotta go gotta go gotta go!"

So the NFL has a policy against bringing these kinds of medication inside an NFL stadium for security reasons, so every game Belichick is so unconstipated that he looks miserable the whole time and can't wait to get out of there so he can go take a poop and get it over with. As a tribute to the brilliant and catchy slogan of an overactive bladder medication TV commercial, Belichick is probably singing "gotta go gotta go gotta go right now, gotta go gotta gotta go" in his head every NFL Sunday on the sidelines (his hoodie helps hide the bloating). The NFL has covered this up for obvious reasons...how embarrassing would it be for the league if the public found out about Belichick's bizarre "condition?"

Anyway, here are a few scenarios of what Belichick might have been thinking during his infamous on-the-field antics.

SUPER BOWL XLII, final seconds.
Belichick: "Fuck. Not only did we lose to these pansies but I have to take a gargantuan shit! Damn nuclear chimichangas. What kind of fucked up food do they serve here in Arizona anyway? I better go find the john fast before this turns into a typical gross-out potty humor scene in some Ben Stiller romantic comedy. There are you, Tom Coughlin. Congratu-fuckin'-lations. I have to go. What? Two seconds left? Who gives a flying fuck?!!!! My anus feels like it's about to explode!"

AFC WILDCARD PLAYOFF VS. JETS (Belichick shoves a cameraman)
Belichick: "So now I gotta go hug that asshole Man-Gina or else the press is gonna blow this outta proportion again. I don't believe this. My ass is pulsating like Jell-O...I've got the tip of a turd coming out of my asscrack about to brownstain my tighty whities and I have to hug this penguin dude. Un-fuckin'-believable. [sees cameraman in his way] What the hell is this???! Dude! Get the fuck outta my way, douchebag! I have to take a serious shit!!!!!! [sees Penguin] Here. Here's your fuckin' hug. Now get the hell outta my face before I regurgitate the New England clam chowder Chunky Soup I had for lunch in your sorry face! "

And do I really have to go through a press conference scenario to show why Belichick is so cranky in those? I don't think so. There you have it. Bill Belichick has an acid reflux medication addiction. BOOK IT. Now let's all point and laugh at the old geezer. See you in a Ben Stiller comedy, motherfucker.

-Carson
3/11/08

Hilarious Mascot Videos, Shaq Goes Airborne, and NHL Dumbassery

2008-03-10T16:41:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I stumbled across the motherload: a plethora of mascot-related hilarity on YouTube. And I've compiled a list of my favorites:

Benny the Bull on Jerry Springer. Hilarity Level: 9 out of 10

Benny the Bull vs. Li'l Benny again. Hilarity Level: 8 out of 10

Oregon Duck vs. Houston Cougar: fighting for real. Hilarity Level: 7 out of 10

Wisconsin Badger steals Michigan State flag, then gets JACKED UP by Sparty. Hilarity level: 5 out of 10

The Famous Chicken Dance-Off: San Diego Chicken vs. Barney. Hilarity Level: 9 out of 10

Chicken vs. Barney again. Hilarity level: 4 out of 10

The San Diego Chicken OWNS Barney. Even in federal court!

The San Diego Chicken vs. Barney rivalry got so out of hand that Barney actually took the case to FEDERAL COURT! No joke, read for yourself. Obviously, the chicken won. AGAIN.

Random Blue Chicken vs. James Madison Duke Dog. Hilarity Level: 4 out of 10

Fatass Gopher vs. Old Bearded Dude. Hilarity Level: 4 out of 10

Timberwolf gets OWNED by Rapty. Hilarity Level: 5 out of 10

Compilation of Random NBA Mascot Bloopers. Hilarity Level: 8 out of 10

So let's review. The Jerry Springer bit was awesome. Anytime Benny the Bull and Li'l Benny are together, comedy ensues. And the Li'l Benny giant tongue french kiss with the girl...so weird, but so damn funny. The Oregon Duck was badass too, giving the Cougar a beatdown and dropping the People's Elbow in the process, but you gotta love Rapty falling down the stairs on the rollerblades in the compilation clip. And Clutch Bear, the Rockets mascot is HILARIOUS. The best part of the compilation clip has gotta be the ending, when Clutch attacks an innocent Sonics fan with the popcorn, and then celebrates. This shit is gold!!!!!

Speaking of entertaining clips...you might have seen this clip on SportsCenter already but it's worth seeing again: Shaq goes AIRBORNE! Watch, he falls at least 3-4 rows in, this is crazy. Fortunately no one got hurt, but I heard a couple of leather chairs were destroyed in the process. Ouch.

PUBLIC HUMILIATION

In the latest public humiliation segment, we have...oh, my God...a NHL reference! For all of you zealous cultists who follow professional ice hockey, enjoy this while it lasts.

During the nationally-televised Penguins-Capitals game, Capitals defenseman Nicholas Backstrom scored a goal. On his OWN TEAM. (here's the clip) He literally slapped the puck past his own goalie at point blank range. Dude. What are you, schizophrenic?!!!!!! I don't know much about hockey, but at least I know that the objective of the game is to score goals...into the OTHER team's net, not your OWN!!!!!!! It ain't quantum physics, bub!

WOW. That is PATHETIC.

And look at the Capitals' goalie's reaction, and Alex Ovechkin's. That's priceless. I bet they're all thinking the same thing. "WHAT A DUMBASS."

UCLA, T-Mac, and Weird Commercial

2008-03-09T13:21:00.008-04:00

An incredible finish in the California-UCLA game yesterday. With 1.5 seconds left, UCLA's Josh Shipp made a RIDONKULUS shot, floating it up from BEHIND THE BACKBOARD to give UCLA the lead, which they held on to win 81-80. Too bad it shouldn't have counted...NCAA rules say that if the ball goes up behind the backboard it should automatically be ruled out of bounds. But UCLA gets away with it again, just like a few nights ago against Stanford when Darren Collison's shot was blocked late in the game but the ref inexplicably called a foul. Anyway, there were TWO controversial calls in the last 30 seconds of this game, with a questionable out of bounds on Cal call and the behind the backboard circus heave. You can watch the last 30 seconds here. After Love nailed the double clutch 3, Cal inbounds it, and UCLA goes for the steal...but to me it looks pretty clear: UCLA touched the ball last before it went out of bounds! Dude. I can't believe you missed that call, ref.

So UCLA escapes again. After these last two games, Pauley Pavilion might want to consider handing out free defibrillators to UCLA fans.

In other news, UNC beats Duke at Cameron Indoor 76-68, and Danny Green completely DISCOMBOBULATES Greg Paulus with this monster dunk.

So with UNC's win over Duke, here are my top 4 teams that have the best chance of winning the NCAA Championship: UNC, Memphis, UCLA, and Texas. Other darkhorses to watch out for: Wisconsin, G'town, and Xavier.

When T-Mac is healthy and actually tries, he's a pretty damn good player.

In the NBA, the Rockets win AGAIN. Now they're at 18 straight wins, after beating the Hornets last night. Looks like this team is proving its critics, including myself, wrong that they can't win without Yao. T-Mac has really picked up the slack, punching in 41 last night. When T-Mac is healthy and actually plays like he cares, he's right up there with Kobe and LeBron as one of the most dangerous playmakers in the NBA today. If T-Mac can keep playing this well, the Rockets will definitely keep this hot streak rolling throughout the rest of the season and deep into the postseason. Also...they play the Lakers next weekend, and with a soft schedule coming up this week, they could be at 21 straight wins until the showdown at the Lone Star State next week. Should be exciting to watch.

BEIJING OLYMPICS UPDATE

The Chinese government says they thwarted a terrorist attack on the Olympics this week originating from an Islamic separatist group in the remote northwest province of Xinjiang...never thought those people were crazy enough to do this kind of shit. After all, terrorism never was a real big issue in China.

But what I really want to talk about here is this funky commercial that was recently taken off the air in China. Here, read all about it . Hengyuanxiang, one of the leading wool manufacturers in China and a sponsor of the Beijing Olympics, has launched this bizarre ad campaign involving 12 very, very cute animals of the Chinese zodiac bouncing around the screen with a girlish voice squeaking: "cow, cow, cow" or "pig, pig, pig" as they move across the screen. Watch the full commercial here.

And in between each animal entrance, the male voiceover repeats the same words over and over again, emphasizing the name of the brand..."Heng Yuan Xiang. Beijing Olympics Sponsor. [cow cow cow] Heng Yuan Xiang, Beijing Olympics Sponsor. [horse horse horse]" And so on. Dude. We GET THE IDEA.

Oh yeah and who can forget the annoying background music plays throughout the entire fuckin' commercial. And other than the random animals all we see during the entire commercial is a blank white screen with the Olympics and Hengyuanxiang sponsorship logos in the middle, with the same annoying background music the entire fuckin' commercial!!!!!! Talk about low-budget...

Heng Yuan Xiang. Just seeing those three characters makes me want to vomit.

It's over a minute long and I'm convinced that if you watch this ad on a continuous loop for at least ten minutes, you will start going insane in the membrane. Ugh. Just hearing that annoying voice going Heng Yuang Xiang 12 times during this commercial is just unbearable. Open Mouth. Insert Fermented Tofu Casserole. Vomit. I think one guy summed it up best after watching this commercial: "Has my television been infected with a virus???"

But even I have to say...the animals are pretty cute. Is it a clever advertisement? Yes, and no. No because that guy who keeps on repeating the same shit over and over again with the mind-numbing musical accompaniment is driving me bonkers. On the other hand, Yes because you know what they always say: repetition is the key to good advertising. Just beat the consumer over his head with your product name and he'll buy it. And people are talking about it, that's always good, isn't it? Who knows, next time I go to China, if I'm looking for woolen products I know I'll buy Hengyuanxiang because of this ridiculous commercial. Who knows, maybe this will be considered in those hilarious commercial compilation shows that always air on TBS. Because this is downright hilarious. In a messed up sort of way.

Memo to the CIA: this commercial could be a less controversial alternative to waterboarding...either that or showing terrorists episodes of Laguna Beach on a continuous loop.

-Carson
3/9/08

Bulls-Celtics, Suns, Liriano, and Tapeworms

2008-03-08T14:18:00.008-05:00

THANK YOU, Sao Paolantonio. Big props to this guy for breaking from the general media perception of Brett Favre to expose the big choker that he was in big games since the Packers lost to the Broncos in Super Bowl XXXII. READ THIS.

When you have as many cameos in Ben Stiller comedies as Super Bowl rings...sorry, you can't be considered an all-time great quarterback.

Favre definitely peaked in the '97-'01 seasons, when the Packers were consistent playoff and Super Bowl contenders. But he's only won 1 Super Bowl and has choked in quite a few playoff games for the Packers in recent memory. Paolantonio makes a good point: you can't even say Favre was the best QB in PACKERS history because of his ineptitude in the second half of his career. He's a Hall of Famer, but he's still vastly overrated. And he's practically immune from media criticism.

Did anyone watch the Bulls-Celtics game last night? If so...you are probably laughing your asses off and how pathetic the Bulls were in this game. It was a 20+ point blowout for the Celtics, I believe. I didn't expect for them to win, but wow...it was just so pathetic that even I had to laugh. Bad defense...poor ball-handling...terrible hustle...ridiculous shot selection...they were just pathetic in every facet of the game, so much that someone (can't remember who it was) went up to take a shot on the baseline and it went off the side of the backboard. Open mouth, insert durian casserole, then puke in paper bag.

Bulls games are still fun to watch though. See Joakim Noah bumble his way up and down the court, making horrific passes and shooting with a two-handed stroke similar to Li'l Bow Wow's. See Drew Gooden's beard. Props to ESPN, by the way, for featuring the beard and other famous facial hair in a special segment during the game. Well, that's enough Bulls bitching for now. I just had to mention it because I had quite a few laughs and "what the hell is going on?" shrieks after watching the first half of the game. The Bulls are such a ridiculous team.

Speaking of NBA ineptitude...how about the Suns. They suck. They're 3-6 since they acquired "the Big Cactus" and dropped from #1 to #6 in the wild Western conference. I think Steve Kerr said something like, "if this works I'm a genius and if it doesn't then I'm an idiot." No shit.

The Big Cactus has been, as expected, a big bust for Phoenix.

And now I think I'm in a position to say: Dude. You're an idiot. I joined the general consensus in my railing against the Suns for trading Shawn "The Matrix" Marion for Shaq and it looks like we were right. Shaq has actually made the Suns worse. Face it, he just doesn't fit into their offensive system. He slows down their offense. And this 3-6 record since the acquisition proves just that.

Fantasy baseball owners are salivating at the prospects of Francisco Liriano's return to the Twins rotation.

A couple of MLB comments. Francisco Liriano is back! Fantasy owners, pay attention, because this guy was RIDONKULUS before he blew out his elbow in '06. I should know, I grabbed this guy out of free agency back in April '06 and waited patiently as he emerged as an absolute monster, with a 2.16 ERA and a WHIP in the 0.90s. Then he got hurt. But still, I am a HUGE fan of Francisco Liriano, due to his services to my fantasy team that year, probably the greatest collection of players I assembled in my short-lived fantasy career. Watch for Liriano to have a solid year in '08, and then emerge as an elite starting pitcher in the next few years. This guy is just insane, his stuff is UNHITTABLE. If the Twins didn't deal Garza and Santana away in the offseason, just imagine how scary their rotation could be in a few years. Anyway, I'm rooting for Liriano and I expect him to gradually return to his '06 form.

Jason Giambi, one of the many victims of the deadly Japanese Intestinal Tapeworms

Only 17 days until Opening Day...in Japan. Red Sox and A's have a 2-game set in Tokyo. Last time a MLB team played in Japan, it was the Yankees and Devil Rays; the entire Yankee team left the country stricken by some kind of stomach flu, and Jason Giambi took home a very special souvenir: an intestinal parasite, more specifically a tapeworm. Ouch. There must have been some very unpleasant visits to the john for Mr. Giambi that summer. So memo to all the "chunky in the trunk" players on the Red Sox and A's (I'm talking about you, Big Papi): be careful what you eat over there, some of the sushi and sashimi and sushami and fugushimi or whatever the fuck you the Japanese serve over there might have a deadly tapeworm in it. You might want to bring the Pepto-Bismol.

-Carson
3/8/08

Warren Sapp, Roger Goodell, and Bucknell Buzzer Beater

2008-03-07T14:09:00.004-05:00

Okay, YOU NEED TO SEE THIS. Navy vs. Bucknell, Patriot League Tournament...Navy takes a two-point lead in Triple-Overtime. Bucknell's John Griffin brings up the court...and NAILS A HALFCOURT SHOT TO WIN IT!!!!!!!! Gotta love the WBAL play-by-play guy screaming with joy.

"BIN...GOOOOO! BIN...GOOOOO!!!!!!!! IF YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME....BIN-GOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

So Brett Favre held a press conference yesterday and did his best Hillary Clinton impersonation while announcing his retirement. Yeah, whatever, we've seen/heard enough and it's time to move on. Please. And lost in all this is the retirement of the loquacious one, former Tampa Bay defensive lineman Warren Sapp, best known for his rotund physique, his heated rivalry with Favre, and his brilliant Beyonce impersonation by doing the pogo stick dance after catching his first career TD pass a few years back. Dare I say...best touchdown dance ever??? Probably right up there with the Dirty Bird.

The self-proclaimed "QB Killa" is officially retired.

Instead of going on TV and launching the water works, Mr. Sapp chose to let everyone know of his retirement with two simple words on his website, www.qbkilla.com: "I'm Done!" Hell of a lot more badass way to announce his retirement than how Favre did it, in my opinion.

WEEKLY SPYGATE UPDATE

Roger Goodell, how pathetic can you get? In his latest effort to save face after the Spygate clusterfuck, he proposes a plan that would crack down on cheating offenses. Dude. Too little, too late. And before you start thinking about the future, how about you start thinking about the past and how you clean this shit up? How about you start telling the truth about the extent of the Patriots' cheating? Because that's the only way this story will go away, Mr. Goodell, only if you tell us what really happened instead of destroying incriminating videotapes and covering all this up. Your handling of Spygate so far has been a complete joke. You want to crack down on cheating from here on out, fine. But by doing that, you'll have to address the Spygate issue. That's the first step to repairing the integrity of the league. And so far, you've failed, Mr. Goodell. Instead of being upfront about Spygate, you decided to cover it up.

As a fan of a team that lost to the Cheatriots in the Super Bowl, I want some answers, goddammit. We want answers, and we want justice. And so far, Mr. Goodell has shown no interest in fulfilling either of our wishes. Every NFL fan should be outraged, particularly Ram, Panther, and Eagle fans at the irresponsibility of our NFL Commissioner in the wake of all this. I have all but 3 more words for you, Mr. Goodell. SHAME. ON. YOU. Roger Goodell. Shame on you.

-Carson
3/7/08

Role Players, Arachnophobia, and Twisted Testicles

2008-03-06T10:30:00.013-05:00

This is hardly breaking news, since it happened four days ago, but this so bizarre that I have to mention it. The Cubs have had quite an interesting Spring Training experience this year...with all kinds of whacko injuries. First Mark DeRosa goes down with the irregular heartbeat...then minor leaguer Jose Ascanio (acquired in the Will Ohman trade to Atlanta) goes down with a "bruised face" suffered in an armed robbery attempt (ouch!)...backup outfielder Daryle Ward has a "strained gluteus muscle," in other words a sore ass (no surprise, after all, he is a little chunky in the trunk)...and now we have the motherload of all weird injuries this year: our centerfielder is out day-to-day...with a TWISTED TESTICLE. I don't even want to know how he injured it. If you don't believe me, check this injury report from the Cubs website that lists all the funky afflictions of Cubs players this Spring. At least Soriano got hurt in a baseball related injury. And then you have all the weird shit like bruised faces and twisted testicles.

Dude. A twisted testicle??? You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.

We all know that baseball players are often susceptible to funky injuries. But for some reason, this always happens to the Cubs. Here's a top 5 list of all the weirdest, craziest shit that Cubs players have suffered from.

5. Kerry Wood's hot tub incident. Embarrassing.

4. Carlos Zambrano suffers a strained shoulder...after emailing his brother too many times. Huh.

3. Felix Pie's twisted testicle. Dude. How the hell do you twist a testicle? Don't answer that. I don't want to know.

2. Sammy Sosa injures his back...SNEEZING.

The most famous arachnophobe in baseball history: Glenallen Hill. Badass haircut, by the way.

1. Glenallen Hill's arachnophobia. Okay, he wasn't with the Cubs when this happened but I just had to put this on the list. Glenallen Hill, AKA the dude who hit the homerun ball onto the roof of a building across Waveland Avenue who also happened to be listed on the Mitchell Report, fell into a glass table after having a nightmare about spiders. Wow. Just wow. I'm speechless.

We all know the Cubs have the worst luck out of any professional sports team in this country, and these freaky injuries just take things to another level. Still, I have to say that I'm proud to be a Cubs fans, no matter how many bruised faces, sore asscheeks, twisted testicles, or other fucked up afflictions that this team has to suffer through.

Moving on to the NBA. The Celtics clinched a playoff birth last night with a win over the Pistons. I hinted in yesterday's entry what I think the key to the Celtics success is: role players. The key to establishing a successful NBA team is your role players. Guys who do what they are meant to do, nothing more, nothing less. Sure, having All-Star talent like KG, Allen, and Pierce is nice, but you need the role players, guys who specialize in one area, whether it's shot blocking, rebounding, defense prowess, or 3-ballin'. That's how the Bulls and Spurs were able to establish winning franchises: a good, deep rotation that has many solid specialists in addition to their top performers like Jordan, Pippen, Duncan, Robinson, Ginobili, etc etc. And this year, we see the Celtics and Rockets using role players to their advantage.

Guys like Rajon Rondo have been crucial to the Celtics' success this year.

In addition to the Big 3, the Celtics have had superb years from guys like Rajon Rondo, Glen Davis, James Posey, Eddie House and Kendrick Perkins. These guys aren't household names, but they are key to this team's success. Same with the Rockets, now winners of 16 straight. Sure you have T-Mac, but he's complemented by defensive stalwarts like Shane Battier, young, high energy forwards like Chuck Hayes, Luis Scola, and Carl Landry, and 3-ballers like Luther Head.

Shane Battier's veteran leadership and defensive prowess is another key to the Rockets' recent success

Just having a "big 3" isn't enough. Look at the New Jersey Nets the last few seasons. They had a big 3 of J-Kidd, Vince Carter, and Richard Jefferson. But their supporting cast wasn't strong enough to help them become an elite team. Having a solid starting 5 isn't enough. You need guys who can come off the bench and do what they specialize in on a consistent basis. They may not be household names or All-Stars, but they are crucial elements of building a good basketball team. Success in the NBA requires balance and specialization, and that's why the Celtics and Rockets are getting it done this year.

-Carson
3/7/08

Spurs, Randy Moss, Michael Phelps, and the '08 Olympics

2008-03-05T19:06:00.004-05:00

Damn ESPN. Everything that channel has offered for the past 24 hours was Brett Favre this, Brett Favre that. DUDE. We get the idea. Brett Favre was a "great quarterback." The Cheeseheads up in Wisconsin are mighty depressed and setting up candlelight vigils or what have you outside Lambeau Field, while Bears fans across Chicago are howling with delight and lighting their Favre effigies on fire for one last time. Please, ESPN. Move on to something else, you're boring us. Just like with your inane and trivial "Who's Now?" and "Greatest Highlight" segments.

I guess I should give ESPN the benefit of the doubt...there's nothing else noteworthy in the sports world that happened in the last 24 hours. March Madness needs to get here...FAST.

I suppose the NBA should be the topic of discussion today. Dirk Nowitzki got suspended for this vicious foul on Andrei Kirilenko. OUCH! That's gotta hurt for Kirilenko, he basically got CLOTHESLINED. Meanwhile, the Spurs won their 10th straight game and are right up there with the Lakers as the best in the West. Here we go again. The Spurs could be on their way to yet ANOTHER NBA title. They are by far the most underappreciated team in the league. Sure, they don't have guys on their team who host SNL, or a star who cheats on his hot wife on another hot girl only to have her file rape charges against you, or a big man who stars in ridiculous family films that involve magic genies, etc etc.

Faces of the San Antonio Spurs: the boring but efficient Duncan, the underappreciated but scrappy Ginobili, the Frenchie but elusive Parker, and the "desperate" but ridonkulusly hot Longoria-Parker.

They have Tim Duncan. The blandest NBA star EVER. Tim Duncan. The name just has an aura of blandness. Just looking at him makes you want to yawn. Manu Ginobili...he's a rockstar in Argentina but here, no one really knows about him, making him one of the most underrated players in the league. The only glitz this team has is Eva Longoria. Yes, this time it is the actual Desperate Housewives star, not the Tampa Bay Rays third baseman. Eva Longoria-Parker, the wife of sharp shooting point guard Tony Parker, probably the hottest "celebrity NBA fan" in the league. Unfortunately, she still gets overshadowed by other high-profile aficionados like Jack Nicholson for the Lakers and Spike Lee for the Knicks. And unlike Jessica Simpson for the Cowboys, she actually HELPS the team instead of being a distraction.

With a big 3 just as if not more talented than the other "big 3" up in Boston, the Spurs should make another run at a 4th NBA title in this decade. If they do so, they have to be considered a DYNASTY. No, not a dynasty* like the Patriots, but a TRUE dynasty. And somehow, they'll still manage to maintain their reputation as the most underappreciated, overlooked team in the NBA. But I've learned to never, ever count the San Antonio Spurs out come playoff time. With a team this good, this experienced, this battle-tested, and this determined, there's no reason to think why they won't do it again this year. That's why I've realized the error of my ways, prompting me to reevaluate my Western conference power rankings.

So here's what the wild and wacky West looks like at this point, from my perspective.

1. SPURS. After 10 straight wins, and with Parker back healthy, this team looks better than ever.
2. LAKERS. They're not as deep as the Spurs, but playing just as well right now.
3. JAZZ. Here come the Jazz. Speaking of under the radar, the Jazz are quietly picking up steam, and could be a dark horse to go all the way to the Finals.
4. ROCKETS. Still playing remarkably well without Yao. And resident badass Dikembe Mutombo is showing some skills, swatting balls away, and wagging his index fingers and shit.
5. HORNETS. Too inexperienced, but the talent is there.

Suns and Mavericks can't be considered among the elite anymore. The acquisition of "The Big Cactus" has been a BUST so far, as I predicted. As for the Mavs, let's say I might've been a little premature in suggesting that the J-Kidd trade was a boon. The loss of defensive stalwart DeSagana Diop may have hurt them more than they expected.

In the East, I'll still go with this order.

1. CELTICS. Still going strong. The reason why they're the best team in the league is that young players other than the Big 3, like Rajon Rondo and Big Baby Davis, have stepped up their game this year. And by adding veterans like Cassell and PJ Brown, they add to an already deep roster.

2. PISTONS
3. MAGIC
4. CAVALIERS
5. RAPTORS

Big game tonight between the Pistons and Celtics. Celtics can clinch a playoff berth with a win tonight.

The Patriots re-signed their top WR...WEED receiver that is...to a 3-year deal.

So the Patriots re-signed Randy Moss. BIG WHOOP. Watch, he'll be suspended for the season after they catch him getting high on the green shit with Kevin Faulk. And remember he's got that sexual assault shit hanging over him. This criminal needs to be locked behind bars ASAP. The Patriots still have huge holes all over their roster. Their O-line got their asses spanked by the Giants in the Super Bowl...their linebackers are old and senile...they lost their entire secondary to free agency. Not to mention a possible criminal investigation due to Spygate. Speaking of Spygate...no updates to report this week...yet.

Basically, yeah, uh...this team is fucked.

COUNTDOWN TO THE BEIJING GAMES

2008 is a very special year in my life. The world's greatest sporting event has arrived...in my original hometown of Beijing, China. Unfortunately, I won't have the opportunity to witness the games in Beijing this year, but I'm still looking forward to the Olympics and NBC's dramatic musical montage. The last time I was in Beijing, back in 2006, the city was in Olympics fever. I could only imagine what it's like today. New developments: The Olympic Village is completed. Initial thoughts: hey that just looks like an ordinary Beijing highrise apartment building! Well, at least from the outside. The inside is much nicer. And the bathrooms I'm sure aren't as disgusting as those that I've seen, presumably with fully functional showers!!!! And they better provide the athletes with some extra high-quality toilet paper and some Chinese traditional medicine, because chances are they'll be having some digestion and diarrhea problems. This is China, bitch! If you come here and you don't suffer massive diarrhea, then you haven't seen the real China!

The bizarre Bird's Nest Olympic Stadium in Beijing

The "Bird's Nest" Olympic Stadium on the north side of town should be completed in the next month. I've seen construction of the stadium first hand. Initially, I was repulsed by it, but now I've learned to accept it. Still, it is a freak of nature...or should I say human engineering. This has to be the weirdest looking sporting complex I've ever seen. Olympic Stadium in Montreal was certainly a little funky but at least it looked cool. What the hell is this? I'll be visiting Beijing in May, and I can report on how their "blue-sky" campaign is going. Hopefully well, because I'd like to see a clear, blue summer day in Beijing once in a while instead of the muggy, smoggy, polluted shit that I have to see on a daily basis.

As for the games...it looks like everybody's looking forward to seeing star swimmer and University of Michigan kinesiology major Michael Phelps make his run towards Olympic immortality. And can Team USA basketball finally win the gold at the Olympics again? Plenty of interesting stuff. Now of course there's been a lot of controversy over the Olympics over human rights and politics or whatever. Who gives a flying fuck? That's politics. This is SPORTS. No, not just sports, this is the OLYMPICS. A chance for the world to come together, not split apart. Let's just let the people of China and the athletes from all over the world enjoy this once in a lifetime event, without having to deal with political distractions. You got a problem? Take it up with the UN. Just make sure your dissatisfaction with the Chinese government doesn't affect our enjoyment of these much anticipated Olympic games on August 8th, 2008.

-Carson
3/5/08

Brett Favre retires, Kobe/LeBron, and Kansas

2008-03-04T10:15:00.004-05:00

Congratulations, AARON RODGERS!!!!! You are FINALLY the starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. Hopefully it's not too late. What are you, 30 now? Still plenty of time to establish yourself as an elite QB in the NFL...

Today is probably one of the happiest days of perennial Packers backup QB Aaron Rodgers' life.

After 17 seasons in the NFL, Brett Favre reportedly has retired from the Packers, after breaking all kinds of records. Unfortunately for Favre, it ended with a whimper, on an errant pass in OT during the NFC Championship against the Giants that cost the Packers a trip to the Super Bowl. Here's how I feel about Mr. Favre. His talent is vastly overrated, and this is why. People point to his career statistics, claiming that he's the all-time leader in passing TDs and whatnot. Well, folks, he also leads all NFL quarterbacks in career INTs. The point is that Favre's talent was good, but he's certainly not the most talented and accomplished QB of all-time.

Sorry, Mr. Favre, but you certainly are NOT one of the best QBs of all-time.

You can make the argument that he's one of the toughest QBs of all-time...after all he started 200+ games at quarterback. He's the Cal Ripken of the NFL. But to say that he's the best QB ever is ridiculous. Joe Montana was better. Troy Aikman was better. John Elway may even be better. Favre won just one Super Bowl, and that's just not enough to crown him as the greatest QB ever. And for every great accomplishment that he's had, he's also blown it quite a few times in the playoffs. The OT interception against the Giants. The 6 INTs in the divisional playoffs against the Rams. The floating duck INT in OT against the Eagles, in the 4th and 26 game. These are the kind of mistakes in big games that the "greatest QB of all-time," and especially for someone who supposedly always delivers in the clutch, shouldn't make. Mr. Favre will be a Hall of Famer, without a doubt, but he doesn't deserve to be mentioned as the greatest of all-time at his position.

Who cares about Kobe? LeBron is the shit.

In the NBA, after recent ridonkulus performances from Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, the debates on who should be the MVP and who would you rather have on your team today are revived. So who should be MVP? Kobe or LeBron? For me, the choice is easy. LEBRON. The reason the Lakers have one of the best records in the league this year is because of Kobe's supporting cast. They have been unbeatable since they acquired Pau Gasol, and when Andrew Bynum comes back, this team will get even better. If you take Kobe out of that lineup, you could still make the argument that the Lakers can be reasonably competitive. But if you take LeBron out of the Cavs lineup...oh dear, they are fucked. The Cavs team, aside from the 3-point shooting freak of nature that is Daniel Gibson, is nothing but a bunch of clueless bums who just stand around watching LeBron work his magic. Without LeBron, this team is one of the worst in the league. But with LeBron, JACKPOT, they're the 4-seed in the East. That's how valuable LeBron is to the Cavs. That's why he should win the MVP this year. Plus, he has a better all-around game than Kobe. And who would I rather have on my team today? Obviously LeBron, he's younger than Kobe, and he still hasn't reached his peak yet. And besides, unlike Kobe, LeBron won't have the uncontrollable urge to throw filthy, sweatstained towels at innocent bystanders on his own home court. Yakass...

This year, I won't be bamboozled by the Kansas Jayhawk mystique: they are destined to implode in the Big Dance, like they do every year.

Finally in college hoops...looks like we know who's the best team in the Big 12 now. It was down to Texas and Kansas. Texas was upset by Texas Tech this weekend, and the Red Raiders went up to Lawrence to take on Kansas last night. Holy shit, talk about a BEATDOWN!!!!!! Kansas wins by 58. FIFTY-EIGHT! CINCO OCHO! 58 POINTS!!!!!! Talk about embarrassing. Final score: Kansas 109, Texas Tech 51. Wow. Once again, the temptation to pick Kansas to win the NCAA title for a third straight year in my bracket is overwhelming. I mean, crushing Texas Tech by 58 is pretty damn impressive. I'll have to try my best not to resist. I can't afford to suffer another outrageous loss like a 1st round collapse against another Bucknell. No more of this unhealthy obsession with the Jayhawks come NCAA Tournament time...because I just know that if I pick them to win it again, my bracket's going to wind up in the same place that it has been to for the last five years. In the SHREDDER.

-Carson
3/4/08

2008 National League Preview, Lakers, and Jason Marquis

2008-03-03T13:10:00.008-05:00

So yesterday we had the American League preview, and today let's talk National League.

In the National League East, the Mets are looking to avenge their late season collapse in '07, and with the acquisition of Johan Santana, this team appears to be in a damn good position to do so. Don't count out the Atlanta Braves, though. Even with the loss of Andruw Jones, the heart of their order is pretty scary: Chipper, Teixeira, and Francoeur, who I think will have a breakout year. Watch for the Braves to be a potential surprise team in this division. The Phillies have a solid lineup, but you have to worry about that bullpen. Brad Lidge is just not that good and he ain't gonna get it done. I don't think the Phillies will repeat this year.

Projected NL East order of finish: 1. Mets 2. Braves 3. Phillies 4. Nats 5. Marlins

The Mets still have the most balanced team in the division, and with the most talent. They'll get it done this year.

Is "Kos-K" gonna help the Cubs win back-to-back division crowns for the first time since...forever???

In the National League Central, the Cubs, Astros, and Brewers made some key acquisitions in the offseason, but this division is still the weakest in baseball. The Cubs, even though they're coming off a division crown, have holes in CF, SS, back of the rotation, left-handed bats, left-handed relievers, and possibly at 2B if DeRosa has issues with his heart condition. And Kosuke Fukudome is an unknown right now. The Brewers...they have an incredible lineup with big time contributers like Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun in the middle and the vastly underrated Corey Hart leading off, but watch for Rickie Weeks to surprise a lot of people this year. He finally started playing to his potential last September for Milwaukee. Their bullpen still has major issues, and I don't think Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota, or Salomon Torres will solve those issues.

Projected NL Central Order of Finish: 1. Cubs 2. Brewers 3. Reds 4. Cardinals 5. Astros 6. Pirates

Actually, I almost picked the Brewers to win the NL Central, over my beloved Cubbies. Then I realized that I'm an idiot because their bullpen flat out sucks. Their solid lineup though will make this a very competitive race in the Central, as both the Cubs and Brewers have major issues they need to address. If one of the Cubs' big 3 in the rotation (Big Z, Lilly, Hill) goes down to injury, they're fucked. Don't expect bums like Lieber, Marquis, or Dempster to save the day. The Cubs though have a solid bullpen, and as long as none of their big time performers goes down with a devastating injury, they should be able to pull it off...barely.

The Reds have some young talent, and could hover around .500 this year. The Cardinals won't be competing for the division crown this year (not enough pitching) but they won't be as awful as the Astros or Pirates. Astros...I can't name a single starting pitcher they have other than Oswalt. Pirates...yeah, they're pathetic.

The National League West is stacked with good teams. The Rockies may have been able to ride an unprecedented hot streak to the World Series last year, but face it...they probably didn't deserve to be there, after getting their asses squished into their faces by the Red Sox. I don't think the Rockies will be as good this year. Once again, I don't think their starting pitching is good enough for them to overcome teams like the Dodgers, Padres, or D'backs.

Projected NL West order of finish: 1. D'backs 2. Dodgers 3. Padres 4. Rockies 5. Giants

With Haren, Arizona has the best rotation in baseball now, and that will help 'em win their 2nd straight division title.

The Giants will be the worst team in baseball this year. BOOK IT. And the D'backs, well they have some great young hitters in Stephen Drew, Chris Young, and Conor Jackson and I think they'll get it done again this year. Adding Danny Haren to that loaded rotation doesn't hurt either. And watch, Joe Torre will find a way to make the Dodgers competitive again this year.

Projected Player Awards
MVP: Prince Fielder
Cy Young: Johan Santana
Manager: Joe Torre
Rookie: Geovany Soto

Projected NL Playoffs order of finish
Mets over Dodgers; D'backs over Cubs
Mets over D'backs

Projected World Series Champion
METS over Red Sox

Wally and Mr. Met will be ecstatic this October: I'm sensing a Red Sox-Mets Fall Classic

Yes, I'm picking the New York Mets to win the World Series this year, simply because they have, well, the best team in baseball, talent-wise. They have studs on offense like Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran, and David Wright. They have a stud in their rotation, Johan Santana, followed by other solid contributers like the underrated John Maine, Oliver Perez, and (if he can return to at least part of his pre-injury form) Pedro Martinez, with a decent bullpen. The Mets were the best team in the National League for most of '07 before their shocking September collapse. But I think this team is determined to put that experience behind them and use it as motivation to destroy the competition this year. And it doesn't hurt to have the best pitcher in baseball, Johan Santana either. So there you have it: the New York Mets are officially the Sport Rant's preseason pick to win the 2008 World Series title.

CUBS RANT

Jason Marquis wants to be traded. HALLELUJAH!

Sticking to baseball now...I want to take some time to address the chaos going on at Cubs camp in Mesa involving the prickwad that is Jason Marquis. In this weeks episode, we have "The Marquis Ultimatum:" he basically sees either put him in the rotation or ship him elsewhere. I, for one, would gladly take the latter. Apparently Lou Piniella criticized Marquis for saying shit like that, and to be honest, I don't really give a damn. In fact, if Jason Marquis doesn't want to be in Chicago, then I say: "HALLELUJAH," bitches!!!!! The fact is, Mr. Marquis...YOU SUCK. You had an ERA of over 6.00 in the last 3 months of the season. What the fuck was Jim Hendry thinking when he signed this ignoramus last winter??? He had the WORST ERA in baseball in '06! The WORST! So basically you signed the WORST starting pitcher in baseball to a $3 million multi-year deal. Sorry, Jim Hendry, but you are a complete IDIOT. That could be the worst GM decision you've ever made, right next to your inexplicable decision to trade Scott Moore and Rocky Cherry to the Orioles for Trachsel. Marquis was nothing but bad news. You want to know how you can clean up this clusterfuck at Cubs camp, Mr. Hendry? Give Marquis what he wants. TRADE HIM. NOW. I don't want to experience any more 1 and 2/3 IP, 6 ER performances from this anushole.

Looks like Kobe made the right call by staying in L.A.: The Lakers have proven that they are the best team in the NBA this season.

Moving on to the NBA. Not much to discuss, but just a few notable accomplishments I want to mention. Rockets win their 15th straight against the Nuggets, tying a team record. Meanwhile, the Lakers win again, this time in overtime over the Mavericks. Kobe was insane. 52 points, 30 in the 4th quarter and OT. I watched the OT period, and the Mavs had several chances to tie the game. J-Kidd had a 3-point play attempt to tie up the game at 105 but he bricked the free throw. And after two Kobe free throws, the Mavs had another chance to tie it with 5 seconds left. Nowitzki had an open look for three. AIR BALL. Lakers win 108-104.

I hate Kobe, I think he's one of the biggest self-absorbed pricks in the entire sports world, but wow, he had a ridonkulus performance yesterday, especially when you consider that he's playing with his fractured pinkie. 52 points, 30 in the last 17 minutes!!!!! How far have we gone from the beginning of the NBA season...Kobe wanted a trade from the Lakers to the Bulls, and now the Bulls are downright pathetic and the Lakers have become once again the best team in the NBA. Crazy.

-Carson
3/3/08

2008 American League Season Preview and NFL Free Agents

2008-03-02T15:36:00.005-05:00

Baseball season is looming, and now is an appropriate time to make my pre-season prognostications.

Let's start with the American League, filled with plenty of talented teams, particularly in the perennial premier division, the AL East.

If Halladay and Burnett can stay healthy for the Jays, then they might make a surprise run at the AL East crown this year.

In the AL East, we have our usual contenders with the Red Sox and the Yankees, but watch out for the fast rising Blue Jays and Rays. The Blue Jays are deep with their starting pitching, and if their two top starters in Halladay and Burnett can stay healthy, they'll be strong this season, especially with young arms like Marcum and McGowan backing them up. The Rays have a talented lineup and a promising rotation, which I profiled last week--they'll be much improved this year. And the Orioles...are rebuilding. Dude. Make a goddamn decision on the Brian Roberts proposed trade to the Cubs already. It's been THREE MONTHS!!!!!!

Projected AL East order of finish: 1. Red Sox 2. Yankees 3. Blue Jays 4. Rays 5. Orioles
The Red Sox are still the most complete team in the division, that's why they'll come out on top. The Yankees still have one of the best lineups in baseball and a pitching staff with plenty of upside so they'll be right with them. In any other division, the Blue Jays and Rays might be competing for first but alas, this is the AL "BEast."

Justin Verlander will have a MONSTER season this year for the Tigers.

In the AL Central, the Tigers had the best offseason in baseball, acquiring Miggy Cabrera, the D-Train, Edgar Renteria, and Jacque Jones. That lineup is downright scary. Their pitching is ok...watch for Verlander to have a Cy Young caliber year. Bonderman...what the hell happened to this guy? He posted an ERA of over 7.00 after the break last year. Willis...he needs to be the guy with electric stuff that we saw a few years ago, not the overrated bum we saw last year. Pathetic. So yeah, the pitching, especially their 'pen, might be a little suspect, but I like the Tigers to pull it off here.

Projected AL Central order of finish: 1. Tigers 2. Indians 3. Twins 4. White Sox 5. Royals

And don't count the Twins out either. They may have lost Santana but if Liriano can recover fully and return to his '06 form, watch out.

In the AL West...sorry, Mariners, but just getting Bedard won't get you past the Angels. L.A. restocked by giving Torii Hunter a gargantuan contract, and they're on paper the most talented team in the division. If the Lackey sore elbow thing ain't serious, Angels will win another AL West crown...and probably blow it in the playoffs again.

Projected AL West order of finish: 1. Angels 2. Mariners 3. A's 4. Rangers

Projected Player Awards
MVP: A-Rod
Cy Young: Justin Verlander
Manager of the Year: Jim Leyland
Rookie of the Year: Jacoby Ellsbury (was gonna pick Joba Chamberlain, but I wasn't sure if he qualifies anymore)

Projected AL Playoffs order of finish:
Divisional Series: Tigers over Yankees, Red Sox over Angels
ALCS: Red Sox over Tigers

Big Papi and the Red Sox might actually be BETTER in '08.

I was going to pick the Tigers at first, but I changed my mind at the last second. The Red Sox are still the best team in the American League, and here's why. They've kept most of their lineup intact from '07, and David Ortiz is now 100%. They're going to have Ellsbury at their disposal for the entire season, and watch out for this kid Clay Buchholz, who threw a no-hitter on the same day as Michigan lost to App State, September 1, 2007. Buchholz is going to have a solid year filling in for Schilling. So the Sox already have the same team from last year, plus some young guys who have lots of upside. It's a no-brainer: they'll win the pennant again this year. And the Tigers' bullpen is too thin and it'll come back to bite 'em in the ass in October.

National League preview and World Series prognostication will come tomorrow, watch out for that.

One more Tigers-related thing. Watch out for this kid named Rick Porcello, a pitcher who was drafted in the 1st round by Detroit last year out of Seton Hall Prep High School in New Jersey. I was reading the Newark Star-Ledger today and Detroit was very impressed with his 6 up, 6 down performance the other day against Toronto. Watch, a couple years down the road, Rick Porcello is gonna be the next pitching phenom for Detroit. BOOK IT. And you heard it here first on the Sports Rant.

NFL FREE AGENT BONANZA!

Moving on to the NFL. A few signings of note yesterday.
-Bears re-signed Lance Briggs
-Browns signed Donte Stallworth
-Vikings signed Bernard Berrian
-Saints signed Randall Gay
-Falcons signed Michael "The Burner" Turner

What an offseason for the Browns. First they lock up their Pro Bowl QB Derek Anderson to a 3-year deal, then they swing a deal for Shaun Rogers, sign some D-lineman from Green Bay (I can't remember his name), and now they pick up Donte Stallworth. The AFC better watch out for Cleveland next year. The front office in the last two seasons has made huge strides into making this team competitive, and it's paying off.

Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper...reunited?

In other news...Randy Moss reportedly has called his former quarterback Daunte Culpepper, proposing a possible reunion at an unknown NFL team. Interesting. Culpepper sucked without Moss in Miami and Oakland, but back in the day in Minnesota, Culpepper to Moss was the most prolific QB-WR combo in the league. Culpepper was a Pro Bowl quarterback, tossing 40+ TD passes out of his ass each year. After Moss was dealt to Oakland...Culpepper was pathetic. Just pathetic. Maybe reuniting them will revive his career, who knows? Where will they wind up? Here are some potential destinations

-San Francisco. If Mike Martz can add Moss alongside Isaac Bruce, that would be insane. Culpepper might suck, but when compared to Alex Smith, it actually doesn't look that bad of an idea.
-Chicago. The Bears lost Berrian, and have a couple of mediocre, unproven QBs in Grossman and Orton. A Culpepper/Moss signing might make sense.
-Atlanta. They desperately need help on offense.
-Minnesota? A possible reunion in the MetroDome? Don't rule it out. They have plenty of cap space and I'm not sold on Tarvaris Jackson. Doesn't mean Culpepper is better than Jackson, but I'm just saying...could be a nice way of going full circle.

Other possible destinations for the Moss/Culpepper reunion: Baltimore, Kansas City, Tampa Bay, New York Jets

MARCH MADNESS UPDATE

Cornell is the first team to head to the Big Dance. Don't forget to pack your TI-89s!!!!

My fellow bracketologists and bracketology majors...Championship Week is coming soon, and we have our first team in the Big Dance: Cornell, the champions of the Ivy League. Congratulations, Cornell, and remember what I said, students. Don't be a smartass and pick the Ivy League team for the upset in the first round! Cornell might be better than a UConn, Purdue, or a Michigan State at calculating the flux and capacitance of a superwidget with their TI-189X ultragraphic calculators but it's a whole different story when you're talking about putting a spherical brown ball in a basket. Stick with the solar car competition, Big Red.

There will be more bracketology review sessions to come during and after Championship Week, as we're only less than two weeks away from the March Madness Selection Sunday.

-Carson
3/2/08

Josh Brown, 49ers, and Hank Steinbrenner

2008-03-01T12:37:00.005-05:00

It's official. Like those people in the melodramatic reality shows often say, my world has been turned upside down. What the hell is going on??? First Isaac Bruce leaves town, and signs a contract with the San Francisco 49ers of all teams. Then the Rams sign Josh Fucking Brown to a 5-year contract, the biggest deal for a kicker in NFL history. I don't know what to make of this.

Josh fucking Brown....is a RAM????!!!!!

Only 2 years ago, the 2006 season...the Rams started 4-1, and were facing a critical showdown with division rival Seattle in Week 6. I believe it was a 49-yard field goal attempt by Josh Brown to win the game with :03 left. He misses it, but there's an illegal formation penalty or something on Seattle so they rekick it from 54 yards out and Josh Brown nails it. Game over. Scott "Douchebag" Linehan is pissed. I'm punching a nearby pillow. It SUCKED, especially after the Rams blew a 21-7 lead and a 28-27 lead after the greatest catch I have ever seen from Torry Holt. And then only a few weeks later in the rematch in Seattle, Brown does it again with another 50-yard game winning field goal. Josh Brown was the difference between a 10-6 division title and an 8-8 also-ran season for the Rams in '06. Josh fuckin' Brown. And now he's the placekicker for the St. Louis Rams.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react to this. One of my most hated archenemies in the NFL is now on my favorite team. I guess I should look on the bright side...the prickhole won't ever get the chance to break the Rams' hearts again. Maybe next time he'll turn the tables on the Seahawks with two game winning 50 yard field goals in a season. Still, I'm not sure if I like this guy. He could be a spy working for the Seahawks. There's just something very fishy about this.

Anyway, the 49ers are making another free agent splash this year, going on another spending spree. After plucking Bruce from the Rams, now they grab defensive end Justin Smith from the Bengals. Will it make a difference? I doubt it, because their quarterback still sucks.

I want to make a brief rant about the Bulls last night. They have officially hit ROCK BOTTOM, blowing an 18-point 2nd half lead to lose against the Wizards. Interim coach Jim Boylan was pretty irritated last night, according to reports from his postgame press conference. Now he didn't pull anything Borsethian, so it was a little disappointing. Speaking of Borseth, I can't stop talking about that tirade. The best part was probably the very beginning. The dude comes OUT OF NOWHERE to throw that paper at the podium. What an entrance!!!!!

So before I get off track, yeah...the Bulls are so fucked. What the hell happened to this season. Remember when so many people were predicting the Bulls to win the East back in October? Um...yeah, they were a little bit off.

Like father, like son

Leave it to Hank Steinbrenner to make outrageous statements. Looks like Mother Nature did it's work, he's exactly like the arrogant yakass that was his father in his heyday: making outrageous and brash statements and picking fights with the Red Sox. The latest soundbite...well, it was about semantics. More specifically, on "Red Sox Nation."

"Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of bullshit that is. That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Sox fans. Go anywhere in America and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order."

-Hank Steinbrenner

Yeah. Chew on that. After a few years without any quips or witticisms from the Steinbrenner family, good ol' Hank delivers. This oughta make things more interesting. Steinbrenner also made a bold prediction a few weeks ago, saying that Joe Girardi will be the greatest manager EVER.

As for the Red Sox Nation stuff...let me put my 2 cents into this. Dude. If you're trying to make a point as the Yankees being more popular than the Sawx in America...YOU LOSE! Everywhere I go in America, yes, I see Sox hats and jackets! In Michigan, Florida, New Jersey, even in China!!! Face it: the Red Sox are the most popular MLB team in America. Not the Yankees. There's a hell of a lot more Yankee haters than Yankee fans, I can guarantee you that. But don't take this the wrong way, Mr. Steinbrenner. Keep the insightful comments coming! We need something to talk about every week heading up to Opening Day here on the Sports Rant!

-Carson
3/1/09

NFL Free Agency/Trades, Johan Santana debut, and Isaac Bruce

2008-02-29T18:12:00.006-05:00

Happy Leap Year Day everybody. You don't get many of these in your lifetime so enjoy them while they last.

The NFL free agency period is under way, and today we had a shitload of wheelin' and dealin'. Here's some trades/signings of note.

-Alan Faneca signed with the Jets
-Asante Samuel signed with the Eagles
-Jets traded Jonathan Vilma to the Saints for a late round draft pick.
-Panthers traded Kris Jenkins to the Jets for draft picks
-Lions traded Shaun Rogers to the Browns for Leigh Bodden
-Bills signed Kawika Mitchell

And I think that's all. Overall, big day for the Jets and Saints. The Jets loaded their O and D lines with two Pro Bowl caliber players in Alan Faneca and Kris Jenkins. Why did they trade Vilma though? He's a beast. And the Saints just got a top-tier linebacker in return. But watch for the Jets to get a whole lot better this year, especially if they land Darren McFadden in the draft.

As for the Rams...ugh. Not a pretty start to the offseason.

1. Scott "Douchebag" Linehan is still the fucking head coach.

End of an era in St. Louis; Isaac Bruce's career with the Rams is now over...

2. We cut loose one of the greatest Rams ever, Isaac Bruce. Now I won't get a chance to yell Bruuuuuce every time he gets a first down...and even worse, Martz and the 49ers are looking to sign him. Don't do it, Isaac! Don't go to the damn 49ers! Please! Anyone but the 49ers! Or the Seahawks! Or the Patriots! Or the Cardinals! Or the Packers and Panthers! Anyway, Rams had better get a top WR in free agency or the draft. Javon Walker maybe? Because I sure as hell won't like it if we're starting that bum Drew Bennett as our other WR from day 1. Isaac Bruce may be getting old, but he's still good enough to play another year or two. I expect him playing in the NFL in '08. Unfortunately, not with the Rams.

3. Jeff "Money" Wilkins retired. Noooo!!!! There goes our old reliable kicker. Now this team has yet ANOTHER hole on their roster. So yeah. Not a very auspicious start for the Rams in the offseason...

Moving on now. Johan Santana had his debut for the Mets in the grapefruit league today against the Cardinals. It didn't go so hot. He gave up 3 ER in 2 IP including a home run to...JUAN GONZALEZ!!!! Yes, JUAN GONZALEZ! Holy shit, we have a Juan Gonzalez sighting! Where the hell has this guy been for the last five years? Collecting dragon balls on the distant planet Namek?

Anyway, I'll be posting my official 2008 MLB Season Preview in a few days with full prognostications. Keep your eyes peeled for that.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

This is going to be a recurring segment profiling the most outrageous tirades, press conferences, and soundbites in sports. We had a good one the other day, probably the best since Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy's "I'm a Man! I'm 40!" shoutfest. Michigan woman's basketball head coach Kevin Borseth goes berserk after his team blew an 18-point 2nd half lead in a 69-67 loss vs. Wisconsin. No great soundbites, but he was pretty damn pissed, and great use of props with the sheet of paper and the podium slamming. Good shit. Check it out.

And on this Leap Year Day, I have to say that I'm damn proud to be a Michigan Wolverine because of Mr. Borseth's eloquent oratory.

-Carson
2/29/08

Drunk Cardinals, Duke Mascot, and Manny Ramirez

2008-02-28T18:20:00.005-05:00

So...the St. Louis Cardinals released Scott Spiezio yesterday, after he got in some problems with the law, and from what I hear, it's DUI-related. Spiezio is known most for his Cardinal-red goatee, one of the cleverest facial hair ideas I've seen in a while.

Scott Spiezio and his...freak of nature facial hair.

Anyway, what the hell is wrong with the St. Louis Cardinals??? Dude. That's at least 3 DUI related incidents in a year. First skipper Tony LaRussa gets arrested and booked for DUIing in Florida in last year's Spring Training. Then Josh Hancock tragically dies in a car accident while allegedly being drunk behind the wheel. Now Spiezio is in some deep shit. There's something really funky going on in Cards camp. Anyone who gets behind the wheel intoxicated is a complete MORON. It's stupid enough that you get so wasted that you can't even walk. But to put yourself behind the wheel of a car is as irresponsible as you can get. The St. Louis Cardinals are quickly turning into the Cincinnati Bengals of the MLB. GET IT TOGETHER, dumbasses.

Moving on to college hoops. Weird game between Georgia Tech and Duke last night. There was some dude for Georgia Tech who had a concussion midway through the game...I was watching SportsCenter this morning and the camera showed him almost passing out on the bench, and later on the court when he returned to action. Wish I had the video. But the craziest thing that happened in the game was the Duke mascot blowing out his knee on this stunt. Wow...that sucks. How could you fuck your knee up so bad on a 1-foot jump???

Also, did anyone catch President Bush's one-liner during the Red Sox's White House visit? Here's the video. While I never condone making jokes about people's dead grandmas, I have to confess that I chuckled at it a little. For once, Bush was the one delivering the punchline instead of being it.

Manny Ramirez, a man of many personalities and grandmas.

And Manny Ramirez is quite the ridiculous character. His best (and not-so-finest moment) was probably cutting off a Johnny Damon relay throw a few years ago. I wish I could find a video but I looked everywhere and I couldn't find. Too bad, because it was some hilarious shit. Oh, and this is just downright weird.

And this! I didn't even know they had bathrooms in the Green Monster.

-Carson
2/28/08

More Yao, Tennessee-Vandy, and Kevin Faulk

2008-02-27T20:11:00.003-05:00

Just when you think the Yao ranting is over...I'm not quite finished yet. I just want to respond to people, including my own dad, who are criticizing Yao's priorities: putting his obligations to the Chinese national team ahead of his obligations to the Rockets. Sorry, but people who suggest that Yao should reevaluate his priorities are just too damn ignorant. Yao feels that his duty to his country is important. He is very proud of his country, and he wants to represent his country at the Olympics. But this ain't no ordinary olympics. This is the biggest sporting event this country of over a billion people will ever see. This is an opportunity of a LIFETIME. I'm more excited for the Beijing Olympics than for any sporting event I will ever see. It is a HUGE deal in China, who's had Olympics Fever for the past 7 years. So what's wrong with him caring more about playing for his country than for playing for that extra bonus on his contract extension? Unfortunately, the same can't be said for some of the pathetic, lazy prima donnas who play in the NBA. And anyone who says that Yao is doing this against his wishes and the Chinese government is forcing upon him his Olympic priorities is downright absurd and insulting. Shame on you for suggesting that.

Well, now onto some of the other news of the day. Not much material to talk about, so I'll keep it brief.

So Tennessee's #1 run didn't last so long. This is starting to resemble the crazy college gridiron season when we had a different #1 and a #2 each week. Tennessee lost last night at Vanderbilt, who, surprise surprise, actually has a pretty damn good team.

THE QUEST FOR IMPERFECTION
The New England Patriots' Road to 0-16

Yes, I know that I make myself look like a complete idiot each year picking the Patriots to go 0-16. Nothing was more humiliating than this past season, watching the Patriots cheat their way to an 18-0 record before the Giants saved me from eternal buffoonery. But I have a feeling about 2008. I have a feeling that this is the year that the Patriots make the stunning reversal...they will go 0-16. And from here until NFL season, I will update this recurring segment to present my case on how and why the Patriots will go 0-16. So what clues do we have this week?

Enjoy prison, muthafucka!

-Kevin Faulk arrested for marijuana possession. Dude. You're fucked. Time to throw this yakass into a maximum security prison, bitches!

-Rosevelt Colvin released. The Patriots just lost their best pass rusher, and now their linebacking corps consists of only one good player: Adalius Thomas. Remember Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw embarrassing you guys in the Super Bowl? Well, get used to that next season, folks.

-They're about to lose Randy Moss and Asante Samuel to free agency.

So...so far, not so good this offseason for the Patriots. These will be only the first many of disappoints for them in this upcoming season. Dear Mr. Belichick, you cannot escape the inescapable: 0-16. Fate can be a bitch.

-Carson
2/27/08

Yao Ming, Rams Rant, Barroidzilla, and Debbie Clemens' Boobs

2008-02-26T17:38:00.013-05:00

HOUSTON. We have a problem. In fact, not just Houston. BEIJING. We also have a problem.

YAOUCH!!!!!!! A fractured foot will keep Yao out for at least 5 months.

The poster boy of Chinese athletics...the only famous athlete to come out of 1.6 billion people...the guy who's taller than Muggsy Bogues and Mini Me combined...is out for the season with a broken foot. Not just for out the season, but in all likelihood, out for the OLYMPICS too. These ain't just the Olympics. These are the Beijing Olympics. In my hometown. Where I was born. Now my homeboy Yao might not be able to represent China for these Olympics. Bummer.

Well, I probably should talk about how this affects the Rockets, winners of 12 straight and the hottest team in the NBA...until now. Two words: they're fucked. What did you expect? Do you expect T-Mac to carry this team into the playoffs (they're only the 7-seed in the ridonkulus West right now) with his "I play when I wanna play" Randy Moss-esque attitude? Hell no. Do you think Luis Scola can start putting up 22 and 10 out of the blue to serve as an inside scoring presence? Hell no. Do you think Dikembe Mutombo will actually start collecting more rebounds than Social Security checks? Hell no. Houston...you have a BIG problem. Maybe it's time to coax Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwon out of retirement. Because otherwise, you are fucked. Big time.

Speaking of fucked...how about the Chinese hoops team? Oh, boy. As someone who watched them play in then '04 Olympics and the '06 FIBA Championships on China's badass state-run CCTV-5 sports coverage, I gotta say...Yao gave this team a chance to compete. They actually stood a legitimate chance of beating pathetic teams like Senegal and New Zealand. They actually were able to stay competitive with Team USA for about 5 minutes into the game. Without Yao, just watch: Team China will get their asses handed to them in August, on their home floor. Like the ESPN commercial says, Yi Jianlian is just to an impressive as a sausage link. The rest of their team are bums, and Wang ZhiZhi looks like my dad, except fatter. Oh, well. At least we can always count on the Chinese extreme ping-pong team bringing home the Gold in Beijing.

More on the NFL Combine. So I was watching SportsCenter this morning and caught a brief clip of USC defensive tackle Sedrick Ellis doing the 40-yard dash. HA HA HA, my God, that was great, albeit short-lived. Is there anything funnier than seeing a 350-yard pound lineman run the 40-yard dash clad in skin-tight Under Armour? I wish could have found it on YouTube, but alas, it was great.

Anyway, Chris Long (Howie Long's son) and Vernon Gholston worked out today. Both were very impressive, from what I hear. I predict the Dolphins will snag Long. As for the Rams, what the hell do you do at #2??? Let me address this in my first RAMS RANT.

RAMS RANT

Tough call at #2: Jake Long, Gholston, or Dorsey???

I'll start every Rams Rant with the same question every time: why is that douchebag Linehan still coaching this team?!!!!! Eventually I'll post my full Linehan rant to vent my anger against this bum, but not now. One of the biggest decisions the Rams have to make this offseason is who to select to help rebuild this shattered franchise. With the #2 pick, I've narrowed their choices down to Glenn Dorsey, Vernon Gholston, and Jake Long.

Here's why Dorsey doesn't make sense. We just drafted a DT last season!!!! And our run defense was actually pretty decent last year, believe it or not. As talented as Dorsey is, we need to fill a more immediate need. Offensive line. ALEX BARRON. MY GOD!!!!! SO BAD!!!!!!! HE'S SO BAD! Alex Barron, our current right tackle, has to be the worst football player alive. He gets a shitload of penalties every year and he's a complete dumbass! What a bust! That's why Jake Long makes sense. We need to repair our complete joke of an offensive line. Pace can't stay healthy, our interior linemen blow chunks, and Barron is pathetic. Barron's been penalized more than any player in the NFL this past year. Jake Long has 2 penalties during his 4-year Michigan career. 'Nuff said.

But as much as I like Jake Long here...I think we should take Gholston. His stock is rising and some say he might be just as good as Chris Long. Speaking of pathetic...the Rams have no PASS RUSH from their defensive ends whatsoever. Leonard Little is getting old and can't stay healthy. I don't even know who the other end is. No defensive end on the Rams had more than 2...yes 2! sacks last season. PATHETIC. DOWNRIGHT PATHETIC. We need a pass rusher at D-End. We need a beast like Gholston. I watched, to my chagrin, as Gholston absolutely abused Steve Schilling, AND Jake Long, during the Michigan-OSU game at the Big House last November. I'll forgive him for that, but he's just that good, and that's why the Rams need to get this guy at #2.

'ROIDS, LIES, AND MAN-BOOBS
The MLB Steroid Saga

Clemens update. Heads up, Roger. To take a line from Alonzo Harris in Training Day, Jimmy Crack Corn, you're FEDERALLY FUCKED now. Congress is now pursuing a criminal investigation on Clemens for lying during his testimony. Perhaps he "misremembered" like Andy Pettitte did. And the evidence against him is substantial, mostly dealing with his attendance at a Jose Canseco party in '98, which he claimed that he didn't remember going to in front of Congress. Apparently, there's a weird but incriminating nugget out there that has to deal with Roger mentioning that his wife Debbie had a conversation with Canseco's ex-wife Jessica about their breast implants during the party in question . WHOA! Where the hell did that come from?!!! How much weirder could this get? But if you put 2 and 2 together. Oh, my God. Something tells me Mrs. Clemens took HGH to help enlarge her boobs. Dude. I don't think it works for women. Only for men. But I could be wrong...well, I guess I'll leave it at that.

If this actually leads to Clemens being indicted on perjury charges, how hilarious would that be? Dude. Maybe you should have kept your mouth shut about your wife's plastic boobs...

After all this, a conversation about fake breasts between Clemens's wife and Jessica Canseco (left) might lead to Roger Clemens' downfall.

As for the other notorious juicer, Barry Bonds...yeah, he's still jobless. The Rays, who I talked about in a previous entry, are mulling over the pros and cons of adding him to supplement their core of young players. But right now, Bonds is more desperate to play than any MLB team is desperate to add him. He's so desperate that his agent even suggested playing in the land of sushi, kabuki, and legendary hot dog eaters: Japan. How ridiculous what that be? Barry Bonds in Japan. Wow. I can see it now...the newest Japanese cinema classic: GODZILLA VS. BARROIDZILLA, Showdown of the Century.

Godzilla vs. Barroidzilla: the next great scientifically mutated Japanese monster epic

Finally, college hoops game you might want to check out tonight. Yes, ANOTHER Volunteer State Showdown, #1 Tennessee at #14 Vanderbilt. FYI, for college hoops junkies.

-Carson
2/26/08

Pistons, Fat Male Cheerleaders, 0-29, and McFadden

2008-02-25T19:48:00.004-05:00

So did you watch the Oscars last night? Hopefully not...it was one of the most boring Oscars in recent memory. I flipped between the Oscars and the Bulls game last night...the new-look Bulls hung with the red hot Rockets for about 3 quarters before imploding near the end last night. Well, at least we got a chance to see Drew Gooden and Larry Hughes. Speaking of Gooden, holy shit. That is one MASSIVE beard! Fucking awesome.

Drew Gooden, 2nd from left, in all his badassery, sporting a GARGANTUAN beard!

Meanwhile, the Pistons absolutely ANNIHILATED the Phoenix Suns yesterday, 116-86, in Phoenix. Perhaps it's time to reevaluate my Eastern conference rankings. If the Pistons keep on playing this well on a consistent basis, I gotta consider them to be the favorites to win it all this year.

In college hoops...
Talk about a bad season. The New Jersey Institute of Technology (NJIT) hoops team finished the '07-'08 season with...get this...an 0-29 record. Dude. That sucks. And it's official: NJIT had the worst record in NCAA Divison I regular season history. How could they be so BAD?!!!! Is their team all nearsighted Asians like me who can't even make a damn lay-up?!!!!

Congratulations, NJIT. You just cemented yourself into the annals of ignominy in college basketball history. Don't quit your day job, and keep working on those parabolas and hyperbolas and moments of inertia and shit.

McFadden had a ridonkulus workout at the Combine.

NFL Combine in Indianapolis over the weekend. Darren McFadden apparently dazzled and had an even better workout than Adrian Peterson's last year. That's impressive. Dolphins obviously won't take him (they have Ronnie Brown) and the Rams have Jackson. Falcons, as desperate as they are for a QB, would be crazy not to take D-Mac at #3. Also, Mario Manningham, widely regarded as the best WR prospect in the draft, apparently choked during his workout. Sucks for you, Mario. You just cost yourself a chance to be a 1st round pick, I would imagine.

Finally, here's a good reason why no one goes to Marlins games anymore. They've decided to incorporate an all-fatso cheerleading show during their games this summer. The dance team will feature 7-10 obese, beer-bellied gentlemen, most likely distant relatives and offspring of Captain Frontbutt himself, Notre Dame Head Coach Charlie Weis, who will be appropriately named "The Manatees."

Charlie Weis, auditioning to be a Manatee.

This is fucking hilarious. And what's amazing about it is...it might actually WORK! I mean, it's not that bad of a promotion. Not to sound mean, but how funny would it be to see these guys gyrate in all their glory and glut?!!! (For some reason, reading this made me think of the WWE) This is a hell of a lot better than the New Jersey Nets promoting the "Senior Nets Dancers," a team of 60+ year old wrinkly and not-so-spry cheerleaders. Who knows, maybe the Marlins call finally fill up half of Dolphin Stadium's capacity with this potentially brilliant promotion.

Oh, and they better hire this guy as a Manatee. Look at him just abuse that DDR gamepad. Less than graceful exit though!

-Carson
2/25/08

Tennessee-Memphis, Rays, Rich Rod, and Hot Dogs

2008-02-24T11:58:00.010-05:00

COLLEGE HOOPS ROUNDUP
So I'm sure many of you watched the #1, #2 showdown last night in Memphis. Wow, the game lived up to the hype. The atmosphere at the FedEx Forum was electric--no unnecessary bitch slaps or posters that don't make sense, from what I can tell. Tickets were going for up to $10,000 a pop, and bigwigs like Peyton Manning, Priscilla Presley, and Penny Hardaway were all in attendance. Memphis came out raining 3s early but the Vols started the 2nd half hot and hung on to win 66-62, despite a lackluster performance from star guard Chris Lofton (he did hit two clutch free throws late). Amazing game that went right down to the wire. I guess regular season college hoops can be interesting after all.

In other news, #4 Kansas lost to Okie State in an upset, and in a battle of midmajors, #18 Drake beat #8 Butler on its homecourt. Hopefully that will help me to resist that uncontrollable urge that I have every year to pick Kansas to go far the NCAA Tournament (I still fondly remember the time I picked Kansas to go the Final 4, then they lost in the first round to 14th-seeded Bucknell).

And since March Madness is coming up, I have a few Bracketology pointers to give out. The first one's pretty obvious...Rule of thumb: NEVER PICK AN IVY LEAGUE TEAM FOR AN UPSET. They NEVER win. People who pick Ivy League teams to win are those smartasses who don't know jack shit about sports and do so just because they get good grades in high school/college and admire Ivy League schools because of their academic prowess. Don't pick them because you'll look like a dumbass when they get obliterated in the first round. Face it...the Ivy League champion won't win in the NCAA Tournament. Period. So don't act like you're making such a brilliant prediction by picking Princeton to beat a solid #3 or #4 seed like Purdue, Wisconsin, or UConn in the first round. And yes, I know Michigan hoops lost at Harvard this year. That just shows you how much Michigan hoops has sucked this year.

Potential rookie of the year candidate EVAN Longoria looking to save the Rays from perennial suckitude

Another Spring Training update, this time from Tampa Bay Rays camp. No, that's not a typo. They're the Tampa Bay RAYS now, instead of the Devil Rays. What's the rationale for their elimination of the world "Devil" in their team nickname? I assume it's because they thought the team was Satanically cursed or something. After all, they've sucked for every single season that they've been in existence. But the name change may have worked: there's actual hope for the Rays this season. Suddenly, their lineup is very strong, with speed at the top of the order in Crawford and power in the middle in Pena. They have an excellent third baseman coming up in Evan Longoria (not a misprint! And not in any way related to Eva, at least to my knowledge). Their rotation was pathetic last year but it's getting better with the acquisition of Matt Garza, giving them a big 3 of James Shields, Scott Kazmir, and Garza, with last year's #1 pick David Price coming up through the minors.

And for once, there's plenty of optimism at Rays camp: Crawford and Kazmir are both expressing lofty expectations for the '08 season. Watch out for the Rays this season. Yes, you heard me right, the Tampa Bay Rays...they might surprise a lot of people, and for once they might not be the complete laughingstock of the MLB, with a solid lineup and a revamped rotation. Nominally exorcizing "Devil" from the Devil Rays may have actually worked.

GO BLUE RANT

Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez, victim of a statewide sociopathic crusade.

So I was watching ESPN a few days ago and they ran a feature on new Michigan Wolverines football coach Rich Rodriguez and how he's been completely ostracized in West Virginia. Recently, those crazy folks down there have gone as far as making a "Shred Rich Rodriguez" promotion night for the minor league hockey team the Wheeling Nailers. And Mr. Rodriguez says that his family has been receiving death threats from people in West Virginia upset about his "betrayal." The West Virginia Governor, Joe Manchin, has even gotten involved in all the Rodriguez bashing.

What the fuck?!!!! West Virginians are getting all worked up about this. Dude. All he did was take another job. GET OVER IT. Governor Manchin, don't you have other things to worry about? Your state is fucked up. Especially when lawmakers are suggesting "gun training" in your schools!!!! YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!!!! This leads me to the conclusion that some West Virginians are really insane in the membrane. Look, Mr. Rodriguez may have "betrayed" you but it's time to move on. You people are reacting as if he supplied weapons to terrorists. Death threats? GIVE ME A BREAK. I can't believe there's sick people out there who are actually threatening to hurt his children because a guy went to take a job at another school. Does this make your life really that miserable because Rich Rodriguez left West Virginia? Ridiculous. Besides, you have a winning percentage of 1.000 in the post-Rodriguez era. Just chill already, West Virginia. It's not the end of the world. Hell, Dolphin fans were pissed when Saban bolted to Alabama. Falcons fans were irate when Petrino left midseason for Arkansas. But they got over it. Why can't the people of West Virginia just do the same???

Then again, I don't intend to demean the entire state of West Virginia because of this rant. I'm sure most of them are nice people who don't choose to participate in insane, sociopathic rituals like "Shred Rich Rodriguez Night" and "Send Death Threats to Rich Rodriguez's Family Night." After all, they do make, by the looks of it, one hell of a hot dog. Mmmmm.... (Memo to Prince Fielder: You can go ahead and have your tofu hot dogs. More of the good shit for the rest of us!)

That looks fucking awesome.

-Carson
2/24/08

Rockets, Celtics, Grossman, and Prince Fielder the Vegetarian

2008-02-23T14:08:00.012-05:00

Busy day in the NBA last night. The best teams in each conference got WALLOPED. The Hornets 100-80 on their home court to the resurgent Rockets, while the Celtics apparently forgot to pack their sunscreen to Phoenix, because they got BURNT by the Suns, 85-77.

Amare Stoudemire leads the Suns to a decisive win over Boston.

I caught parts of the second half of the Celtics game after I got back from the airport around 12 this morning. Ray Allen and Paul Pierce were ICE COLD, a combined 5-25 from the field. The Celtics now have lost their 3rd straight and now their lead in the East has eroded to 2 games. Well...they're beginning to struggle now as they enter a very challenging part of their schedule, losing to really good West teams like Denver, Golden State, and Phoenix, but relax Celtic fans,. If the big 3 stays healthy, you still have the best team in the East, on paper. Making it to the NBA finals shouldn't be too hard. But winning it all could be a different story.

Meanwhile, the Houston Rockets have won their 11th straight game and are the hottest team in the NBA. They just destroyed the Hornets in New Orleans last night. So does this make Houston legitimate NBA title contenders? Give me a break. T-Mac and Yao need to prove to us that they won't choke in the first round of the playoffs again. They need both of them to step it up because their team isn't as deep or talented as any of the top 4 teams in the West (Lakers, Suns, Spurs, and Hornets) who they'll probably face in the first round of the playoffs.

Oh and the Bulls beat the Nuggets 135-121 last night. Holy shit! 135 points??? Where the hell did that come from? Well, I guess that says how valuable Ben Wallace was to this team. First game that he's gone, the Bulls put up 135 against a very good Nuggets squad. Amazing. And I guess Tyrus and Noah aren't as worthless as I suggested in my Bulls Rant yesterday: both had very effective games against the Nuggets.

Famous vegetarians: Lisa Simpson...Dennis Kucinich...PRINCE FIELDER???

Moving on to baseball now. Shocking revelations out of Brewers camp: Prince Fielder says that he's a....VEGETARIAN! What the fuck? If you don't believe me, check this out.

This is so ridiculously random and unexpected. Prince Fielder, one of the biggest, fattest, most monstrous sluggers in baseball, is a veggie, joining other famous celebrity veggies such as Lisa Simpson and Dennis Kucinich. Maybe he's trying to lose some weight?

Actual quote by Fielder, from the article: "I tell people I don't eat meat, and they're like, 'Oh!'" Fielder said, raising his hands and making a sour face. "They forget there's so much other food out there. Beans, rice, tofu. You've got a lot of good food, baby!"

Randall Simon taking out an Italian Sausage in Milwaukee back in '03. Naughty, naughty!

Dude. April Fool's Day is more than a month away. And Fielder said that he would support the decision to sell veggie hot dogs at Miller Park. Does that mean we'll have a veggie dog in the Sausage Race at Miller Park as well? I'll tell you this for sure...the chorizo will fuck the veggie dog up good in a footrace. Is Randall Simon in the house???

Also, a scary moment at Cubs camp. Second baseman Mark DeRosa was taken off on a stretcher after experiencing an irregular heartbeat and shortness of breath at the Cubs practice facility in Mesa, Arizona. Lou Piniella expects that he'll be fine...get well soon, DeRo.

WEEKLY SPYGATE UPDATE

New Spygate allegation from the New York Times. So...this is where it all started, according to a former Patriots player: Belichick started taping opponents right from the get go, in his first preseason with the team, and then used it to cheat against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the 2000 season opener. Dude. How much more of a prickhole can you be? Belichick needs to be banned from the NFL for life, or better yet, arrested and booked for breaking federal antitrust and fair competition laws, once Senator Specter's investigation has concluded with the inevitable discovery that the Patriots are fucking cheaters, bamboozling their way to their dynasty*. Justice will be served.

Rex Grossman is back for another melodramatic season in Chicago.

In other football news, the Bears give Not-so-Sexy Rexy yet ANOTHER chance, signing him to a 1-year contract. Dude. You had your chance. And your second chance. And your third chance. YOU BLEW IT. Besides, Orton is better than you, damnit. Face it, Lovie. Rex is never going to be that quality QB that will win the Bears a Super Bowl ring. He's a mediocre, backup-quality QB. If he didn't fuck up as much as he did in '06 and in the Super Bowl, the Bears probably would've won it all that year. Yes, I know the Bears have plenty of more problems than at QB, but if the Bears ever want to make it back to the Super Bowl, or even the playoffs, they better get real and go after a proven QB like McNabb, or Derek Anderson. And it won't hurt to get some WRs after letting the top 2 wideouts on the team go.

And before I go, I'd like to say that I'm willing to answer questions on just about any topic in a recurring Mailbag segment, if I get a fair amount of them. You can send them to quingyt@yahoo.com.

-Carson
2/23/08

Best Sports Movies, Bulls Rant, and Bitch Slaps

2008-02-22T13:59:00.006-05:00

It's Oscars weekend. My personal pick for Best Picture: No Country For Old Men. But before we stray off-topic, I'd like to take this entry to nominate my top five favorite sports movies of all-time. We all love a good sports movie, but most of them are predictable: an inspirational tale of an underdog overcoming all odds to win it all. These five movies that I'm about to list all carry the same story, more or less, but transcend their peers in terms of awesomeness and entertainability.

5. ANY GIVEN SUNDAY. Dark, bleak portrayal of the NFL, from Oliver Stone. What makes this movie stand out has gotta be one cringe-worthy moment of the guy losing his eyeball on the field in the final game. OUCH! (I tried to find the clip on YouTube and Google but they don't have it--I guess you'll have to rent the movie to see for yourself)

4. RUDY. This is why sports movies are made. Great story.

3. REMEMBER THE TITANS. Awesome. Denzel is the man.

2. MAJOR LEAGUE. Another hilarious '80s comedy. My favorite character has gotta be Dennis Haysbert as Pedro Cerrano, the Cuban slugger who can't hit a curveball, sacrifices chickens, and worships his voodoo/tiki/idol thing, Jobu.

1. SPACE JAM. What puzzles me is how people could hate this movie. Space Jam is the shit! Come on, you've got an all-star cast of His Airness, Bill Murray, Wayne Knight, CHARLES BARKLEY, SHAWN BRADLEY, and MUGGSY BOGUES!!!!! What else could you ask for? Amazing, badass villains, the Monstars, who I mentioned in my previous entry...the Looney Tunes...and Lola, for eye candy, if you have a girly-rabbit fetish. If I were head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers, I'd show Space Jam to my team at least twice a week to make them believe that a bunch of talentless bums can overcome all odds and unite around one amazing hoopster to win it all. It truly is quite an inspirational film.

Finally, my idea for the next great sports film.

THE DEPARTED 2

Sgt. Dignam is back in The Departed 2, ready to fuck shit up.

The young, brash, foul-mouthed, and badass Sergeant Dignam (Mark Wahlberg) is back, ready to fuck people up. After helping bring down Frank Costello and his rats in the Special Investigations Unit, Dignam has a new assignment: help the US Government find concrete evidence that the Patriots videotaped the St. Louis Rams Super Bowl walkthrough. While Dignam is undercover with crime lord Bill Belichick and his minions, the Patriots send their own spy, Super She-Male Gisele Bundchen to seduce Captain Ellerby (Alec Baldwin) of the SIU. Soon, Dignam, Belichick, Tom Brady, and Bundchen are caught up in a dangerous cat and mouse game that involves all kinds of badass shit.

BULLS RANT

Like I said in my first entry, I'm very passionate about my sports teams. So every now on then, especially during days without any huge breaking sports stories, I like to deliver a scathing rant on the shortcomings of one of my four favorite sports teams: Rams, Cubs, Bulls, and Wolverines. Today...I'm going to spend this segment on the Chicago Bulls.

This will be a follow-up segment to yesterday's mini-Bulls rant. As y'all know, Ben Wallace was traded yesterday to the Cavaliers. The Ben Wallace era is finally over. He was supposed to give the Bulls a chance to make the NBA Finals. Instead, after 18 months as a Bull, the experiment has turned into a total disaster. The Ben Wallace signing was just one of the many idiotic decisions that Bulls GM John Paxson has made in the past 3 years. That's why today I plan on ranting on Paxson's overwhelmingly inept general manageability.

Joakim Noah: probably the most entertaining personality in the NBA today.

I give Paxson credit for drafting Hinrich, Gordon, and Deng to produce the core that allowed the Bulls to make three straight playoff appearances and win their first playoff series in a decade after years of futility in the Tim Floyd and Bill Cartwright eras. But recently, the decisions he's made has turned this team from promising into a trainwreck. Let's start by looking at the Eddy Curry trade. Initially, Paxson looked like a genius for ripping Isiah Thomas off. 2 top 10 picks for Eddy Curry was a pretty damn good deal. Then, inexplicably during the '06 draft, Paxson trades LaMarcus Aldridge for Tyrus Thomas, depriving us of a promising low post talent. Now, Aldridge is flourishing in Portland, while Tyrus has taken a step backwards in his maturation, not to mention that he's wildly inconsistent. Then, in the '07 draft, we used the Knicks pick to get Joakim Noah. Well...at least he's quite an entertaining character. I must admit...watching him on the court is pretty damn funny. Dude...at least pretend like you know how to play basketball out there. So, the last two drafts haven't been Paxson's best moments, but that's just the tip of the iceberg.

The '06 offseason saw the Bulls cut ties with Tyson Chandler and sign Ben Wallace for defensive help. But like I said yesterday, Ben Wallace didn't really do much of anything. Meanwhile, Tyson Chandler is becoming a defensive machine in New Orleans, who has the best record in the West right now. What the fuck, Mr. Paxson. I know hindsight is 20-20 but it's your job to make sure this shit doesn't happen.

Dude. Stop this dumbass shit and get it together!

Oh, but that's not all. Your inability to re-sign Gordon and Deng to long term deals this offseason is INEXCUSABLE. Not to mention your incompetence at landing big time performers like Kobe, Garnett, and Gasol. We had a chance this past year to land any one of those stars, BUT YOU BLEW IT, Mr. Paxson! Bulls fans have had enough of your string of failed management decisions. And now with all likelihood, Gordon and Deng will walk after '09 and sign elsewhere, and the Bulls will be back where they were in the beginning of this decade, mired in suckage. Next time you walk into your office, I suggest you think with your BRAIN and not with your ANUS, Mr. Paxson.

MUST-SEE TV

#2 Tennessee at #1 Memphis
9:00 PM Saturday
TV: I think it's ESPN but check your local listings to be sure

This is it, the college basketball game of the season. Normally, I don't follow college hoops until March Madness time but this game is worth watching. Memphis tries to stay undefeated against a red-hot Tennessee team in this in-state showdown. Prediction: Memphis 78, Tennessee 75

"WTF?" PICTURE OF THE WEEK

Stumbled across this picture on ESPN.com the other day. So what the fuck is going on here anyway? It was taken during last week's nailbiter in Birmingham between #1 Memphis and UAB. Memphis hung on to win 79-78. So...this was the scene among the UAB crowd after the loss. Looks like some kind of twisted Picasso painting. What the hell's going on here??? The sign is...original. "We Beat Mempis, Not Our Girls." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What does sexual assault have anything to do with this? Mempis? Are you serious? Dude. Learn how to spell.

And if you look closely at the right of this picture, some heckler in a orange shirt looks like he's getting BITCH-SLAPPED by someone off-camera. HA HA HA, my God, that is HILARIOUS. This picture says it all, doesn't it? Man, I love sports photography. It captures the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and the essence of posters that don't make any sense and random, unnecessary, and premeditated bitch slaps. There's a redneck joke embedded somewhere in this imagine, but I don't want to sound like I'm plagiarizing a Larry the Cable Guy stand-up routine. Sweet home Alabama, indeed.

-Carson
2/22/08

Blockbuster 3-way NBA trade and my Gisele Bundchen Conspiracy Theory

2008-02-21T22:09:00.006-05:00

Well I apologize for the delay, I was bogged down with calc work all day.

Before I start, I have to rant about this latest development in the screwy, melodramatic, and unpredictable life of Carson Qing. Let me set the scene: I'm on the Michigan campus this morning walking back from Econ at Lorch Hall when suddenly I see a dollar bill on the ground. I'm about to pick it up when some dude literally footstep in front of me walking the other direction leans down to grab it before I could. Suddenly, he screams: "OH, MY GOODNESS! A HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!!" My initial reaction: FUCK!!!!!!!! I was literally a FOOTSTEP away from a Benjamin Franklin, a hundred dollars, MUCHO DINERO. Alas...I came up one footstep short. Unbelievable. Just UNBELIEVABLE. How terrible can my fortune be??? [sigh] This is just a lesson that sometimes fate, if you believe in it, can really be a bitch.

I won't waste your time with this garbage anymore, so let's move on to sports.

WHO GOT RIPPED OFF???

Yo, Big Ben. Thanks...FOR NOTHING. YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT! GOOD RIDDANCE!

Huge trade in the NBA today. I mean, huge. 3-team deal, including the Cavs, Bulls, and Sonics. I'll try to keep track of it all so y'all don't get confused. It's more complex than number 22 on my mindfucking calc homework. Anyway, here's the details:

CAVS GET
Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, Delonte West, Joe Smith

BULLS GET

Drew Gooden, Larry Hughes, and chump change

SONICS GET
Garbage

Talent-wise, the Sonics got ripped off. But it makes sense I guess for them...they're dumping salary to restock this offseason to get supporting help for Durant.

I like what the Bulls are getting. Joe Smith was having a very productive year but he wasn't getting any younger. I'm just glad they got rid of Big Ben, who was becoming a massive PAIN IN THE ASS. Dude! You shoot 30% from the free throw line, you have no offensive game whatsoever, and your defense is vastly overrated. You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to make the Bulls better. All you did was bitch about whether you could wear your stupid headband. I'm glad Paxson shipped his overrated ass outta Chicago. Big Ben? More like Big Bust. YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT!!!! GOOD RIDDANCE!

Meanwhile, the Bulls addressed two of their needs: a big guard in Hughes and a low post presence in Gooden. Jackpot!

Speaking of Wallace...this doesn't make the Cavs much better in my opinion. Wallace did NOTHING to help an already talented team in the Bulls. He might be more of a liability than an asset. Like I said, Joe Smith was having a surprisingly good year, and West and Szczerbiak add depth. Still, this trade doesn't push the Cavs into the top 3 in the East at all.

So after the trade deadline ends, here's how I'd rank the top 5 in each conference

Jose Calderon, having a badass season for the Raptors

EAST

1. Celtics. They're heading into a tough part in their schedule, but dude! They're 41-11, far and away the best record in the NBA. I have to put them at the top spot.

2. Pistons.

3. Magic. Watch out for this team in the playoffs. They could get hot and surprise a lot of people.

4. Cavaliers.

5. Raptors. Jose Calderon has gotta be the frontrunner for the Most Improved Player Award. Not many people have heard about him but he's quietly having a monster season.

Will the Mavs look into signing one of the Monstars from Space Jam for help in their frontcourt?

WEST

1. Lakers. Looks like Kobe's pinkie isn't a problem, downing 40 points in a 130-124 win over the Suns. Once they get Bynum back healthy, they might have the best starting five in the NBA.

2. Hornets. Just embarrassed the Mavericks despite Jason Kidd's debut. Chris Paul is my pick for MVP right now...

3. Suns. So-so debut for Shaq. Did nothing to prove me and his other critics wrong, as the Suns lost on their home court ot the Lakers.

4. Spurs. They add more size by acquiring Kurt Thomas, and once they're all 100% they'll still be tough to beat.

5. Mavericks. One potential problem with the J-Kidd deal is that they're without a legitimate center/defensive stopper. Maybe they can coax Shawn Bradley back from retirement. If that doesn't work, maybe they'll settle for one of the 'roided up Monstars from Space Jam.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS CONSPIRACY THEORIES

This is the first entry in this recurring segment that speculates on possible New England Patriots coverups. If I told you on February 21, 2007 that the Patriots cheated their way to 3 Super Bowls, you'd scoff. Spygate proved that the Patriots are a FRAUD. That's why it might be a good idea to speculate on other potential Patriot conspiracies that they don't want us to uncover.

Conspiracy Theory #1: Gisele Bundchen is...A SHE-MALE!!!!!

Ok, I know this picture doesn't really help my argument but looks can be deceiving.

I know what you're thinking. That this is completely outrageous...inconceivable...slander even. Well, I don't care what you think--hey. HEY! Stop staring at her...or rather, him...and read this damn thing.

Anyway, you must be thinking that I'm a complete idiot for saying this. You're laughing at me. You're laughing and pointing at me through your computer screen. I see you doing that. It could be second grade all over again for me, but I'm not going to budge. GISELE BUNDCHEN IS A TRANSVESTITE. That's right. Tom Brady is screwing a SHE-MALE!!!!!!! Let's all point and laugh at Tom-not-so-Terrific and his bizarre fetishes.

You're probably thinking...this is impossible. How could a "woman" so hot be a she-male? How??? Two words. Plastic surgery. Looks can be deceiving, folks. Rule of thumb...nothing is impossible in the world of sex change operations. Ms. Bundchen needs to prove to me that she isn't a she-male, then I'll believe it. That's why I challenge Ms. Bundchen to meet with personally and give me hard evidence that she doesn't have the junk and the family jewels in her nether regions. I'll believe it when I SEE it.

On that note...I bid you adieu. Apologize for the lack of "sports" focus today, but what else was there to talk about on a pretty slow day in the sports world?

-Carson

2/21/08

NOTE: There may or may not be an update tomorrow. I'm going to be pretty busy all day plus I have a flight to catch. And to make things worse, there's going to be a blizzard in Jersey tomorrow. I'll try my best to squeeze one in though.

Spring Training, Ryan Dempster, MLB Offseason Review, and Public Humiliation

2008-02-20T13:18:00.030-05:00

Well, Spring Training appears to be in full swing now as many teams have reported to their respective camps in Florida and Arizona. The scenes are all radically different, but not so surprising. We have the media/steroid circus in Yankees camp, hijinks in Phillies camp, and the annual World Series guarantee from a random player in Cubs camp. So let's see what's happened so far:

We all know about Andy Pettitte's press conference at Yankees camp the other day. As always, Yankee camp is turning into a media circus. Meanwhile, Miguel Tejada and Eric Gagne decided to completely ignore the issue for whatever reason. Something tells me that ignoring the elephant in the clubhouse isn't gonna make it go away.

Albert Pujols says that his elbow could give out at any moment during the regular season. Beware, fantasy owners. Beware.

Hey Dempster, stop the Plaxico-nostication already and focus on baseball, fool!

Ryan Dempster makes a bold prediction: the Cubs will win the 2008 World Series. This seems to be an annual tradition now at Cubs camp in Mesa, Arizona. Zambrano last year predicted that he would win the Cy Young and the Cubs will win the Series, and Dempster did the same this year. Only the second part though. Even he knows he has no shot in hell of winning the Cy Young because he sucks balls. Dude...stop making outrageous predictions and work on your damn slider or something. You sucked in the second half of the '07 season. Here's an idea: how about you figure out how to cure your nasty habit of walking the bases loaded every time you go out there to the mound. So stop with the Plaxico-nostication and start focusing on getting your game together.

Barry Bonds is still a free agent. This is hardly a surprise, I don't think any team would even consider signing this prick. Time for you to beat it, Barroid.

MLB OFFSEASON REVIEW

Now let's take a look back at what happened these past four months in the MLB. Of course, we had the Mitchell Report, the Roger Clemens fiasco, several blockbuster trades, and a short-lived A-Rod soap opera. Who came out as the winners and the losers of this offseason?

WINNERS

Cabrera and Willis: going to Mo-Town, where people actually care about baseball.

TIGERS
A RIDONKULUS offseason for Detroit. Dave Dombrowski has proven that he really is the Sultan of the Strategery. It started out modestly by acquiring Edgar Renteria, but they got Miguel Cabrera AND the D-Train from the Marlins, and now they have the best lineup in baseball.

METS
They got Johan fuckin’ Santana. ‘Nuff said. And they gave up total garbage for him, too. What a steal.

D'BACKS
Acquiring Dan Haren makes their rotation the best and the deepest in the National League.

ORIOLES
Got a shitload of good, young prospects for Miguel Tejada and Erik Bedard.

TORII HUNTER
Cha-ching!

LOSERS

WHITE SOX
Does Kenny Williams have any idea what he's doing??? They are so fucked. Their bullpen is a disaster, their rotation is thin, and their manager is mentally unstable. They lost out on Aaron Rowand, Andruw Jones, torii Hunter, and Kosuke Fukudome. While the Indians, Tigers, and Royals are making steps forward, the Sox are taking a big step backwards. Could be another long season on the South Side.

Memo to the Cardinals: get your pepper spray ready, because the balls-grabber's coming to town

CARDINALS
The Pujols elbow thing aside...it's been a shitty offseason for the Cardinals. Especially when your number 1 free agent signing is Cesar Izturis, of the inappropriate testicles-grabbing fame. If you don't believe me, click here. (Izturis is the guy in the blue warmup shirt violating Aramis Ramirez. WARNING: Adult Content!) He was traded from the Cubs to Pittsburgh a few days after that incident. Better watch out Albert Pujols, the next time you hit a walkoff home run. As for their pitching, it still sucks. Don't expect Matt Clement to save the day.

PIRATES
They're losers every offseason. I don't think they're even trying to win. Forget the fans, even the players are getting impatient.

TWINS
They should have taken either the Red Sox or Yankee offers for Santana to pick up MLB ready prospects like Jacoby Ellsbury or Melky Cabrera. Instead they walk away with squadoush. Dumbasses.

ROGER CLEMENS
See previous blog entry.

Moving on now...
#1 Most Viewed YouTube video yesterday: Chinese women's soccer team cheating in a match against Korea.

Now this is just unbelievably ridiculous. So one of the members on the Chinese team collapses for no apparent reason to fake an injury in order for the game to end (it was already in injury time). And as you can see, after the ref ejects her, she blocks the cornerkick and China wins! How ridiculous is that?!!!! She's not even trying to be subtle. That's like Bill Belichick walking over to the other team's sideline and dumping toxic chemicals into their giant tub of Gatorade. Then again...shit, I better not have given Belichick an alternative to videotaping his opponents.

PUBLIC HUMILIATION AT ITS FINEST

This is going to be another recurring series that highlights outrageously hilarious incidents of public humiliation on national television. Now this particularly entry is not exactly sports related, but it's worth it. Today's victim: Kirk Watson, a state senator from Austin Texas (a supporter of Barack Obama), who gets SKEWERED by Chris Matthews last night during MSNBC's primary coverage. Click here and take a looksee.

I was watching the MSNBC coverage last night and couldn't believe what I was seeing/hearing. How PATHETIC can you get, Mr. Watson?!!!! HAHA, oh my God! PATHETIC!!!!! DUDE! Know your shit before you go on national television! Way to go Chris Matthews for showing us what a complete moron this guy Watson is. How could you endorse someone without even knowing any of his accomplishments?!!!!! What a dumbass. Sure Matthews may have been a little harsh but he was just doing his job as the news talk show guy, separating people who know what they're talking about from people who have no idea what they're talking about.

For Watson to blubber his way through that was DOWNRIGHT EMBARRASSING, more so for him than for the Obama campaign I would imagine. What an idiot. At the very least, he could've called out the Hillary rep to name one of Hillary's accomplishments. DUMBASS!!!! That is why Kirk Watson is our FIRST Public Humiliation Victim here on the Sports Rant.

And though Olbermann may have a point about it being an unfair question, but still COME ON, Mr. Watson. YOU'RE GOING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. You should have been better prepared. Now you're the laughingstock of the nation.

-Carson
2/20/08

Clemens, Pettitte, Jason Kidd trade, and handkerchiefs

2008-02-19T10:08:00.009-05:00

'ROIDS, LIES, AND MAN-BOOBS: The MLB Steroids Saga

This is going to be the first entry in this series about steroids in baseball and other sports. I'll start off by saying that I hate talking about off the field stuff and athletes in legal trouble. I just don't find it worth talking about. Sports should be about what happens on the field, not off the field. That's what's worth talking about. And what's worse is that you hear about this shit 24/7 on ESPN, whether it's about Mike Vick, Pacman Jones, Barry Bonds, or now, Roger Clemens.

Well said.

So the bizarre Clemens saga rages on. Since this was the top story yesterday, I'm obliged to talk about this. To be honest, I haven't really followed the Clemens story. All I know is that he bullshitted his way through his Congressional testimony and subsequent grilling, and many people believe that he's screwing himself over. I seem to remember Clemens saying to Congress that Andy Pettitte "misremembered" that Clemens said to [Pettitte] that he took the 'roids. Hmm...for some reason, "misremembered" sounds like a Bush-ism, but whatever. Somebody tell Roger that this ain't a Men In Black movie, this is a fucking Congressional testimony, YOU ARE UNDER OATH! Clemens is a complete moron for doing this. Dude. IT AIN'T WORTH IT. Look at what happened to other 'roid users who tried to bullshit their way out of their clusterfucks. Barry Bonds...Marion Jones...Rafael Palmeiro....yeah, didn't go so hot, did it? Sorry, Mr. Clemens. But you are SCREWED.

And maybe the most shocking revelation in all this is the report that Clemens' wife, Debbie, was also a juicer: McNamee says that he injected her with HGH in her stomach. For some reason, all this sounds like either a bad soap opera or some kind of bizarre porn movie. Or maybe a really original episode of Law & Order.

I give Andy Pettitte credit for coming clean on his HGH use. What's ironic is that while Clemens is trying to clear his name, it's people like Pettitte and Giambi who are being forthright about their steroid use to the media and are actually in the process of clearing their names from this mess, while Clemens is completely destroying his. HAHA what a DUMBASS.

WHO GOT RIPPED OFF???

Jason Kidd appears to be headed back to Big D

This is going to be another recurring segment reviewing all of the trades and free agent signings in the sports world. Today, we've got a blockbuster deal in the NBA: Jason Kidd finally appears to be Dallas-bound. That took a while, but it's finally close to being done, with Dallas sending 2 future 1st round picks, Devin Harris, DeSagana Diop, and garbage to the Nets for Jason Kidd and some bum that nobody cares about. It's not completely finished yet, there's still the condition that Keith Van Horn must "come out of retirement" to fulfill the deal, but Rod Thorn says that this "appears to be a go," which is good enough for me. Anyway, this obviously makes the Mavs a hell of a lot better. The Nets get a nice haul too, since Devin Harris should be a solid point guard in a few years. But the Mavs are the big winner, Jason Kidd is one of the best point guards in NBA history and is exactly the type of take charge point guard that this team desperately needs. The trade seems to be win-win for both sides so no one got ripped off on this one.

In NFL news, the Patriots are close to signing another washed up linebacker, Zach Thomas. Who are they going to go after next? Dick Butkus? Pathetic.

Moving on to more light-hearted stuff now...Here's an interesting clip: Steve Nash uses Craig Sager's handkerchief thing to blow his nose during Sunday's NBA All-Star Game. Craig Sager is probably the most outrageous sideline reporter in TV sports (with some highly questionable fashion choices), and this was just a classic moment. Also...one thing I'm trying to figure out is how to post YouTube videos on here. If anyone has any tips, they would be greatly appreciated...

Finally...since this was the most viewed video on YouTube yesterday, I feel obligated to post it. Apparently, Phillies pitcher Kyle Kendrick was the victim of an elaborate practical joke at Phillies camp the other day. Basically, everybody was in on it, from the GM to the manager to the reporters and to his teammates...everybody duped him into believing that he was traded to Japan for a guy named Kobayashi, AKA the voracious, legendary Hot Dog eater who enjoys dunking hot dog buns in Coca Cola. Ew. Anyway, it was a pretty impressive prank. I guess these guys in spring training have a shitload of free time on their hands...

-Carson
2/19/08

NBA All-Star weekend

2008-02-18T15:13:00.002-05:00

WEEKEND IN REVIEW
First off, Happy President's Day, everyone. So, it was a pretty interesting sports weekend. Let's review.

Superman, AKA Dwight Howard...holy shit.

DID ANYONE WATCH THE SLAM DUNK CONTEST?!!!!!! Unbelievable! DWIGHT HOWARD IS THE SHIT! The Superman dunk...my God, he didn't even dunk the ball, he was up so high he had to throw the ball into the hoop!!!! Amazing. And the one off the backboard was awesome too. And the one where he batted it off the glass. If you missed it, click here

Was that the greatest dunk contest performance ever? Probably the best I've seen as an NBA fan...topping Vince Carter's performance 7-ish years ago. All four of those dunks were incredible.

I watched parts of the All-Star game, too. I try to catch some of it each year, it's always a blast: there's all kinds of ridonkulus shit that these fellas pull off like alley-ooping off the backboard during the game, no-look passes, 360 dunks, Shaq doing crossovers, etc etc. Oh and LeBron James' dunk during the final 2 minutes...damn! Now that's a hell of a throwdown. Nowitzki...HAHA. Ouch.

WEEKLY SPYGATE UPDATE

Former Rams special teamer Willie Gary is suing the New England Patriots for cheating in the Super Bowl . Heh. The Pats may have chated to win the Super Bowl but the RAMS WILL WIN IN COURT! Belichick denies that the Pats taped the Rams practice, but the noose is tightening on the Patriots, and Inspector Specter will set things straight!

On the college hoops front...Michigan beats Ohio State for the first time in 5 years, while Rich Rodriguez taunts rowdy OSU fans at Crisler. That's 3 straight for the Wolverines. Not bad, maybe they can end this season on a high note (upset over MSU? Or is that wishful thinking?).

Also, #2 Duke was upset against Wake Forest...and #1 Memphis almost lost to UAB! March Madness is coming up soon. Hopefully my brackets won't be a disaster this year. Note to self: DON'T PICK KANSAS TO WIN IT ALL. They screw me over every year. Bastards.

Kazaam/Shaq Fu/Steel/The Diesel goes to Phoenix...

On a final note, Shaq will probably debut with the Suns this week. Steve Kerr may have been badass with the Bulls, but as GM of the Suns, WHAT WAS HE THINKING?!!!! Shaq is old and fat, he's only gonna slow down D'Antoni's fast paced offensive attack. They are gonna regret this. And watch, the Heat are gonna be competitive again in a few years once they get the #1 pick in the draft, and combine him with D-Wade and Marion. Good move by the Heat...inconceivably atrocious move by the Suns. Oh and by the way...have any of you seen Shawn Marion's shooting stroke? Very weird.

-Carson
2/18/08

My traumatic experiences as a sports fan

2008-02-18T14:23:00.001-05:00

And here we go. Let's see if this works. Let me introduce myself first. My name is Carson Qing and I'm a freshman at the University of Michigan. No idea what I'm majoring in yet, probably something that will have me winding up in a cubicle one day. Anyway, I was born in Beijing, China in 1988 and moved to the United States in 1993. After living in the Austin, Texas area for a few years, I moved all over the place, from Indiana (1 year) to Chicago (7 years) to New Jersey (4 years). How does an Asian kid like me get into sports and not the stereotypical Asian interests of video games, guns, math, rap music, and racist jokes? Who knows. First sports game I ever watched? I'll try to remember but I think it was Super Bowl XXX between the Cowboys and the Steelers. First sports team I ever followed? Probably the Chicago Bulls of the '90s, and Michael Jordan (my first sports hero).

Anyway, I love my sports teams. Now, they're a little unconventional, I like teams from all over the place, with a slight Chicago sports inclination. I LOVE my Cubbies. I'll go into that later. After a few years of disinterest, I'm following the NBA again, and sticking with my first team, the Bulls. As for football, I have a rabid fascination with the St. Louis Rams, no matter how idiotic their general management and coaching staff are right now. And as for college, GO BLUE, baby. I also follow golf (only the majors though), and I tend to root for Tiger Woods. I watch the Olympics every 2 years (BEIJING 2008!), and the World Cup every 4 years. As for NASCAR, the NHL, and tennis...nah, I could care less.

Now why am I a sports fan? What makes athletic competition so compelling? I honestly have no idea. To me, it's more than a distraction. It's a way of life. Being a sports fan just makes your life soooo much more interesting. Can't quite explain why, but it just does. Unfortunately, in the last decade, I've had my share of heartbreak. Let's start with my Rams. I admit it...I jumped on the Rams bandwagon in '99. I had no interest in the NFL prior to '99. I watched the Super Bowl the years prior to that, but I just didn't care. I didn't find it exciting, nor did I understand it. But Mike Martz's GREATEST SHOW ON TURF made me believe that the NFL can be exciting. It made me care. And that's why I'm a Rams fan.

Now on to the nightmare of Super Bowl XXXVI. I was enjoying another great run by the Greatest Show on Turf in '01 when the unthinkable happened. The Rams lost. In the Super Bowl. To the Patriots. The New England fuckin' Patriots, 14 point underdogs, HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN? After some cruel taunting at school, it finally sunk in, and 20-17 would cause a dark emptiness in my stomach that still lingers today. Adam fuckin' Vinatieri. Tom fuckin' Brady. Bill fuckin' Belichick. They beat us. HOW THE HELL DID THEY BEAT US?!!!!

Super Bowl XXXVI, AKA "New England Patriots are Fucking Cheaters!!!"

That loss devastated the Rams for years. Kurt Warner never really was the same again, and I heard it right from his own mouth when I went to see him talk a month after the Super Bowl at a church in suburban Chicago. Mike Martz's relationship with John Shaw (the Rams President) and the Rams management began to go downhill, leading to his eventual dismissal in '05. Even Faulk lost a step after the Super Bowl. The entire franchise was traumatized, and you could just tell from their disastrous 0-5 start the following season. The team never recovered. (they almost did in '03, before losing a heartbreaker in 2OT to the Panthers in the divisional round) And now we find out that the Patriots CHEATED their way to victory...that makes the loss even tougher to swallow. DAMN YOU, BELICHICK. BURN IN HELL!!!!!!!! And let that be the first of many curses towards the godforsaken evil Fascist entity that is the New England Patriots. Fuckers.

Now I'll move on. To baseball. My Cubbies. What can I say...I'm lucky. I started following the Cubs when I was 8. There's been ups, there's been downs. I just feel bad for the 100-year old Cubs fan who hasn't seen a single championship in his entire life. Probably more downs than ups. I'll say this...the '07 season was a blast. Sure, the sweep in the playoffs was a huge downer, but still, the regular season was AMAZING. So many great games, so many great finishes, so many great moments. A hell of a lot better than the disaster that was '06.

"The infamous "Bartman play"

And now...let's talk about 2003. It's always hard to talk about this, ask any Cubs fan. But most Cub fans are in agreement: we don't blame Mr. Bartman for the collapse. If there's someone to blame, it's Dusty Baker for not going out to talk with Prior after he walked Luis Castillo. Or it's Alex Gonzalez for inexplicably fumbling that easy double play ball. [sigh] Of course it was heartbreaking. 5 outs from going to the World Series for the first time since 1945...but I still feel bad for all the backlash Mr. Bartman had to suffer through in Chicago in the wake of the collapse. And now that the obligatory reference to Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS is off my back, I'd like to never mention that again.

And finally. Michigan vs. Appalachian State. Another traumatic experience, one that I witnessed firsthand. My first game at the Big House...and this happens. Unbelievable. When Henne completed that bomb to Manningham with about 5 seconds left I thought the game was ours. All we need was to boot a makeable field goal, but somehow Justin Gingell fucks it up and everything goes all to hell. WTF #5 Michigan lost???? To a Division I-AA team???? WTF???? That's what everybody's expression was like when that game was over. Michigan was the laughingstock of the nation...and what a way to start out my 4 years at Ann Arbor. At least they stayed competitive enough to make it to the Capital One Bowl, but that first game was almost surreal, almost inconceivable. What a TOTAL disaster.

Well, there you have it. I love sports. But sometimes it can come to bite you in the ass. It's an incredible feeling when your team wins it all, but it's a horrible feeling when your team blows it. If you're as passionate about your sports teams like I am, and you really care and follow your team, that's how it works...there's really high highs, and really low lows. But it's worth it. Believe me, it's worth it. This is my first blog, so take it easy on me if I don't make things entertaining enough. There will be many times where the stuff I say sound pathetic, immature, distasteful, and just downright stupid, but that's just my writing style. And don't expect this to be unbiased...I'm going to speak from my heart, not my brain...I can promise you that. And expect quite a few Charlie Weis fat jokes because those are always hilarious.

-Carson
2/18/08

*note: since it is titled "Qing's Daily Sports Rant" I'll do my best to update every day to give my two cents on the top sports topics of each day.